Page 56 of Dare To Free Us

“Because it won’t make a difference!” he yelled in my face, looming over me so hard his large fame blocked out the light, making my neck crane back to look at him. “This is our life. My life.” He pounded a fist against his chest hard enough to bruise. I flinched at his outrage, but hadn’t expected anything less. “I am Matteo Russo, Don. I know nothing else. I will not walk away, ever. ”

“Luca did it.”As soon as the words came out I knew I’d made a mistake. Luca was a sore subject on a few different levels. He’d betrayed Matteo and it still burned. But Matteo also loved him as a brother and missed his best friend desperately. Matteo’s face contorted with rage.

My husband’s powerful hands took ahold of my arms, digging his fingers into my flesh. He pulled me up so fast I bounced off his hard chest with a gasp. Matteo had never been so forceful with me.

“Is that what you think?” he snarled in my face. “Let me tell you something. Luca didn’tdoshit. It was my grace and brotherly love that allowed him to leave with his heart still beating. I didn’t have to let him go. I could have kept him here or killed him for his betrayal. I put everything at risk for him and Becka becauseyouasked me to. And now you throw it in my face?”

Hard eyes full of resentment beat down on me. My heart pounded against my ribs as tears wet my cheeks. I’d hurt him deeply, and in doing so let the rip in my soul grow.

A sneer lifted his lip. “You are my wife, Arianna. You best find a way to come to terms with all this because nothing is going to change.”

With that he let go and I stumbled back. Matteo shook his head at me like I was the greatest disappointment he’d ever witnessed. Then he turned and stomped toward the door.

I wanted to cry out to him, tell him I was sorry, but stopped myself. Because I wasn’t sorry. Sorry would imply I’d made a mistake, that I regretted it or didn’t really mean what I said. But I did.

I meant every word as they rose from a place deep inside my chest. My heart felt so tired I wondered it if would stop beating. I would not apologize for being concerned about my child’s safety.

Everyone I’d ever talked to told me, ‘no matter how much you love your husband, you will love your child more’. I didn’t believe them but, they were right, and maybe not so much in amorekind of way, but rather, different. The love I felt for my unborn baby and the need to protect them was the only thing to ever stretch above Matteo.

Enough to have terrible thoughts invade my brain. Matteo said I had to come to terms with everything. But what if I couldn’t? What if I refused to accept that I had no choice in the matter?

Rubbing my hands over my stomach I looked down at my belly and felt a warmth seep into my chest.It’s ok little one. Mommy loves you.

So, the question was… What would I be willing to do? Or more accurately, what would I be willing to give up for them? I sat in my studio for hours thinking about those questions over and over.

The same answer flashed in my mind every time I looked at things form different angles, searching for a way change it. But in the end— no matter how much it hurt— it always came back around to one word.

Everything.

* * *

Matteo didn’t come homethat night. I laid awake in bed listening for the slightest sound of him approaching. I cried and cried until my eyes could shed no more tears and my head pounded.

Matteo had never stayed out all night. Even if it was five o’clock in the morning, he would always return to me. But as the sun rose, spilling light through the windows I forgot to shade the night before, there was no Matteo.

We’d never had a fight like that before. On occasion we argued and fought like most normal couples, but they never lasted long. This was terrifying. He’d walked out looking at me worse than I’d seen him express when talking about his worst enemies.

The pure disgust in his gaze had nearly melted the flesh off my face. I knew he wasn’t discussed with loving me, but that I had turned on him. Even to me it felt like a betrayal. I blindsided him with my doubt. To him I’m sure it seemed like I didn’t trust him to keep me and the baby safe, but that wasn’t it. I knew Matteo would give his life to protect us. However, it’s not actually possible to be prepared for the unexpected. And in our world the unexpected was a different kind of monster.

My eyes stung with blurry vision as I continued to stay curled up in the sheets staring at the door.

All night while I laid awake my head spun with actions I would have to take if my heart refused to settle. The solution was enough to make my guts churn. To make my body convulse with back jarring sobs that exhausted me. My head pounded with a headache that felt like my brain was splitting in half right along with my heart. Hunger scraped at the walls of my stomach, just another avenue of pain. I knew I should get up to eat for my baby’s sake but my thoughts had immobilized me.

When I came to the conclusion of what would be required of me as a mother, my soul well and truly shredded in two. I couldn’t remember feeling anything so painful. My heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest.

I can’t stay.

Leaving Matteo would destroy me, and I wasn’t sure if I had the strength to do it. Just imagining life without him soaked me in a bone-deep, numbing sadness.

I would be miserable the rest of my life. Even more so than before when we were apart, because now I’d had him. He was my best friend. My home. My comfort. And I was his. Not only would I be condemning myself to a misery beyond what I could imagine, but Matteo as well.

Acknowledging I would do that was the hardest part. Destroying myself with my actions would be one thing, but I would be condemning Matteo to a hell on earth as well.

He would never forgive me for the betrayal. Never stop looking for me. If he ever found me… He’d been betrayed by his best friend and considered killing him, what would he do to me? The woman who stole his child. I believed Matteo would never hurt me but my confidence in that was just as fragile as everything else at the time.

A knock sounded on the bedroom door making me jump. Even thinking about running away was enough to have me scared.

“Who is it?” Matteo would never knock on his own bedroom door.

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