Page 84 of Guitars and Cages

The streets were busy. I watched the cars going past; the city at night was always so bright with colors, it was easy to get lost staring into the neon. “I got too high and had a bad trip.”

He swerved the car, startled, and someone honked a warning before he straightened back out. “Holy shit, man, are you fuckin’ trying to kill yourself?”

“Sometimes, maybe. I’m too much of a coward to do it right, though.”

“You think it’s a brave thing, killing yourself? It ain’t fuckin’ brave, Asher. It’s stupid, it’s selfish, and it’s something that can’t be taken back. Don’t you get it, man? No matter how bad you fuck up, as long as you’re here and breathing, you’ve got the chance to fix it. Soon as you check out, that chance is gone and all anyone is ever gonna remember is the mistake.”

“Like that’s not all people remember anyway. I’ll never make up for all the mistakes I’ve made.”

“Maybe not, but you’re out here trying to fix one of them, and that counts for something. It’s a start, Asher, a good one.”

“I should have let him beat me. Morgan was right. I was standing there beside my best friend. I should have stayed standing there and taken the beating with him.”

“Or maybe he’d have killed you, and that wouldn’t have done any good, either.”

“Yeah, it would have. At least then Gage wouldn’t hate me and I wouldn’t have to hide everything from everyone to keep my brothers from finding out about me.”

“You don’t have to hide, Asher, you choose to. You could be honest with them like you were honest with me tonight. I get it; I do, man, believe me, it ain’t easy to have people know, but if it’s messing you up as bad as I think it is then you gotta stop.”

I sighed. We were almost out of the city, and I was afraid of what was gonna happen when we got to Nebraska: who would be there, and what they would say to me. “I told Morgan tonight, and he kicked me out, so why should I tell the rest of them? Why should I lose my brothers when I can keep my mouth shut and leave things alone? Even when I’m honest about my mistakes I end up paying for them. It costs too much. I don’t have too many people left to lose.”

“He kicked you out for liking guys?”

I shook my head. “No, if he was gonna do that then he’d have done it the day I kissed him.”

He was silent for a moment. I glanced over and saw him gripping the steering wheel, his face set in a frown. “You kissed him?”

“Yeah, I did, the day you chased me down in the alley. That’s why I was runnin’. I kissed him, and then I took off like a bat outta hell ’cause I was scared he was gonna be pissed.”

He made a sound, low in his throat. “I take it he wasn’t?”

“No, he asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no and he let it be.”

“So then why did he kick you out?”

“I told him about Gage and what had happened, and he called me a coward and a backstabber, both of which are true, and then he told me to get the hell outta his bar until he could stand to look at me again. Oh, and I ain’t his son, so I doubt he’s ever gonna let me come back ’cause now he don’t need to.”

He sighed, and I wrapped my arms around my chest, trying to hold myself together while all I wanted was to fall apart. It hurt that Morgan had tossed me out, and I knew Gage’s dad was gonna kick me out as soon as I got there. Then Conner would be mad, ’cause it would be a wasted trip, and I couldn’t take anyone else being pissed at me right now. I needed someone not to hate me.

“Turn around,” I told him, shivering.

“Huh, what?”

“Forget it, we ain’t goin’. Let’s go back. I’m sorry I wasted your time, okay? I want to go home.”

“No, you don’t. You want to go to Nebraska, but you’re scared as hell, and I don’t blame you. And yeah, you might get thrown out, but that’s beside the point right now. If they throw you out then at least you went. I knew that was a possibility when I agreed to take you. I’m doing this for you, Asher, not for them, and not for what might happen, okay? So relax. No matter what, I’m gonna help. I’m glad you came to me.”

I was silent for a while, staring into the dark. “I almost didn’t.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“I don’t know. I was on my way home; I was gonna get Cole’s blade. I wanted to feel it cutting into my arm. I wanted to bleed. I figured Cole would be passed out, it would be easy, but then I noticed that I was standing on the street outside of your apartment, so I looked up and I saw you go past the window. I was gonna walk away, but the next thing I knew I was heading up the stairs instead.”

“Christ, I’m glad you did, what if...” He turned to look at me, but I could barely make out his face in the dark. “You could have died. Your brother wouldn’t have noticed, and if he had he would have been too drunk to help you.”

“I know.”

“Just...anytime, okay, Asher? Anytime you think about doin’ that again, don’t hesitate to come up, please. I know you’re dealing with a ton of shit right now, but so am I, and I need you to stay in one piece, okay?”

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