Page 119 of My Secret Bandit

Instead, my eyes had their own agenda and followed the sideline, stopping short of the ten-yard marker where Mateo pedaled on a stationary bike, talking to two trainers that stood around inspecting his movements.

He looked good, like rehab was going well. But even yards away I could see the same dark circles and tired eyes from when I saw him after the fundraiser.

The way he looked that night with tears in his eyes became the newest image to plague my sleep.

Every night I lived the same nightmare.

Mateo, falling into a pitch-black abyss. That same sad, heartbreaking look on his face and tears in his eyes. He screams my name. His hands helplessly, frantically scrape and pull against the gray tinted water rushing over the rocks surrounding us. I’m trying to save him. Using every last inch of my body to reach out and grab a hold but I’m failing. Every time my fingertips touch his, he slips further out of my grasp, leaving him drowning. Disappearing beneath the rush of a dark, angry wave. The echo of his screams the only thing remaining.

“Jameson. Breathe, baby.”

I didn’t realize how my eyes squeezed shut. How my body trembled or my throat closed, refusing to let any air pass to my lungs until I heard him, felt his warm palms against my cheeks.

“Slowly. In through your nose, then slowly out through your mouth.”

The memory of his voice repeating those instructions helped steady me as my body leaned into him, eyes closed, only focusing on his gentle, soothing touch for a few long minutes.

“Shit,“ he hissed, noticing my cheeks still cradled in his hands and his thumbs smoothing across the soft skin. “I’m sorry.” He pulled away and the resulting empty feeling left me shivering. “Are you okay?”

Looking up at him, I nodded, still trying to control my heartbeat.

“I can go to the training room… if it’ll make you more comfortable.” He looked so fucking miserable all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him, but my body wouldn’t move.

It wasn’t until he turned that I unfroze enough to reach out and grab his hand before he walked too far off.

God, it felt good to have his hand in mine again.

It felt like home.

All the comfort and love I’d been missing was waiting for me, right there in the warmth of his palm.

“Don’t leave,” I whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He pressed his lips to my knuckles, leaving my chest aching, and a rekindled spark coursing through every nerve. “I’m here when you’re ready.”

Letting my hand fall, he returned to the trainers.

“Um… what the fuck was that?” Xander quizzed, slowly stepping up beside me.

“Progress. I think?”

“Fuck yeah, girl! That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!” he cheered, jostling my shoulders in quiet excitement.

I snuck a look at Mateo as he busied himself with the bike again.

I wanted to be done overthinking everything. I wanted to be done hurting. I wanted to be done living without him. As much as I wanted those things, I didn’t think I was ready.

“So… first day back. How was it?” Sierra asked, pulling me into the booth beside her.

“Terrifying. Nerve-racking, but also weirdly comforting.”

Today marked my first day back to more than one place. My first day back at practice, first day back to our weekly dinner. Before, I refused to be the depressing cloud hovering over the group while they tried to unwind and enjoy themselves. I didn’t want to be the one to ruin the good time, even though they’d been begging me to come.

When I woke this morning, I still wasn’t sure if I’d join them or not, but after practice, my thoughts shifted. I left with a sense of calm hugged around me that I hadn’t felt in weeks. A sensation I wanted to assume came from Mateo and the delicate way he brought me back from my daytime nightmare.

That sense of calm carried me through the next couple days and every day I felt more relaxed, excited even, to go to practice. Instead of avoiding Mateo, soft stolen glances filled with longing collided over the yards separating us. As the days passed those looks turned to subtle smiles and by the end of the week, he looked better.

Emotionally. Physically.

---