Page 89 of Lost Soul

“Could I trouble you for some sugar?” I ask her in the most irritatingly sweet voice I can manage. And she actually growls under her breath as she storms back to the bar, grabs two sugar sachets and flings them on to my table.

“Thanks ever so.” I smile sarcastically and watch Jessie’s face crease into a smile.

“Looks like you have things handled here,” he smirks. “I’ll be back in a sec.” He leans down to kiss me, and I grab at his cut and pull him closer. Devouring his lips with my mine, I force my tongue into his mouth so I can lap him up from inside. I don't pull away until I’m sure I’ve made my point. I give the shocked-faced blonde a smile as I trail my thumb across Jessie’s bottom lip and swipe away the remnants of my lip gloss.

“See you in a bit, darlin’.” Jessie laughs to himself as he backs out the bar room, he knew what I was doing, and I’m not ashamed at all. I drink my coffee and continue to work despite the thumping between my eyes, because Chop’s still out there, and I’m determined to find him.

The girl gets my dick constantly hard, and these days the only place I ever want to be is inside her. Day and fucking night. The way she just made a point and claimed me in front of Mel was hot as fuck, and I can’t wait to get her all to myself.

I reach the cabins within minutes. It’s eerily quiet up here, everyone being at the club on Prez’s orders so they can tell Maddy whatever information they have. Even Skid’s managed to haul himself out his cabin and is down at the garage helping out Rogue.

I look around for Maddy’s glasses. They aren't beside the bed where they usually were, nor next to the lamp in the living room where she sits and reads sometimes. Then after searching around the kitchen, I find them on the table perched on the top of some box. I’ve never seen it before and something about it makes me curious enough to open it. The inside is full of envelopes, and even stranger, all of them are addressed to me.

I tip the box out on to the table, some of the ones at the bottom have different handwriting, like a child’s written them. I take one and rip it open, and when I realize who they’re from my heart turns to pulp.

Hayley’s letters change everything I ever thought I knew, starting right from the day I met her to just a few weeks ago before she died.

Our life, written in words that read so unfamiliar.

Words stand out from the letter she wrote on the day of her mama’s funeral...

Who knows, one day if Daddy could see how happy you make me rules could change. Until then I’ll just be yours without you knowing.

Painful truths from the day I told her about Maddy…

You asked me to talk to her. I may not know her, but I can tell already she’s not for you. She's nothing like the women that hang around the club. She’s too innocent, too guarded for the person you’ve become.

You need to see what I would do for you, how far I would go to see you happy, and if getting you a new plaything is a way to prove how much you mean to me then the game is on.

More words from the night I took her to that party…

You took off your cut. For her. You always said you would never hide who you were, but there's something about Maddy Summers that has you going against everything you believe in. I can’t decide if she’s bad or good for you. But I know she's bad for me, for us. Very bad.

And from when she brought Maddy here to the club and I got so mad at her…

Okay, it was a mistake to bring her here, although I probably won’t apologize to you for it. Maybe the fact that you cracked a piece of my heart tonight without even knowing it may bring you comfort, but I will forgive you. I will always forgive you because that’s what you do when you love someone.

I read them one by one, losing all sense of time. My tears splash on the pages as I read through them. Torn up between heartache and anger at myself for not seeing the way she’d been hurting for all those years.

I think back to her lying in my arms, her blood coating my hands and the words that she’d fought so hard to say. “It would always have been you.” It had made no sense back then, I thought she was talking nonsense, but now it sliced at my heart like a jagged knife, and I tortured myself by opening another letter and continuing to read.

I know if I stand any chance, I’m gonna have to tell you how I feel soon or lose you forever. Then, I suppose I could lose out to worse people than Maddy Summers, at least she's not Melissa, who by the way is a dog-rough whore… Just hold on a little longer before you let go of me completely, Jessie, I just need a little longer to find the courage to tell you.

The door opening pulls me away from her words, and I quickly wipe away any tears to save face.

“Hey,” Maddy says cheerily as she steps inside.

“You were gone ages I got worried.” She closes the door and hangs up her jacket. “Nyx brought me up. I was done for the day. Managed a few leads but nothing solid…” I hear her, but I don’t take a single word in. My eyes are still fixed hard on Hayley's letters.

“Jessie… you okay?”

“She loved me.” Those are the only words my mouth seems able to form, and I hear how hoarse and weak they sound as they come out.

“Hayley loved me,” I repeat still in shock.

“Of course she loved you. You were like her big brother. She thought the world of you.” Maddy twists my hair around her fingers as she speaks.

“No,” I shake my head. “No. She loved me. Not like a brother. More than that. These are all letters from her. She wanted me and her to be together, for all that time. I used her,” I admit suddenly feeling sick. “I fucking used her to get what I wanted…To get you.” I don’t mean for it to sound so bitter but that’s how it comes out. “I broke her heart and I never even realized, ‘coz I was too fucking selfish to see it.”

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