Page 110 of Guitars and Cages

“I understand that you’re upset, but please try to calm down.”

“No, you don’t understand. There is no way you can possibly understand what it’s like to have everything constantly go wrong! Cole hates Alexia now, and it’s my fault because I couldn’t cope with taking care of Rory on my own, because I was scared and I was selfish and I was only thinking about myself, so I called them and I called them and they finally came up here, both of them...and now Cole knows Alexia’s secret and hates her.”

“You are not responsible for Cole hating Alexia. It is his choice to be angry and not accept her choice.”

“He wouldn’t know about her choice if I hadn’t called him several times a day looking for help. I should have left them alone. I came here to be alone and I should have stayed alone. I don’t deserve to have anyone near me, because all I ever manage to do is fuck up their lives. That’s why I wanted to push Conner away, because I like him and I don’t want him to get hurt like everyone else who tries to be my friend, and ’cause when I look at him, I start thinking that I want him to be more than a friend, and that would be worse, because look at what happened to Gage! If I weren’t here anymore then I couldn’t hurt anyone else! Everyone would be better off if I stopped being a coward and offed myself.”

He was standing now, between me and the door. I watched him carefully, the same way he was watching me.

“Asher, show me the other cuts you made.”

It wasn’t a question, and his voice, usually so calming, was now filled with authority. I pulled up my T-shirt and showed him before my brain could kick in and tell me that wasn’t a good idea. His eyes widened at the mess I’d made.

“You understand that with what you’ve shown me and what you’ve expressed that you desire to do to yourself, that I could have you involuntarily committed to a mental-health facility until such time as you don’t pose a danger to yourself?”

I shook my head, eyes narrowing with fury. “You’re not lockin’ me up in some goddamned padded room!”

“If this is what you’re going to do to yourself, then you need more help than you’ll let me give you.”

“No!”

He shook his head, studying me, even as I tried to avoid looking at him.

“Don’t lock me up, please.”

“Then you have to let me help you more than you’ve been willing to let me so far,” he said.

“Okay, anything—just, not that, please. I can’t sit in some room starin’ at the walls.”

He sighed and was quiet for a while. “All right, Asher, we’ll try again. However, you and I are going to sit down and we are going to draw up something called a no-suicide contract. In it we are going to outline some terms and conditions and if, at any point, you violate any one of those terms or conditions, then I will have you committed for treatment. Do you understand?”

I eyed him warily. “Sorta. What do you mean by terms and conditions?”

“Sit back down and I’ll show you.”

I sat, watching him as he waited for me to settle in my chair before he sat down, too. This time it wasn’t across the desk from me, but in the chair beside me. It seemed like he was worried about me bolting out the door. To be honest, I’d thought about it. He reached into his file cabinet and pulled out a form with a bunch of lines and numbers on it.

“All right, Asher, terms and conditions are like rules, and in this case, if you break these rules the consequences are that you will be entered into treatment whether you wish it or not. Is that clear?”

I nodded.

“I need to hear you say it, Asher, is that clear?”

“Yes, sir,” I said.

“Good. Now, the first rule is that you are going to call and check in with me during your lunch hour each day. If you don’t make that phone call, then I will have to report you as a danger to yourself, and the authorities and police officers will be out looking for you.”

“So, what, I just call you when I take my lunch break? Sometimes it’s not the same time each day.”

“All right, about what time do you usually take lunch?”

“Between twelve and two.”

“Well, then, that is going to be your window to contact me. If I have not received a call from you between twelve and two, every day, even the days when you don’t work, then I will make the call to the authorities, understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Okay, the second rule is that if you are thinking about cutting, or if you do cut, you are to contact me immediately. I hope that you will do so before you cut, but if not, then I want you to call regardless, so we can figure out how best to handle what you’ve done. Is that clear?”

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