Page 46 of Guitars and Cages

“Is that what drove you away from home?”

Damn, well, she got it in one. I huffed, annoyed. “Which time?”

“How many times did you run away?”

“Too many to count.”

“All right, then, was it what drove you away the last time?”

“Pretty much.”

“And you carry these feelings with you wherever you go; I suppose you’ve even tried to outrun them a time or two.”

“Yeah.”

“And yet you got here and you stayed.”

“Being alone sucked. I was tired of it.”

“And yet even when you’re with your friends and family, you’re still alone with your feelings. Have you ever tried to talk to Morgan about them—or anyone else for that matter—before starting to cut?”

I finally met her gaze and held it. “And tell him what? That I’m fucked in the head and need a blade to help me forget the things I hate about myself?”

She nodded, and it was only after she did that I realized what I’d said.

“So what about yourself do you hate?”

I considered not answering, but at this point I’d already torn open the floodgates; might as well get it over with. I was gonna end up in a padded room anyway, so what did it all matter? “I’m a coward and a liar. I’ve hurt people and I’ve betrayed friends. I’m not a nice person and I don’t try to be.”

“And yet clearly those things don’t make you happy.”

“Why would they make me happy? Who the hell would be happy about being an asshole?”

She smiled then, and it softened the severe look to her face. Hell, it even took off a couple of years as she studied me for a good long time. “You would be surprised at how many people take great pleasure in meanness and cruelty. The fact that you don’t and that it bothers you is a good thing, Asher, and I think it’s something you need to consider talking to someone about. There are doctors who can help you find the root of what makes you act the way you do, and they can help you fix it if you’re willing to try.”

“Yeah, my buddy Mark told me about a shrink he knows, even said he’d take me if I wanted to go.”

“And have you given any thought to going?”

“I... I guess. You guys all have to take that oath, right? The one about how anything I say you can’t ever tell no one.”

She nodded. “That’s right. Anything you talk about would be confidential.”

“Then I guess it would be okay to at least try it. I mean, it’s not like I’ve got a choice, right? You’re gonna send me to some padded room for what I did to myself anyway.”

She smiled again. I didn’t find it amusing in the slightest.

“No, Asher. I’m not going to recommend that you be committed, but I am going to strongly recommend that you do seek treatment. I’d also like to suggest that you spend more time with family and friends, that you try to open up and talk to them and let them take a more active part in your life, because it seems to me as if you spend entirely too much time alone.”

“Yeah,” I said.

I was quiet for a while, watching her making notes.

“Why don’t you tell me about the things you love.”

“Huh?”

“The things you love, not the things you do to make money or to survive, but the things you love.”

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