Page 40 of Forever Fascinating

“Yep. On it,” Matthew agreed, dressing quickly, and looking around the barracks to see several of the other men were already in uniform already, heading out. He still needed coffee and a chance to have his morning smoke before…

Matthew picked up the pack of cigarettes from his footlocker that was nearly empty and hesitated. He’d been trying to quit for a while but cutting back wasn’t doing it. It was just delaying things… and he silently wanted something to tell Jana when he wrote her tonight.

He wanted something to be proud of. He could use the support if he went cold-turkey and he’d cut back already so much, that maybe he could actually go through with it this time?

None of the other pilots in his barracks smoked.

They might have other habits, like chewing gum noisily, picking their teeth, meditating, playing games on their phones, or doing pushups when they were bored… but Matthew was the only one with a habit that could actually harm him.

He wanted to see the world, do things, and live life to the fullest. That was part of the reason he’d originally cut back. He was sick of being tethered to his habit.

That, and he wanted Jana to kiss him. He had wanted to kiss her so much but was afraid to, because he’d just had a cigarette before entering the airport.

She always seemed to smell so sweetly and looked so beautiful, that in the moment where they were standing there, taking those last few photos together?

Matthew realized that he didn’t feel clean. He felt… gross.

… Like an ashtray, as Glory had put it once.

No, when their relationship finally moved forward a little bit more and he kissed her, Matthew truly wanted to kiss her… and for her to want to kiss him back.

Standing up, he threw away the pack.

“Good for you,” Handsy said, patting him on the back. “You’ve got this.”

Matthew looked up, stunned.

The other airmen nodded at him, before leaving the barracks – and a few others praised him as well in support of his silent decision to quit. Houdini gave him a thumbs up and Sparky gave him two thumbs up, opening his mouth in a huge smile like the goofball he was, before exiting the room behind Houdini.

Dorks,he thought, smiling to himself as he tucked in his uniform shirt and quickly slipped on his shoes. Maybe there was something to being a part of the ‘gang’… because the more steps he seemed to take to be with the team, the better he felt about being here.

* * *

That evening,after all the questions during dinner, and the second round of questions about the wedding once again when they were taking a break… and even when Matthew went to the makeshift gym to escape the urge to light a cigarette…

He was still being asked questions and pressed for more details, making him wish he’d taken some photographs at the wedding.

What kind of dirtbag went to a man’s wedding, stood up with him, and didn’t bother to take any photos? How could he ever expect anyone to talk with him or hang out with him, if he never put in the effort on his part?

No wonder they treated him like they did,Matthew realized, suddenly understanding that he was bringing things upon himself, just like when he was younger. He never fit in at home and things only changed when his father had that brutal heart-to-heart with him after his mother’s heart attack.

He was selfish… and self-centered.

Feeling completely down, disgusted, and depressed, Matthew went for a run. He must have circled the base a dozen or more times, losing count. You couldn’t run away from your past, but the sensation did help him cope with some of the disgrace he felt in knowing what a jerk he was sometimes.

Getting a quick shower later, he sat in front of one of the computers, just staring at the email Jana had sent… reiterating his self-deprecating thoughts once again.

She’d sent him some wedding photos without being prompted, so he had something to share with everyone. The photographs were of everyone. A few of the bride and groom, one of the two bridal cakes, and a few of the dancefloor, with one of them dancing together. He used his phone to take a photo of the computer screen, not sure how to download it to his cell phone just yet.

He was touched that she seemed to think about others, reaching out to him, and he realized that he truly did not deserve a friend… or girlfriend… like her.

Matthew forwarded the email with the photos to the team, sincerely glad that Jana’s email to him had been separate. He wanted to reply back and didn’t need everyone to know what was slowly happening between them… he hoped.

Opening the other email, he smiled at the way she addressed him. It was almost as if it was a pet name, a sign of affection, because she’d called himBunt-boymore than once since they went to the batting cages together.

Taking a chance, he did the same.

Hitting reply, he began composing an email to Jana, needing to reach out to her and wanting so much to begin building this bond between them – even if he was undeserving.

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