Page 65 of Had To Be You

He apologizes again, and I accept it. I am just so tired of feeling embarrassed and angry. What’s done is done and I am so ready to move on. Besides, it’s no longer Mason who makes my pulse race, who makes me wish for things I never thought I deserved. It’s Liam. When I think of my future, Liam is the only man I want in it.

“So, how about that divorce?” Mason asks.

“A divorce sounds good.”

* * *

It’s been three days since I’ve seen or talked to Liam. They say time can heal a broken heart, but I’m not so sure. I’m cranky and irritable, I haven’t slept, I can’t eat. I collapse on the sand next to Olivia and pull my legs into my body. I’ve been inconsolable since that gut-wrenching scene on the street with Liam.

“Ells,” Olivia says, wiggling her body closer to me and resting her hand on my thigh. As soon as I confessed everything over the phone she came straight to my apartment and forced me out of the house. She brought me to the one place she has always been able to find peace, hoping it will do the same for me. The ocean. And although I know she is disappointed in me, she is still here supporting me when I need her the most. Even through the overwhelming shame brimming within me, it feels good to have her here.

I don’t deserve her.

“I’m sorry I never told you,” I say, tears stinging my eyes, mortified that she now knows the humiliating mistakes I’ve made. Olivia’s hand wraps around my back and I lean into her. “I just never knew what to say. I was so embarrassed. I mean who does that? Britney, that’s who!” I add, feeling her laugh against me. “And then he just left me without saying a word. I felt like a fool. It was all so humiliating.”

“I just wish you had told me, Ells. I would have understood. I’ll admit it, at first I was really pissed at you. I’m your best friend, the one person you should have known you could turn to. That’s what friends are for, to be there for each other in both the good times and the bad. I hate that you felt you needed to keep this from me. I would have been there for you.” She sighs and I squeeze my eyes shut, so grateful that she is still here beside me. “But I know you and I know you think you can handle anything life throws your way. You are as stubborn as they come, always trying to prove you can manage your own life without the help of others. But you don’t have to. I’ll always be there for you.”

I swipe a tear from my cheek. In hindsight, that’s exactly what I should have done but I was too chicken shit to admit to anyone what an idiot I was. I look up towards the pale blue sky, breathing in the salty ocean air. I understand now why Olivia finds peace in the sounds of the waves and the feel of the warm sand beneath her toes.

Leaning my head against her shoulder, I exhale a slow breath, hoping to calm the nerves buzzing like electricity beneath my skin.

“Yes, I’m acting as your shrink today. Don’t worry, your bill is in the mail,” Olivia says, and I’m thankful for an excuse to laugh, needing a break from all the seriousness. “Let’s talk this out. You’ve gone far too long as the only soldier in this battle.”

“He won’t speak to me, Olivia. He won’t return any of my messages,” I say, my mind drifting to the calls left unanswered and the voice messages left pleading Liam to hear me out. I’ve told him how much I miss him, begged him to call me. I’ve stared at my phone screen, willing him to reply. In response, I’ve gotten nothing but silence.

“Give him time. You’re going to have to be patient. It’s a pretty big bombshell that was dropped into his lap. You’re going to have to give him space to come to terms with it all. It’s not going to happen overnight, especially with Liam. He’s as stubborn as you are.”

“And what if he doesn’t?” I manage to ask, trying to prevent my voice from breaking. My stomach churns at the thought of never hearing his voice again, never feeling his touch.

“Then we’ll deal with that if it happens. Together.”

I press my fingers into my temples, wondering how I’m ever going to face anyone again. How am I going to look Parker in the eye? Jules and Miles? And what about Mr. and Mrs. Bennett? I shrink back into myself at the thought of it.

“Is Parker pretty mad at me?”

“Don’t worry about Parks. I’ll handle him. Everything is going to be okay but Ells, you’re going to have to explain yourself eventually to everyone now that’s it out in the open.”

“I know,” I murmur, looking up at the clouds then back at my best friend. There is forgiveness in her eyes. I’ll do whatever it takes to see that same emotion in Liam’s eyes. In his family’s eyes.

“I fell for him,” I confess, a hitch in my throat, admitting what I’ve been holding in for weeks but have known all along.

“I know. We all saw it. I’m sorry, Ells. I know how much this hurts.”

My eyes are drawn back to the shore, the breaking of new waves helping me to get back to me. It reminds me that while we may not be able to stop them from coming, it’s up to us to decide how to ride them out.

“It will take some time, but he’ll realize how much he misses you.”

And what if he doesn’t? What then?

Liam doesn’t let people in. People need him, not the other way around. Until me - and I broke his trust. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to find a way to earn that trust back.

I squeeze my eyes shut. I’m drowning. I want to scream, to cry. Nothing has ever hurt like this. I would do anything to ease the ache in my chest that has taken up the space where my heart used to be. It’s there every second of every day and I’m not sure how to make it stop.

I want to go back to New York City and the terrace. His arms wrapped firmly around me when he asked me to be his.

It’s as if Olivia can read my mind. Maybe we’ve been friends for that long. Running her hand down the length of my spine, she says, “It’s going to be okay, Ells Bells. There’s a morning waiting for you when this will hurt a lot less.”

I drop my head into my hands and pray to God that she’s right because I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

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