Page 109 of Guitars and Cages

“You push people away, don’t you, Asher? People who try to get close to you, people who try to be your friend?”

I crossed my arms, glaring. “I don’t... I...”

He flipped open the journal and pointed. “‘Conner tries to be my friend, but I can’t let him; I need to make him go away.’” He moved his finger, pointing to another spot. “‘Conner drove me to see Gage; I don’t understand why he still wants to be my friend. I wish he wouldn’t try so hard, I don’t deserve it.’” Again he moved his finger. “‘Alexia heard about Gage and called to see how I was. I told her I was fine, but I’m not. I see his casket in the ground and know it should have been me. I wanna go curl up with Alexia and tell her everything; instead I let Cole pour me another drink, to drown out the memories.’”

I looked at the floor, because my own notes damned me.

“Can you tell me why you need to make Conner go away or why you lied to Alexia?”

“No,” I said.

“Why not?”

I chewed on the inside of my lip until it bled, refusing to look at him, refusing to answer the question.

“All right, if you don’t want to tell me that, why don’t we talk about the next few entries? Those concern me a great deal.”

“I don’t wanna talk about those.”

“Well, Asher, I’m afraid we are going to talk about them.”

I sank down farther in my seat and let my hair slide over my eyes, wishing I hadn’t written those entries last night.

“You wrote here, ‘I lied to Conner. I told him I’d never tell anyone if someone was hurting me, but that’s not true. I know I deserve to be hurt, but sometimes I want to tell him about Catfish. Not like it matters now, I’m pretty sure he’s pissed at me for not standing up to Cole about Alexia. I could never do that now, even if I want to, ’cause Morgan’s tests proved that I don’t belong with them. I belong with Cole. Cole almost caught me cutting tonight, all the things I couldn’t say to anyone just sort of spilled out when I held that blade. The next thing I knew he had opened the door and was yelling that I’d been in the shower for almost an hour. I’d forgotten to lock the door. Good thing he didn’t yank back the shower curtain. He was pretty mad.’”

I didn’t look up, I couldn’t.

“I’d like to see the cuts you made.”

My eyes widened and I went rigid in the seat. “What...why?”

“Because if you are hurting yourself, then I need to see what it is you’re doing. And if someone else is hurting you, then I want to know about that, too. Who’s Catfish?”

“No one, and last night was the first time since the hospital that I cut; it was nothing,” I rambled, gripping the arms of the chair.

“If it was nothing, then you won’t mind showing it to me.”

I sighed and watched him, but from the stubborn set of his jaw I knew he wasn’t gonna let this go. With my luck I was gonna end up in a psych ward if I tried to leave without showing him, so I unbuttoned my flannel shirt and took it off. I had a long-sleeved T-shirt on and I rolled up the sleeve of my right arm so he could see the shallow line I’d cut from my wrist to my elbow. He studied it long and hard, and then looked up at me with concern in his eyes.

“You do know that is the exact path most people cut when they are serious about taking their lives, don’t you, Asher?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“And were you thinking about that when you did it?”

I shrugged, keeping my eyes on the scars that trailed up my arm. They were like broken railroad tracks, scattered lines, many that would likely never fade. Ugly. I hid behind my hair, feeling a little safer there, where he couldn’t fully see me.

“Asher. Were you thinking about killing yourself when you made that cut?”

“Yeah,” I finally said, soft, almost a whisper.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t see what the point is in being here,” I yelled, tired of him pushing me for my secrets. “My life is full of people who hate each other, and people who hate me, and I hate the hell out of myself and I’m tired of it all. I try to change, I try not to lie, but you know what telling the truth got me? It got me thrown away, that’s what! So what if I ain’t his kid. He promised he’d still want me around, and he lied. I told him the truth and he fuckin’ lied to me and told me to go away!”

“Asher—”

“Leave me alone!”

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