Page 85 of Forever Fallen

“It better bethisguy in uniform…” he said playfully, pulling her away from the teakettle where she had it resting on the stove. Sophie went into his arms easily, laying her head on his shoulder instinctively.

“Onlythis guy…” she whispered, praising him. “I’m going to miss you.”

“Hey… hey… we aren’t doing this yet, okay?” Ryan said immediately, urging her to look up at him. “I’ve got a few days left here and we’ve got stuff still to do. I don’t want to think about those coming moments where we have to say goodbye. We’ve still got to empty your apartment, get a few things in order, and then when everything is done? We can spend the last night together, celebrating us, and planning our reunion.”

“I like the way you think…” she uttered in a shaky breath, trying to push the negative thoughts from her mind.

He was right.

They couldn’t focus on him saying goodbye just yet, because he was still going to be here for several days. She needed to enjoy her time with him while she could.

“Why don’t you go change and hang your uniform?”

“Will do…” he said easily and started to walk away, her eyes following him, taking in every movement, and memorizing the way he carried himself. She couldn’t imagine the emptiness that his departure would leave and needed to prepare herself to try and fill that void.

“Ryan…?” she said automatically, his name escaping her before she could stop it.

He had just removed his uniform jacket and was unbuttoning the cuffs of his sleeves as he hesitated and looked back at her, looking concerned.

“Yeah, Sunshine?”

“Nothing…” she replied, immediately feeling like the biggest chicken in the world at the thoughts beating at her mind right now.

This was insane, and…

“What’s wrong? What’s on your mind?” he urged, returning to her side.

It was the sweet way he was looking at her, the way he cradled her jaw and rubbed his thumb against her skin, gazing at her as if she was the very center of his universe…

“Talk to me…” he invited softly. “What’s on…”

“It’s crazy and I’m embarrassed to even be thinking it,” Sophie laughed nervously, hearing the kettle start to whistle and grasping at it. “Tea’s ready, why don’t you…”

Ryan laid a hand on her arm, and Sophie glanced at him. He reached forward and turned off the stove, not looking away from her.

“The tea can wait. It’s our wedding day and whatever is on your mind? I really want to know,” he began. “We talked about secrets and communication – so tell me. We can talk or laugh about it together.”

Her scared eyes searched his and she felt a flutter of fear in her chest, realizing that if she said the words, if it happened, this was all a major commitment. If she had a baby, asked for a child, this was taking the next step that would last a lifetime.

“Soph…”

“Ryan, I think I want…” She hesitated, feeling her face heat up with emotion and realizing what she was getting ready to ask for. “I think I want us to try for a baby.”

He was immobile – and that only served to ratchet up her paranoia and fear about what she was saying.‘The toothpaste is out of the tube, girl’,her grandmother would say, demanding that she continue her trail of thought.

So, she did.

“I mean, I love you and think that a baby would be a natural occurrence between two people that have committed to each other. It would be a massive change and it’s not like you can ‘give it back’ if something goes wrong. This would be our child and cementing things between us. You never know anyhow. It might not happen, or we could try for one and just see – but if it happened then…”

“Sophie, I want a future with you – but I need to be honest with you,” he began, hesitating and looking distinctly uncomfortable.

“I get four weeks a year vacation… for the next five years or until I get reassigned to another duty station. That could be anywhere. I could get stuck in Afghanistan again, end up in Thailand, or California. I don’t know and I realize this is your home, but… I could never ask you to move or leave this behind.”

“My home is with you,” she countered softly, looking at him. “I knew your job gave you four weeks of vacation a year – and I never figured you were getting out of the Air Force after one year apart. I mean, look at it if the roles were reversed? What if I got two weeks of vacation a year, my job wouldn’t have a deadline… would it?”

He shook his head slowly.

“Then we take things one step at a time, one month at a time, or one year at a time, and figure it out together…” she urged. “Just because we are apart probably more than we should be doesn’t change my feelings for you. We just have to work a little harder to make the other feel special.”

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