Page 108 of My Secret Bandit

“Good try. I feel like a piece of shit. Probably look like one too.” I huffed then fell onto the couch.

“Like that’s possible,” he scoffed. “I came over to see if you wanted to go try this new Asian place. No one I know wants to go or they’re—“

“Did Sierra tell you I wasn’t eating?” I asked, cutting him off, remembering the bickering she did during our midnight rendezvous to retrieve my car when I told her I wasn’t hungry even after barely eating all day.

His look of guilt gave him away.

“I appreciate your concern. But I’m not starving myself. I just don’t feel like eating. I can’t while my stomach is twisted up in a thousand different knots.”

“I get that. But I’m not leaving until you try so…” he said, extending his arm toward the door.

“Fine. But I expect you to relay this to your accomplice, so she gets off my back.”

“Consider it done.”

Being with Xander helped me forget the empty feeling, even if the effect only lasted temporarily. Like numbing medicine on a toothache, the pain was still there, but at least I had a few soothing minutes of relief. He was funny, charming, and kind. He was like Mateo in a lot of ways. Only the thought of Xander didn’t make me want to hide away and cry for the rest of eternity.

“Got any plans for Thanksgiving?” he asked before shoveling noodles into his mouth with a set of chopsticks.

I shrugged.

This time of year wasn’t really one I was looking forward to. “Probably nothing. Sierra invited me to go with her. Jeffrey and Suzanne did too, but I don’t think I’ll be much company to anyone.”

He reached across the table and took my hand. “Shit. I’m sorry, I forgot about your mom.”

“It’s okay. At least for this first year, I’ll be better off spending it alone. Are you going to Ben and Tom’s?”

“No.” He shook his head and cleared his throat. When his eyes met mine, the honey brown darkened with sadness and uncertainty. “We’re actually going to do it at Mateo’s. Mari has to report to the base out here first thing the next morning, so already being in Tampa will give her an extra hour with everyone.”

Suddenly we weren’t just sad about what happened between me and Mateo or my mom’s passing. We worried about Mariana, hoping she’d have a smooth transition while going out on tour again. It felt weird. The way the pride mixed with the sadness when thinking about someone you love risking their life daily.

For me, the sadness outweighed everything. Sad she had to leave her family. Sad she had to watch her daughter grow up behind a computer screen. Sad that we couldn’t know where she was or what she was doing. But I was also proud of her, the path she chose, the life and legacy she wanted to create.

“What’s next?” Xander asked, noticing my silence.

“Don’t know. I’m going back to work tomorrow. I probably won’t be doing any practices for a while, though. So, if you want to see me…”

“I know exactly where to find you. And I’ll happily invade girl time, even if Tink tries to kill me because of it.”

Silence swept over our table as we ate. I wanted to ask how Mateo was doing, and I think Xander was giving me the time to do that. He never rushed me or made me feel like I needed to be talking. His phone chimed a few times, and he paid little attention to it. He ate, throwing hopeful looks at me every time my mouth opened, only to fall closed again.

Back at my house, I sat in his car.

If I wanted to ask, I needed to do it now. Rip the band aid off and let it sting for a minute.

“How is he?”

“Damn. I was starting to think you wouldn’t ask.” He laughed. “He’s already texted me a hundred times asking the same thing.”

He pulled out his phone and scrolled through the messages that came through while we were at the restaurant.

Mateo: How is she?

Mateo: ???

Mateo: If she’s not good, just tell me. I can handle it.

Mateo: Nvm. Don’t tell me. I can’t handle it.

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