Page 112 of My Secret Bandit

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” He shrugged.

“You’re not paying for this.” I moved to intercept the card before she made it back to the counter.

Xander stepped in front of me with his hands on my shoulders. We both watched as Stacy pushed his card into the machine.

“Aw. Too late.” With a fake pout, he walked over to the counter. He came back holding a box with a smile on his face. Squatting, he took the top off and slid a dark green pair of shoes on my feet, then stood and admired his work.

“Shit, I should’ve been a stylist.”

“But then who would supply the condoms?” Sierra asked, batting her lashes.

He waved her off.

“You look great. You’re gonna be the most beautiful person there.” He winked, holding onto me while I slipped from the shoes and headed back for the dressing room after having Sierra push the zipper down just enough for me to finish it myself. “Now that that’s taken care of, can we eat? I’m starving.”

“Finally! I’m about to wilt away,” Sierra replied with a dramatic groan.

Normally my friends’ theatrics would at least put a smile on my face, but I hadn’t felt like smiling much lately. The most they’d gotten in these three weeks was a hint of a grin and a weak half laugh.

Honestly, we were lucky I wasn’t in one of my meltdown moods where everything reminded me of Mateo, and everything made me miss him.

Why would I miss someone that said they were “trimming the weight”—i.e., me—from their life without even a second thought? The more time I spent thinking, the more time the little depressed devil on my shoulder said he meant his words. That somewhere deep inside, he saw me the same way everyone else did. The fat girl, unworthy of love or respect.

But the angelic mini-Mateo on the opposite side refused to believe it.

He knew he wouldn’t have spent so much time building me up, helping me discover my worth if he really felt that way. He wouldn’t have been so comfortable, so ready to give me the love I’d been missing. That little angel made it his life’s mission to pull me to his side. And most days, I did.

But today didn’t feel like one of those days.

Today felt like an angry day that could’ve been a lot worse if it wasn’t for these two knuckleheads around to keep me centered.

After following me home, Xander carried his purchase inside, storing it in the closet.

“So,” he started when he came back into the living room, “I heard you saw Mill and Mari.”

I nodded.

Lately, when I wasn’t crying myself to sleep over Mateo, I cried myself to sleep because the look on Amelia’s face when she left was like taking a scalding hot knife to my already broken heart.

“And how was that?” he asked, sitting on a barstool, staring at me with his elbows on his knees.

“Torture. I love that little girl. And it fucking sucks to think I left her right before her mom had to.”

Xander joined me on the couch. He wrapped one arm around my shoulder and tucked me into his side. “They know you love them.”

The meaning of his words lingered in the air before the heavy cloud settled on top of me.

“Yeah, but how am I supposed to know when to let go, Xander? I mean, at some point I have to, right? Find a way to make it hurt less?”

He stared at me then his eyes focused on the wall in front of us.

“I think that’s something you have to figure out on your own. But I don’t think it’s something you should worry about right now. A serious conversation needs to happen first. There’s so much love between the two of you still. He feels it, I know you can too. If you didn’t, all this wouldn’t hurt so bad. It’ll get better, Jamie. It may take a while, but eventually, you’ll find your way back.”

“Thanks, Xander,” I mumbled, leaning my head on his shoulder.

I’d never be ready to let go of Mateo or rid myself of my love for him. I just wanted the pain to leave. I wanted to move through a single day without a breakdown, without needing to pull myself back together afterward.

---