Page 117 of My Secret Bandit

For the first time since we started talking, he moved closer. So close I could feel the warmth of his breath intertwining with my own.

“I messed up. I know that. The first night I saw you, I swore you’d never have this heartbroken look again. I failed. You. Me. Us. And I’ll do whatever you need to make things right. If you need time, take it. I’m willing to wait forever for you to be ready. Anything for you, Jameson. You know that.”

I didn’t know if it was his words, the way his eyes softened and melted into mine, or how his hands clenched to keep from reaching out for me, but tears pricked my eyes.

This was what I wanted for almost two months. What I’d been waiting for, but the thought of giving myself back to Mateo terrified me. As much as I wanted to think I was this badass woman in control of her emotions, her choices, I knew it wasn’t the whole truth.

He held just as much power as I did.

I gave it to him when I willingly placed my heart in his hands.

He could either help me mend what broke or shatter it beyond repair and leave me to scrounge up the pieces on my own.

“Okay,” I said simply, blinking back the tears, refusing to add to the millions I cried already.

I moved by him, reaching for the door handle when his hand met mine as he did the same. A bolt of energy shot through me as our skin touched, I looked up at him. Our stares lingered and I could seemyMateo, trying his hardest to climb back to the surface.

He opened my door and took care of my dress, making sure to tuck every inch inside the car without it tangling with my feet. My breaths came in silent pants as the back of his hand grazed across the bare skin of my shoulder, pulling the seatbelt, and buckling me in.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

He offered nothing more than a silent nod.

He leaned forward, his head tipping down to mine the way he’d done a million times before. We both froze. Me waiting for the kiss he wanted to leave and him realizing he didn’t have the right to do so anymore. My eyes squeezed shut when I felt his body pull away without leaving that small, priceless gesture against me.

My head fell back, exhaling toward the roof with my eyes still clenched closed and my skirt fisted between my fingers. My only focus was on not letting the sobs break free like they fought to do. I forced myself to hold it together, to stay in one piece. At least until he was gone.

Deep inhale slowly released, I felt something gently drop into my lap before the car door shut.

When the car started to move, I finally looked through the side mirror.

Mateo stood there, watching us, his hand moving over his curls. When I couldn’t see him anymore, I glanced down. An envelope rested in my lap. Like heated cinder blocks it weighed my legs down, burning me at the same time. My fingers refused to pick it up at first, brushing over the paper several times, preparing for the flame that was sure to hurt.

Clicking on the overhead light, I pulled paper from the envelope.

Ignoring the shake of my hands, I unfolded and glanced down at Mateo’s handwriting.

Jameson,

I’ve honestly lost count of how many times I’ve tried writing this letter to you. Every time I finish, it never feels like enough. Like I’m not doing enough or saying enough. If you decide to throw this away without even a second thought, I get it. I know there probably isn’t a lot I can say to help you forgive me. I know I’ll never be able to apologize enough for what I said or how I treated you, but I am sorry. I’m sorry I let my frustrations get the best of me. I’m sorry I let you walk away without fighting to get you to stay. I’m sorry you had to clean up my mess with Amelia, that you had to explain the situation to her by yourself. I’m sorry for letting you think any of this was your fault in the first place. I’m sorry for pushing you away when all I really wanted was to pull you close.

I know I can’t take any of it back or make the pain of it any less for you, but I wish I could. I wish I could soothe your broken heart and make it whole again. Until then I’ll keep working on forgiving myself. I’ll continue trying to be the best man I can because on the off chance that you want me back, I won’t allow anything less than my best self back into your life. I love you, Jameson. And with or without me, you deserve nothing but the best.

Always yours,

Mateo

“You good?” Xander asked when I slipped the refolded paper back into the envelope.

I watched the streetlights intermittently light up the dark stretch of freeway, trying to sum up the best answer for him. When I couldn’t find the words, I shook my head.

“Jamie,” he said, glancing over to see the tears I battled, finally winning and spilling down my cheeks. He grabbed my hand from my lap. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

Myfirstdaybackto practice and my nerves left me clinging to Jeffrey all the way through the parking lot.

Not that he was much to cling to. He’d been trying to talk me out of coming for days now. I mean, I saw his point. He didn’t want me in an uncomfortable position, but seven weeks was long enough.

And in all honesty, I’d been going stir crazy staring at the office walls.

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