Page 26 of Glad You Exist

She pauses as she wrings her hands, and I gently grip her knuckles, untangling her fingers.

I wonder if my being here is actually making her anxiety worse. My stomach churns at the thought of me being a stressor for her. She must read my mind because she shakes her head profusely.

“Sorry, it just took me a minute. I’m not used to this”—she gestures between the two of us—“yet.”

I force a nod. After the talk I had with Kim yesterday and her urging me to hang out with Liz like I used to in an effort to get to know her again, I’m feeling pretty vulnerable and exposed.

“Your combo?”

“Oh, yeah...uh, right. Um, it’s my birthday.” A shaky sigh comes out of her, and I notice that her hands were now gripping her arms a little too tightly. “One-one-seven.”

Like I could forget her birthday.

“I remember.”

I earn a genuine smile from her with that. My stomach flip flops at the sight of it.

Fucking butterflies.

I hunch over and work on the lock. I hear her sigh in exasperation.

“Is everything okay Liz?”

She turns, leaning her back on the locker next to hers. She lets out an uneven breath.

“Yeah, I just don’t like rushing to school like this. It makes me restless and when I’m anxious, things go wrong, and I have a hard time focusing.”

“What happened?” Her lock comes off and I take a step back, leaning my shoulder on the locker next to hers as she starts taking stuff out of it. Her mouth pinches in annoyance.

“Danny wanted to use my car instead of getting a rental like he usually does. So, now I have to wait for him to come get me later. And you know my brother, he is never on time anywhere.Thatmakes me nervous.”

I chuckle, “Can I give you a ride? I mean, aren’t we all meeting up later to get started on that project anyways? You can ask him to come get you at Kyle’s, if that makes you feel more comfortable, but one of us can always take you home.” I put a hand up because she looks like she’s going to argue with me. “And before you get pissed about this, I’m telling you that I don’t mind, and neither will they.”

She relents with another smile as she shuts her locker and holds a few books to her chest.

“Okay, thank you. I really appreciate it.”

“Anytime.” I tug the books gently out of her grip and carry them for her, nodding in the direction of our classroom and she falls in step with me. “What are friends for?”

On the car ride to Kyle’s, Brad wastes no time telling me all about the game he’s working on and what he hopes to accomplish with it before he graduates.

I can tell he’s excited to finally be able to share what he’s been working on with me. His face grows more animated, the happiness evident in his voice.

It is incredibly fascinating, actually—I’ve always thought of his as brilliant. Now I have definitive evidence of that and more. I smile at the excitement almost radiating from him. He talks about a breakthrough he recently had on an app he was helping develop for his dad’s company. I feel a pang of regret at having missed so much of his life.

Disappointed in myself that I didn’t bear witness to all the times he created something that made him so proud and happy.

He keeps looking at me to gauge my reactions and each time his eyes get brighter, like he can’t believe I’m actually here with him. I’m hit with the continuing realization that in an effort to protect myself, I failed my best friend. I vow never to do that again. I need to make a conscious effort to be more present for him. To try and match all the efforts he’s putting into rebuilding what we lost.

I don’t know why I even have any doubts when we fall into conversations just as easily as we always have. It feels like we never even stopped being friends.

It is justthateasy between us. As it always has been.

I feel grateful that he’s making such an effort in catching me up on everything I missed.

I feel the guilt, knowing I may not be able to share just as much with him.

I’m still not ready to disclose everything and that is eating at me. I don’t know when or if I will ever be ready to tell him or the others everything, but I cling to the fact that at least we’re attempting to restore what once was. I only hope it’s not too late.

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