Page 75 of Forever Fascinating

“Are you sure about this?” he breathed, pausing momentarily above her lips. “I never ever want to hurt you… and you are the one person who could destroy my heart, Jana.”

He heard her sweet intake of breath, as her hand came up to rest on his wrist where he’d pulled her close.

“Then let’s not hurt each other,” she urged softly, her voice thick with emotion. “Let’s find each other, learn to love each other, and see where this fascinating adventure takes us – together.”

This time, it was Matthew that sucked in his breath, hearing the words he longed to hear for so long, and realizing she was right… and not pressing for more.

She was willing to wait for as long as he needed, would be fighting along beside him, and running fearlessly with him towards their own happiness… whatever that looked like.

He breathed her name, almost as if it was a prayer, and kissed her softly. Her lips were so warm, soft, and pliant under his… and felt her abruptly scoot closer to him, making him chuckle at her enthusiasm, unexpectedly breaking the kiss.

“Sorry,” she smiled shyly. “I just wanted to hold you.”

“Then hold me darling,” he urged, leaning forward to kiss her again. “I’m yours.”

They sat there, kissing, for what felt like forever. He couldn’t get enough of the feeling of Jana in his arms, holding her, and feeling her cradling him in almost the same manner. Their arms were wrapped around each other, holding each other close, almost in a hug.

It was as if their souls recognized that they’d finally found the other half that they’d been looking for. As much as he loved this moment, it still shook him to the core.

He slowly broke the kiss, holding her close in his arms, remaining silent. A part of him wanted to shout to the rooftops that he loved her and hoped she someday understood just how frightened he was of letting her in.

Those old, bitter memories flooded his mind, causing him to drag in his breath, as he remained still, needing the comfort she brought him. Jana seemed to sense it and waited, hugging him back, content to remain in his arms.

He could see his mother begging his father not to go, weeping and terrified that she might be pregnant again, and yet he was still leaving. His father had yelled at them, those words echoing in his ears painfully, never forgotten and emblazoned in his soul.

His father never wanted a child, hated that his mother expected him to be monogamous, and wanted his freedom. Those words, spat from the front porch, surrounded by darkness, as he stood under the yellow lamplight, had scarred him.

How could you love someone… and hate them enough to leave them broken like that?

He never understood why his father couldn’t love him, didn’t want him, and if this was what love was like? When was his mother’s love going to be ripped from him?

When she’d married Sam, he’d seen the slight differences and knew she was coming to care for him… which made him wonder if a person was only capable of loving one person in their life?

Matthew shivered unexpectedly.

“Shh… I need this hug, too,” Jana whispered softly, causing his eyes to burn painfully with tears as he hugged her silently, unable to speak.

He’d lived his whole life fearing abandonment, scared that someone he could love would find him lacking and discard him, that he’d built this lackadaisical, uncaring attitude to push anyone and everyone away… until the day his mother had her heart attack.

Then he began to comprehend that love could be shown by unselfishly giving of yourself to the point that you break… but that didn’t feel right either. That’s when he knew that what he understood of relationships was so wrong… that and seeing the way the team in Texas was with their spouses.

That was part of the reason he’d crossed the floor to dance with Jana. He had been sitting there, watching her, while idly listening to Alpo and Glory talk about the children… and something she said caught his attention.

“I love you… but will forever hate that stubborn part of you, Hunter Petersen. That infernal part of you that sacrificed that stupid bottle of water on that day,” she’d smiled at him as Alpo kissed her tenderly.

Love and hate?

You could both love and hate parts of a person?

It had been eye-opening to look at the couple, seeing the differences between them, hearing them talk, laugh, seeing them smile at each other, and even seeing Hot Cakes and his bride together.

There was such acceptance of that other person, such open and gentle acceptance, that it was like seeing a glimmer of light in a darkened room. He’d stood up seeing Jana there looking lost and realized that he wanted a chance that someone could accept him like he was.

Taking in a deep breath, smelling Jana’s faint perfume mixed with coffee, he sighed nervously, hoping she didn’t think he was some emotional dunce. Releasing her, he got to his feet slowly and knew he was avoiding her eyes.

“Matthew?”

“Yeah,” he said nervously, trying to keep his voice steady.

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