Page 61 of Ruse
The list of emotions that have become irrelevant to me, is longer than the list of those that remain. Anger, disgust, arousal, that’s about where the list of what I’m capable of feeling starts and ends. Joy, sadness, fear, surprise, love, that’s where I go numb.
Not specifically that I’m incapable of feeling them, more so that I no longer find the need to. The shit I’ve been dealt in life obliterated the significance of the emotions away.
Why experience happiness when you're alone your whole life, sent away from your family, left to fend for yourself?
Why continue to experience sadness, when you've been so overcome by grief and let down by people around you it becomes irrelevant to care?
The ability to fear the unknown becomes moot when every fear you had as a child becomes your reality.
And after consistent let downs by people showing who they truly are and understanding the depravity of those in power that surround us daily, well nothing surprises you.
The final, the most vital some would say, is the one I don’t think I’ve ever truly felt.
Love.
Four letters that mean so much to most, yet to me are meaningless. I wasn’t born this way - this is what I became after giving up on everything and everyone.
They say love conquers all, but that’s only for those who can conquer it.
If I ever became sad, upset, or disgusted by those around me, I channeled it all into aggression. It was the only feeling that gave me any type of reward. Whether it was the underground street fights I dabbled in as a freshman, or joining in on the illicit activities the kids I went to school with inherited, the only thing that held any importance to me, also seemed to be what I thrived in.
Anger, and fuck was I angry.
All that was later channeled into something the aggression wouldn't satisfy. So yeah, I used sex as the outlet I needed when the pent-up fury and frustration didn’t disappear when I shoved my fist into an unsuspecting douche, finding the need to shove my dick into a consenting pussy, but who fucking doesn’t.
Which is why at the slightest sign that one of those loathsome and suppressed emotions was creeping its way up to the surface, I knew I had to shut it down. To squash the fuckingbutterfliesand murder the inconsequential little shits before they in return left me that way.
How are you supposed to believe in love, when the one that’s supposed to be the most authentic of examples is a fucking joke?
What just happened between Phoenix and I hit too close to home. The shit which was bubbling up to the surface when I walked away from her after nearly making her come for everyone to see, and inhaling the decadent scent that drives me wild, needed to be put to rest.
I had other things I needed to think about. It was time for me to be selfish.
“Why did you want to meet?” Levi asks as she joins me at a table outside Caffe Luxxe in The Village. The Village is buzzing with people shopping around and enjoying these last twenty-four hours of summer, although the sunshine will last for another three months. I asked Levi to meet me here the second I confirmed with Brett that my suspicions were true. I chose The Village as I needed to be in a public place where not only someone would surely see us together, but where I could easily lure her in with the excuse of getting to know her better. What better way than over a latte.
I may have also kept our meeting public in case her reaction to what I am about to confess somehow blows out of proportion and she has some type of premature meltdown. She’s from Malibu Cove after all, chicks around here are trained at an early age to keep calm and collected during the most scandalous of instances when others are around, and I’m about to test that theory.
Bringing the cup of coffee to my lips, I take a sip of the scalding beverage. It was prudent I order something to make this seem legit and the only way I drink my coffee is black and damn near boiling, not to mention with a finger or two of whiskey which I could really use right now.
I watch the weary way she gazes at me, suspicion clear in the way her eyes crease at the corners, her lips twitching like she’s biting them from the inside.
“Like I said, I wanted to get to know you better.” As expected, she doesn’t look convinced, even slightly hostile now as her eyebrows pull in further together. “I have to say Blondie,” I continue, “You left me intrigued the other day.”
“Aren’t you dating Phoenix Bancroft,” she accuses rather than asks, not falling for my game.
Laughing lightly, I set the mug back on the table between us, bringing my gaze away from her. “Phoenix is my stepsister,” I add neither admitting nor denying her accusation. The rumor has been floating around town and it may have something to do with what almost happened between us earlier at the pier.
Levi takes a sip of the sugary, almost white beverage she ordered, not convinced. “Whatever. Look Maverick, you’re hot and all, like really freaking hot, but you're not really my type.”
I almost spit out my drink at her comment. “Not your type?” I ask appalled, “Honey I’m everyone’s type.”
A light breeze wafts nearby blowing her hair away from her face. “Let me rephrase that,” she murmurs, pretending to be deep in thought. This girl is unique to put it nicely. “Physically yeah, like a million times yeah, but I know your “actual” type,” she adds air quotes around the last word. “The players, the mysterious bad boys who are always up to no good and probably have a record, not so much. I’ll admit I like my guys to be nice, pretty boys with respect for their mommas, and respect for the rules. You Maverick Carter scream rule breaker with a capital F-U-C-K. Do you not remember how worked up I was about being in the principal's office?”
Yeah, this girl may have his last name and blood running through her veins, but that's where the similarities start and end.
This is obviously not working the way I was expecting, so it’s time I just cut to the nitty gritty of why we’re here. “Alright enough pointing out everything wrong with me and let's get down to why you're really here.”
She gleams triumphantly, clapping her hands excitedly. “See I knew it. You’re more predictable than you think, Maverick.”
