Page 83 of Guitars and Cages

I looked down at the table, letting my hair slide over my eyes. “I did things and...and people got hurt. They trusted me and I... I betrayed them. Now one of them is dying, and I don’t wanna go back and face what I did. I have to go, though. I have to tell him I’m sorry. He was the only real friend I ever had, but he...” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, needing to admit the truth and be done with it. “He was more than my friend. We were, we had...we slept with each other.”

I didn’t look up; I didn’t want to see what his reaction was gonna be. I just wanted to tell him what I’d done, so maybe he could see why I had to get to Nebraska and why I needed him to help me.

“There were...times, when he acted like he didn’t care if people knew. He’d pull me close or brush against me where others could see. He’d touch my hair, or hug me, and I started freaking out, scared people were gonna see, gonna know, and if they found out, then my dad and my brothers would find out, too. There was this girl I knew; we’d gone to school together before I dropped out. I used to see her around town here and there, always alone. She’d watch me, look away if I looked at her, and I figured, I... I thought if people saw me with her, if my old man and my brothers saw me with her, then they wouldn’t notice how much me and Gage were together.”

I paused and scrubbed a hand over my face, still looking down, still refusing to look at him. He said nothing, just waited for me to go on.

“For months I saw them both, dated them both, slept with them both. Gage knew. He hated it, but he knew and he didn’t ditch me over it. But we fought a lot, over Eve and all the lies I’d started telling. She didn’t know about him; no way in hell I could have let her know about him, so the more time she asked for, the harder and harder it became to put her off. That led to more fights with Gage, and more havin’ ta make up for not spendin’ enough time with him.”

I slid my fingertips over the top of the table, through the sweat made by the soda can, tracing patterns through the water as I searched for the courage to finish telling him what had happened.

“Gage and I used to spend as much time as we could in the mountains, especially on weekends. We could go there and no one would ever see us, and I didn’t have to hide. We were supposed to go this one Friday, but Eve had wanted me to take her up to the lake on my horse, to have a picnic, so I’d told him we’d go Saturday morning. When he came over on Saturday, I was sorting calves for my brother, so he jumped in to help me, but the whole time we were sorting we were arguing, too. By the time we were done sorting we were both pretty pissed, yelling at one another as we climbed up in the loft to throw some hay down. I’d promised Chase I’d set up a stall before I left for the mountain, but instead, we kept on arguing. All our yelling turned to shoving, and then grabbing, and then kissing and making out.”

I finally opened the can and took a drink; I was gonna need it to finish the last part. He was watching me patiently; his face blank, neutral. At least it wasn’t hate that I saw in his eyes. Somehow I found the courage to keep looking at him.

“I didn’t hear my old man’s truck pull in, that’s how into each other we were. Next thing I know, we’re being screamed at and called names and my old man is dragging me to my feet, shaking me hard, and his face is mottled purple and red with rage. I’d only seen him that mad once: the day he dragged my brother Michael into the barn after Michael had sunk the pickup in the creek. Michael hadn’t meant to do it, but my old man didn’t care. I was in the stall with my horse Storm when they came in, my dad screaming and cussing. Michael was trying to calm him down, telling him he and Chase would get the truck out and get it fixed, but Dad wouldn’t listen.”

I took another drink, hating the memories, but needing to get it over with. “Dad grabbed a bullwhip and beat Michael until he couldn’t stand, and the whole time he was screamin’ at him and cussin’ him, just like he was screamin’ and cussin’ me and Gage when he found us. I shoved Gage away from me ’cause all I could see in my head was that damned bullwhip and the way it had torn Michael’s back open over and over. Dad was yelling that he was gonna skin me, and that’s when I started lying. I told him Gage had kissed me, and that I had been trying to get away from him, that I hadn’t done anything wrong. And that’s when Dad turned on Gage. Somewhere in it all, my father told me to hit Gage and I did, more than once, and then Dad tossed him in the back of the pickup and drove him home. He dumped Gage at his old man’s feet and told Gage’s father that Gage was a fag and had been trying to turn me into one, too. Gage’s old man grabbed his shotgun and pointed it at my dad and ordered him off the property. I wish to God he’d have shot the old bastard right there. I never saw Gage again, and a week later Eve told me she was pregnant, and that was the final straw. I took off and I ain’t been back.”

Conner’s eyes looked sad as he studied me. “It’s Gage who’s dying, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

He nodded. “I think you’re right. You have to go.”

“Yeah. I know. It’s just... I’m afraid that if I try to go alone, I won’t get there. It’s twelve hours from here to my hometown; that’s hundreds of exits and turn-offs and a million excuses I can think of to take one. I can’t ask Cole; he’d just help me think of ways to avoid getting there, and if he found out why I was going…well, no, I can’t take him, and right now Morgan fuckin’ hates me, and Alexia is swamped with school, and I...please, Conner, help me?”

He frowned, chewing his lip, before his eyes went wide. “Wait, are you asking me to go to Nebraska with you?”

“Please. Look, if you hate me for what I told you, then cuss me out from here to Nebraska, and when we get back, I swear you won’t ever see me again, just, please, I need to get there.”

He sighed heavily and slid a hand through his hair.

“I gotta be honest, Asher. I can’t fuckin’ hate you for what you did because I can’t sit here and say that I would have done any different if my father had caught me before I was ready to tell him. Hell, the way he talks to me now, the names he calls me, I wish I’d never told him, so I can’t imagine what getting caught by someone as violent as your dad would have been like. I’m pretty sure I would have begged, pleaded, and lied, too, to try and get out of a whipping, so I’m not gonna judge you. I don’t hate you, and I’m not going to curse at you and call you names. I’m also not gonna ride twelve hours on the back of a Harley.”

My shoulders slumped in defeat. I was exhausted and running on empty, and now I had no other choice left; I was gonna have to go alone. “Oh.” I managed to get to my feet after two tries, but I almost tripped myself heading for the door.

“Where the hell are you going, Asher? I said I wasn’t gonna ride twelve hours on the back of a Harley, not that I wouldn’t go. We’ll take my car; that would be easier anyway. Let me pack a few things, and then we can go to your place and you can pack a bag.”

“Wait...what?”

“Yeah, you don’t need to be driving, anyway,” he said as he came around the table and put a hand on my arm. “Sit down while I throw a bag together. I’m gonna drive you to see Gage, okay?”

For a moment, all I could do was stand there stunned; then it sank in that he was gonna help me, and I hugged him. I jerked away almost immediately, eyes wide. “Sorry... I’m really...really sorry, Conner... I didn’t mean to do that... I wouldn’t...”

“Hey, relax, man. Seriously, breathe, chill out, and sit down before you completely freak out over a simple thank-you hug. You’re welcome; it’s no big deal. I’ll be right back and we can go, okay?”

I nodded and sat down, resting my head on the table. It shocked me when he slid his hand over my hair for a moment before going to his room. Sighing, I closed my eyes, and the next thing I knew he was gently shaking me awake.

“Come on, let’s go get your stuff so we can go.”

I nodded, blinking, standing carefully. The room spun for a moment and I was reminded that I hadn’t eaten a thing all day. I hadn’t even been sure my stomach wouldn’t rebel if I tried. As soon as everything stopped spinning we went to my apartment, shoving the door open to find Cole passed out on the couch, an empty bottle of whiskey on the floor beside him. I scribbled him a hasty note to tell him I wasn’t gonna be home for a couple days, and then I went to my room and quickly threw stuff in a backpack before joining Conner back at the door. I locked up and followed him to the car, sinking into the passenger seat and struggling not to close my eyes.

“You can sleep if you need to. You probably should, you look exhausted,” he said as he started the car.

I thought back to Catfish and the horrible trip I’d had. “I had a bad night.”

“What happened?”

---