Page 107 of Guitars and Cages

I cringed, because the only person who came to mind was Ms. Milly, the ancient librarian in my home town who’d sneer every time me or one of my brothers stepped foot in that library. I remembered her telling my mom that with the way she was raising us boys none of us would ever amount to anything. Mom had held her head high as she’d walked away, but later I remembered seeing the way she’d cried as she drove us home. “Ouch.”

“Yeah, and since I am not the ‘perfect’ son in her eyes, I don’t exist at the moment. I’m sure she’s figuring that if she ignores me long enough I’ll come around to her way of thinking and conform.”

“Conform to what?”

“Being straight.”

“Oh.” Suddenly there was a question I wanted to ask. I hoped he wouldn’t get offended by it, but the answer could really help me out, especially with the things I had been thinking when I looked at him. “So, can you actually do that?”

His eyes bugged out and his mouth hung open in surprise. I watched as he struggled to collect himself, a mix of emotions playing across his face before he shook his head with a frown. “Is that what you think, that it’s a choice?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, Alexia said she wanted breasts so she chose to get them; that was a choice. I mean, she could have chosen not to get them. Isn’t there a way to choose not to think about guys the way most guys think about girls?”

“Let me ask you something, Asher.”

“Okay.”

“When you see a girl you think is hot, can you choose not to notice her?”

I grinned and shook my head. “Nah, I can’t.”

“And Gage—could you help being attracted to him?”

“No,” I said, blushing.

“It’s the same way when a gay guy sees a guy that they find hot. They’re gonna notice whether they choose to or not. It’s human nature to notice those we consider attractive to us.”

“Great,” I muttered, without intending for it to slip out. I didn’t mean for him to take it the wrong way.

“It is great, Asher. I’m not ashamed of who I am, and I refuse to change just so someone else might be more accepting of me. It sucks more than I could ever explain to you—to be ignored by my brother, scorned by my mother, and insulted by my father whenever he’s around—but I can’t live my life for them or anyone else who thinks it’s wrong.”

“I didn’t mean anything by it,” I told him, though there was no way in hell I could tell him the real reason I’d wanted to know, or why I’d been upset at his answer.

He sighed. “Maybe you didn’t, but it’s a real sore spot for me. If you have trouble understanding that, you should talk to Alexia about what it’s like for her to be insulted and ignored by Cole.”

“I know he’s behaving like an asshole, but it’s not like there’s anything I can do to make him change.”

“You could have backed Alexia by refusing to leave with Cole,” he pointed out. “And yeah, I get it, you didn’t want to lose your brother, but when was the last time you hung out with Alexia?”

“Last week, we took Rory to the arcade and raced go-karts.”

“And how often do you call her? How often do you stop by and talk?”

“I can’t exactly stop by the bar right now with Morgan pissed at me, and I do call, when Cole ain’t around to give me shit for it.”

He scowled at me and shook his head like he was disgusted with what I’d said. “And there you go, letting Cole dictate everything when he’s the cause in the first place. Way to take the easy way, Asher.”

“None of this is easy,” I grumbled. “Not a single goddamned thing in my life is fuckin’ easy, so get off my case already. I’m doing the best I can to try and stay out of the middle and not be forced to choose either one. Is that really so bad?”

He scoffed as the pizza was set down in front of us. “You know, sometimes in life it’s more important to take a stand than it is to try and be Switzerland.”

“Yeah,” I said, taking a sip of my drink. I wasn’t hungry anymore, so I picked at my piece of pizza while he ate.

I let my hair slide over my eyes while I sat there, trying not to think about the way I’d run out on Gage the same way it felt like I was running out on my sister. Conner’s words about taking sides were echoing in my head, reminding me of how bad things had gotten the last time I took the wrong side, and how I could never take that back.

“I’m sorry if I killed the mood,” Conner said, snapping me out of my thoughts. “We were having fun and I went all crazy on you.”

“No, you were right. I mean, what you said about taking sides, you were right. It’s just that I’m too much of a coward to do the right thing.”

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