Page 126 of Guitars and Cages

“No, I left. I didn’t wanna stick around and listen to Morgan tell me what a piece of shit I was for taking cash for doing that.”

“Why do you think he would say that?”

“Because it’s true. I sold myself for money, which makes me a whore, so why shouldn’t he say it?”

“Maybe because someone who is your friend and cares about you isn’t going to use your past to try to hurt you or put you down.”

“But that’s just it. I don’t even think he is a friend anymore.”

“Then why would you fight to get the money for him to pay the property taxes for the bar?”

“’Cause Rory and Alexia live there, too, and Rory’s been through enough without having to move again. I’m not gonna see them homeless just ’cause me and Morgan don’t get along anymore.”

I wrapped my arms around myself when I said it, ’cause it was hard to think about. Morgan had always been the dad I’d wanted, and that brief bit of time when I had the chance of being his son... well, I just wished it had turned out different.

“Have you tried to talk to Morgan about the problems you two have been having?”

“No. I’ve been trying to stay the hell away from there, since I make him sick. That’s what he said, anyway: to go away and not come back until he wouldn’t get sick looking at me. I doubt that’s ever gonna happen now. I should have stayed home. If I hadn’t run away, I would never have had to sell myself, and I wouldn’t have had to hide so much from Morgan, and I wouldn’t be here now, instead of on the ranch.”

“Like I’ve told you before, Asher, there is nothing that you can do to change the past. All you can do is work on the future. It’s clear that you love Morgan a great deal. You need to talk to him, let him hear the full truth from you. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, what do you have to lose? And I think you should talk to Conner, too. Don’t throw this friendship away so quickly.”

“How am I supposed to trust him now?”

“Maybe you won’t be able to, but first I think you need to find out why he told Morgan in the first place. We’ve talked before about your tendency to run when things get difficult or scary. Think about what you just said, about running away and how you wish you had never done it. Don’t keep running. It’s time you confront some things head-on.”

I let my hair slide over my eyes. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I was tired and I didn’t want to confront anything.

“When I listen to you talk about the people in your life, it’s impossible not to see how much they mean to you. When you revealed what had happened with Gage, I could hear how much it still hurt you to think about the way you had turned your back on him. It was in your voice; it was in your eyes. But there are also times when you shut down, and your voice gets cold, and your eyes get impossible to read, and it makes me wonder if some of your misunderstandings with your friends and your family don’t stem from how much of yourself you hide from them. Not only the words you don’t say, but how you say the words that you do say.”

“What do you mean?”

“When you let yourself be you—when you’re honest—it’s clear how much you feel, and how much you care, but when you try to lie and hide yourself, it’s difficult to see anything but a cruel, cold, selfish man. I want you to understand that the way you come across at times might be responsible for the way people respond to you.”

So I sat there for a while, thinking about the way I’d tried to push Conner away. I thought about how many times I’d brushed Morgan off, or outright lied, when he’d asked if I was okay or needed to talk. I thought about the way I’d told him about me and Gage and how hard I’d tried to keep any and all emotion out of my voice when I had. My words to Conner echoed in my head as well, and the way I’d said “I’d never tell.” Maybe if I had told someone about my dad, he wouldn’t have been able to hurt Gage. Maybe if I had told Morgan I wasn’t making enough at the bar to pay the bills, I wouldn’t have had to fight. Then again, if I hadn’t been stubborn and had moved over the damn bar in the first place, I wouldn’t have had to fight, either...and I wouldn’t have needed to go to Catfish time and time again.

“Maybe you’re right,” I finally conceded.

“Something I am curious about, Asher, is how you knew Catfish died in the fire last night if you weren’t there.”

I brushed half my hair to the side, batting at it for a moment, looking at him around the strands. “After Conner spilled everything to Morgan, I took off and ran back to River’s End, I.... I was gonna apologize to Catfish for Conner pulling a gun on him and getting in the way of me paying him. He was mad when we left, and I... I didn’t want him mad at me. I didn’t wanna lose him, too.”

“Surely you can see that Catfish wasn’t a very good influence on you, Asher. Do you think it’s possible he might have been using and even manipulating you? I know that sometimes it’s hard to see when people are only out for themselves. Not everyone who pays attention to you truly cares, and that can be especially difficult for someone who maybe didn’t have a great deal of attention from others when they were young. They tend to latch on to anyone who shows them affection—good or bad—because any attention is better than no attention.”

I flinched at that, trying not to remember all the times I’d responded to whatever touches and caresses Catfish had chosen to give, not wanting them to end. No matter how hard I tried to deny it and push everyone away, the truth was that I craved touch and affection like an attention-starved cat, purring and rubbing against anyone who might give it to me.

Which led me to wonder: was it the person I liked, or the fact that they were touching me?

“Did you have someone look you over after the fight, to make sure you were all right?”

“Conner and I looked at the bruises. They’re bad, but I’m fine, nothin’ is broken. I had a little accident at the stable earlier and it made everything worse.”

He rubbed his chin, concern in his eyes. “What happened at the stable?”

“I was too slow, and a horse pinned me between his body and the wall. He didn’t mean to, it just happened. That kid shouldn’t have even been in the stable without her coach or a parent.”

He looked a bit confused. “Why don’t you slow down and tell me exactly what happened?”

I shrugged, hands turned upward. “I don’t even know how she got in there. I mean, she wasn’t one of the kids I was supposed to be looking after. I was supposed to be checking hooves, and I was, until I realized I’d left the smaller pick back in the equipment room. I was on my way to get it when I saw the kid in the stall. She was trying to get around Donatello, but he’s a big horse and she’s a little kid, and I was paying more attention to getting her out of harm’s way than I was to which way the horse was moving. It happens.”

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