Page 116 of My Secret Bandit

I never experienced a war of emotions quite like the one that circled me now.

Anger.

Hurt.

Excitement.

Confusion.

They all fought for their place at the front of the line, along with a mountain of other emotions I’d never be able to put names to.

My body shook as I led Xander away.

“I can’t do this.”

“You can, Jamie. Youneedthis. And he needs to do it. He knows how badly he messed up, believe me, he does. Look.“ He took a long breath, his hand scrubbing over his beard. “All I know is Mateo was the happiest I’d ever seen him with you by his side. The way you two move when you’re together is something people dream of having. Please, if he apologizes, just hear him out. You don’t have to get back with him right away. Hell! You don’t have to get back with him at all. But if Mateo is what makes you happy, please don’t make the same mistake he made by pushing you away.”

“Xander, I’m not ready. My heart can’t take it.” I clutched my chest as if I could hold the broken pieces together from the outside.

“Sweetheart,” he cooed, his hand smoothing my hair from my shoulders. “You don’t have to be ready right this second. Just listen and decide in your own time what you want to do. Either way, I’m here. I’m happy if you’re happy and I’ll help piece you back together if you’re not.” He pulled my hands from my chest and softly pressed them to his lips. “I’ll wait in the car.”

I drew in a deep breath and moved back toward Mateo, only blowing out the air once I stood in front of him with a wide gap between us.

“You look beautiful.” His words ghosted over me. So quietly, I wasn’t sure he even meant to start the conversation that way.

I imagined that when this time came, I’d feel relieved or happy to see him again. But every emotion I felt before was eclipsed by one.

Anger.

Angry that he wasn’t with me tonight. Wasn’t around to support Xander or his team. Angry that the first thing he chose to say was that I lookedbeautiful.

Ha!Fucking beautiful.As if his last words to me didn’t leave me feeling like anything but.

“Guess I needed to do a little trimming of my own, huh?” I thought sarcasm would make me feel better, but the pained wince that pinched his handsome face was the polar opposite of satisfying. My arms wrapped tight around my body. The mild night breeze like needles against my bare skin.

“Jameson.” He exhaled. “That’s not what I meant.” He kicked pebbles around on the asphalt for a minute with his hands tucked into the front pocket of his jeans before his eyes flicked back up to me.

Something unfamiliar lingered in them.

“You and Xander look good together. Happy, with your smiles and matching outfits.”

Ah!

His jealousy only helped my anger stay steady.

“You!” With one finger pointed at him, my voice cracked, mixing the fury with all the pain I’ve carried for six long weeks. “You don’t get to be jealous, Mateo. It easily could’ve been you beside me instead of him. It should’ve been! I asked if you knew what you were doing! I gave you a chance to keep from breaking us!”

“You did,” he agreed. “I should’ve listened. Knowing I hurt you haunts me every night. I’m sorry, Jameson. Sorry I wasn’t here with you tonight, or to hold you on Thanksgiving. I’m so fucking sorry for what I said. I wish I could redo that day. Please know I didn’t mean it.”

The lights above glistened against the fresh tears in his eyes and my heart ached, struggling to stay intact seeing him like that.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to accept any apologies right now. I need time.”

The words gripped like a vice around my heart as I said them.

In a complete reverse from how I felt earlier, the pesky flake of a traitorous organ wanted nothing more than to forget everything, leap into those powerful arms and let his lips soothe away my pain, but my brain turned reluctant. It knew how fragile my heart was and I was thankful at least part of me was seeing things rationally.

“That’s okay.”

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