Page 9 of Falling For My Childhood Crush

I scowled at her because she knew exactly what to say to make it seem like I was missing out on something. Even though I knew what she was doing, I still let her. I started to take my shirt off and Beatrice had a whole lot to say about that. She was whistling and telling me to take it off. Once my shirt was off though, she didn't have a whole lot to say. I think she said something about how I had really bulked up. I was skinny the last time she saw me, but real life happens, and the muscles just came with it. I was never so glad for them as I was then. I had made Beatrice speechless, something I can't say that I'd ever seen before. I hadn't even known it was possible.

I got in next to her and she still hadn't said anything. Her eyes were all over me, every inch, until I was submerged, and I felt a little strange, wondering what was going through her mind. It had to be something to make her look at me that way.

“Am I having a wardrobe malfunction or something?”

She laughed but only halfheartedly. I would have given anything to know what was on her mind. She couldn’t meet my gaze. What did that mean? I knew what I wanted it to be, but I was probably just hoping for something that wasn't there.

“How deep is it? I went down a couple of times and I can't seem to find the bottom.”

“Like I said, it's from an old mine, so it's really deep. It's nice, because it keeps the water cold even in the summertime. It feels better up here than it does down at the beach.”

She agreed that it felt good and found me getting closer and closer to her. I didn't know what I was thinking, what I thought was going to come out of this. I didn't feel like I was thinking at all.

“I have missed you.” I said the words simply and hoped that she didn’t look into it too much. I knew, of course, what she said so eloquently before, nothing had changed. Lester would still be upset if he found out that she and I were even talking, which was probably why me not knowing about her being back wasn’t a fluke. It wasn’t an accident; it was done by design. Lester wanted to keep me as far away from his sister as possible.

Beatrice smiled at me and said that she missed me too. Her words were said quickly and without much thought. I didn't think she really knew how much I meant it. I’d thought about her a lot the last few years, trying to glean what I could from Lester but never getting much. Was that by design as well?

“I can't believe your brother didn't tell me you were back,” I commented, still not believing it.

“Yeah, he probably didn't want you to know. I think the idea of me being interested in one of his friends was probably the worst thing ever. I can't blame him; it would make things awkward for sure, if we were to get intimate.”

She was talking about it so blasé again, like it couldn’t happen. It was of course what I wanted; I had thought that the best thing to do was to keep our distance, but what if I wasn't able to? What if I couldn’t walk away from her as easily as I had before? And truth be told, I didn't walk away the time before. She had left and not even given me the option. It still pained me when I thought about it and all the time that had passed since we had seen each other.

I gasped as Beatrice got out of the water. I was focused on her backside, tight and shapelier than I’d realized. She’d always had a beautiful body and now that was even more so. I couldn't keep my eyes off her, no matter how hard I tried.

She laughed at me when she got out, like she knew my thought process and how badly I wanted her. I didn’t want to think that was for real. The last thing I needed was her knowing anything about what was on my mind. There was a reason why some things were left out of conversations.

“I think this might be my new favorite swimming spot,” Beatrice concluded, but I thought it had a lot more to do with the fact that she could mess with me. That’s what seemed to make her so happy.

“You're always welcome out here. It's always good to have company sometimes. I like the quiet, but good company is hard to find.”

“Especially in Jericho,” she said with a smile. I agreed with this sentiment, but suddenly Jericho wasn't looking so bad. For the first time I was happy to be in a small town. Now that Beatrice was back, it felt like the sky was the only limit. It felt like something was in the air and it was going to be well worth figuring out.

I asked her when I could see her again and she kind of shrugged. “Jericho is a small town. I’m sure we will be running into each other soon enough.”

I wanted a date, time, place. I wanted to guarantee that I got one, even on the way back to her parents’ house. I wanted to put something down, make a plan, get an appointment, but Beatrice wasn't interested in that. She wanted to play it by ear, and I was stuck with her whims.

When I got back home, even though I had said so much about not being lonely, the place felt empty without her. For whatever reason, she was playing her games. I was going to have to find a way out of it. I wasn't focused on getting Beatrice to see that. Even though things weren't different, we were different. The same rules didn't apply anymore, or I didn't want them to anyway. If something did happen, Lester was just going to have to get used to it. Anything else just didn't make any sense to me.

7

Beatrice

Mom was waiting up for me, scaring me to death, and I asked her what she was doing up so late. When she told me that she was worried about me, I didn't know how to respond to that. I was in my 20s and I certainly wasn't used to telling anybody where I was going or who I was with. I liked a little bit of anonymity and autonomy, which was something that had certainly been lacking during my time in Jericho. Truth be told, it was half the reason I left to begin with. Her sitting there tapping her foot like I had done something wrong really bothered me. I shouldn't let it, mom was just being mom, but I don't know, I just felt off and instead of letting it go, I took the bait and told her that it was none of her business.

Mom was offended, rightfully so, because I didn't think I'd ever talked to her like that before, at least not for a long time, and she did not take it very well.

After the first confrontation with her was within the first forty-eight hours of me being home, I was really starting to think that I might have made a mistake coming back. I didn't know what I'd been thinking, what I thought this was going to do to help me, either way, I was wrong. Now, I couldn't say that it had all been bad. Seeing Jeff had been nice, but it felt like it could quickly be just as much of a complication as everything else.

Lester and I were hit and miss when it came to getting along. I knew that he wouldn’t want me getting personal with his best friend. It wasn't going to help an already strained relationship. Even if he was pretty, and a lot prettier with his clothes off. It wasn't enough to cause the chaos that would result if Lester found out something happened. That's what I had to keep reminding myself, trying desperately to make it easier for the fact that I wanted him but I couldn't have him.

That night it was even harder to go to sleep. The day with Jeff was still fresh on my mind and it always filled me with these wonders of what if. What would have happened if I hadn't left? Maybe I could have found a way to be happy in Jericho with Jeff. It was hard to imagine, but it’s not like I hadn’t thought of it before. He’d been on my mind many times. That hadn’t changed either.

* * *

When I wokeup the next morning, I tried not to think about anything that had to do with men, especially Jeff. He was bad news to my psyche. I kept telling myself it was probably just because I couldn't have him. People wanted what they couldn't have, and Jeff was off limits. If I could just keep my distance, there wouldn't be any problem. That meant no more dates for a little while. I was too hard-up to refuse him and if I didn't want to make my life more complicated, distance was the only remedy. I wasn’t going to get the strength to turn him down overnight, and I certainly didn’t have it right now.

Throughout the week, Jeff called several times, but I never called him back. He left multiple messages and I could tell that he was getting annoyed with me by the tone of his last message.

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