Page 119 of Guitars and Cages

“I would care,” I said, looking him in the eyes.

“And what difference would that make if you wouldn’t be there? How is that gonna help if you’re already dead?”

“But I’m not dead, and there was no real threat, and that still doesn’t explain why the hell you would bring a gun you didn’t even have bullets for!”

“I’d like to keep you not-dead, which was why I brought the gun. Don’t think I didn’t notice the way you said you’d get ‘me’ home safe tonight, not ‘us.’ That’s why I brought the gun, Asher: to make sure you got back here safely, too. Maybe you should be thanking me for bringing the goddamned gun, unless you wanted that creepy old bastard putting his hands all over you.”

I glared at him, furious; just as furious as he was glaring at me. “That creepy old bastard practically owns me, and now I fucking owe him more, thanks to you!”

“Don’t you try to pin your shit on me! That’s him, isn’t it—the one person you still sell yourself to.”

My jaw dropped.

“What, didn’t think I was paying attention that day at the hospital? I heard what you said, every word of it, but that wasn’t the right time to push you to talk to me. Tonight, though—God, what was all that about, Asher?”

“It was about the fight. No, that’s not entirely true; it was about much more than the fight.”

“Tell me.”

He was standing still, and now it was my turn to pace. “Catfish is one of the guys who runs the fights here in the city. I’m pretty sure he ain’t the head guy, but he’s the guy that everyone goes to when they want a fight. At least, on this end of the city. He knows where the best fights are to make the most money, but it comes at a cost.”

“Well, goddammit, if that’s the cost then you should have fucking quit fighting a long time ago.”

“It’s, uhh, it’s not the cost for everyone. Most people just pay him a percentage of the winnings, but, uhh, sometimes he takes a liking to a fighter, and if you aren’t willing to give him what he wants, then you don’t fight anymore.”

“Like that’s a big shame.”

“You know what? Sometimes it is. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, Conner, but sometimes you need money faster than you can earn it honestly. I hadn’t planned to fight anymore, but Kimber ditched Rory with Morgan, like for good, and the bar is struggling. The taxes are due and the only goddamned home Morgan, Alexia and Rory have is over that bar. I knew I could make enough to help Morgan pay the taxes until he got things settled at the bar again. That’s the only reason I took that fight tonight.”

“You know what, I can understand that. What I don’t get is how you go from fighting to ending up cuffed and blindfolded with that guy pawing you like a bad prom date.”

“I’m one of the guys Catfish took a liking to. He’s been after me for months to work for him as his bodyguard. What that really means is I’d be hired muscle and a personal fuck toy. I would have said yes to the bodyguard if the rest didn’t come with it, but Catfish don’t want one without the other, and every time I’m with him, it’s just...”

I let out a shuddering sigh and hung my head.

I felt Conner’s hand on my arm, and he used his other hand to brush my hair back from my eyes. “Do you know that whenever you don’t want to talk about something, you try to use your hair as a wall?”

I glanced at his face, and then down again. “Yeah.”

He slid his hand beneath my chin and raised my eyes so I was looking at him. “I’m not judging you. I want you to explain it to me so maybe I can understand what you’re thinking when you go there.”

“That’s just it,” I said low, but I knew he could hear me. “He doesn’t judge me, he doesn’t think my scars are hideous, he doesn’t think I’m stupid because I don’t read so good and I didn’t finish high school. He doesn’t expect anything more from me than to be who I am, and when I need it most, he’s the only one who ever tells me I’m worth anything, or that he wants me around. I hate that I love it when he touches me, that it feels good even when he hurts me. I didn’t say yes to being his bodyguard because I knew if I did, I’d never leave. If I let him give me everything he’s promised, there would never have been a chance at walking away.”

Conner put one hand on my cheek and caressed it, while the other kept me from looking away. “You’ve always wanted more than to fight and play your guitar, haven’t you?”

I swallowed hard. “Yeah.”

“What did you want?”

I stared into the bright blue of his eyes, wishing there was a way to drown in all that color so I wouldn’t feel so pathetic answering him. “I wanted to go home. I wish... I never should have left. I shouldn’t have run away. Not the first time, and not the last time, and not any of the other times, either. I’ve never loved anywhere as much as I love Nebraska. I loved living on the ranch, riding horses every day, fishing and roaming the woods, and... I hate cities, but they were the only place I could go to earn enough to survive.”

He sighed and pulled me down to sit on the floor with him. We sat face to face, knees touching, but he pushed my hair back more, so I couldn’t hide behind it so easily again.

“I sort of wondered,” he said, after we’d both been silent for a while. “While you were riding, I stayed in the barn and talked with Earl, listened to him tell a bunch of stories about you and Gage growing up on the ranch and how you guys had always talked about owning your own places, raising horses and rodeo stock. Seeing the look on your face, especially the way your eyes were all lit up when you came back, I couldn’t think of anywhere else in the world that you belonged.”

“It isn’t possible.”

“Why not?”

---