Page 11 of Compassion

She wasn’t actually offering me a chance to go inside.

To get to know her.

Totalklike a date versus a stranger you’re just shooting the shit with.

Fuck, a date? Did I really just…even…thinkthat shit? What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I suffering from lack of nutrition again? You’d think my body would be used to this shit by now.

I cautiously approach the area her trashcan and recycle bin are stored, eyes continuously sweeping the scene, knowing two of her neighbors are not only nosey, but meddling. Last week one of them – I’m pretty sure the one that lives directly next door – left a note on top of Pizza Woman’s trashcan labeling me a bum and threatening to call the cops if she saw me digging around again.

Which makes coming back here even riskier than it was when I showed up on Pizza Day. But…I…can’t seem to help myself. I wanna see her again. And hear her again. And get another dose of kindness that I haven’t had in fucking years. Plus, her trash is still some of the freshest around and a guy’s gotta eat.

Just as I prepare to open the door to the white fenced enclosure where the supply treasure chests are stored, the sound of her front door opening halts all my movements.

My breathing.

I don’t even consider fucking blinking.

“Hey, you,” Pizza Woman warmly calls out causing my heart to beat a little harder against my ribcage. “How about Chinese tonight?”

Fuck. Me.

She’s still using the sametone.

Offering the same…compassion.

Sucking in a deep breath, I run my hands along the front of my jacket to iron out any wrinkles I possibly can, anxious to look more presentable.

Not that it fucking matters. This isn’t date number two or number four when she invites me in for a drink that’s clearly going to lead to sex. This is just…Well, it’s just…Look, I honestly don’t know what it is other than an unexpected meal I didn’t have to pick off maggots from. Or cook maggotswithto have a better source of protein for the day.

By the time I finally turn around, not only is she casually cradling the container of food ready to hand it over like its Tupperware and we’re neighbors, but she’s standing closer.

Much closer.

Almosttoofucking close.

I wouldn’t hurt her. I wouldneverhurt a woman. It’s just her being so close to someone like me…is the last thing I would ever expect. It’s crazy enough she’s this…welcoming. I can hardly fathom the idea she’s not repulsed by the look of me or the smell. Yeah, I mean I took a shower a little bit ago and do my best to keep myself somewhat groomed – that whole blend in with your surroundings shit – but she knows what I am. She has to. She knows andstilldoesn’t mind being in my presence. How is this shit possible?

“It’s from Ph?cking Duck, this Asian Cuisine restaurant that’s in the same shopping complex asLoca Mocha Casabloca.” She gives a small bite to her lightly glossed bottom lip. “Have you ever been?” A small cringe unexpectedly occurs on her face, which I assume is from worry that she offended me. “To the Chinese place, not the coffee one.”

Huh.

Not the clarification I was expecting.

“Orto the coffee place? Have you been there?” Anxiousness to know more information has her beautiful eyes widening. “Have you tried both?”

My mouth drops open to respond yet nothing comes out.

The first time we met I swore the reason I didn’t say anything was because I didn’t want to scare her off. I mean I don’t have like a horror movie voice or something that sends people running for the hills, it’s just in my experience, I’ve learned talking makes the situation – my situation –too realfor some people. And I didn’t want her to go through that. Especially when she was just so…open, ya know? So…sweet. However, now I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I justcan’ttalk around her. Like maybe my mind has morphed into believing that if I speak it’ll ruin everything. Because that’s what I fucking do. I fucking ruin everything. Ruin shit and get others killed. That’s my fucking M.O.

“I ask too many questions,” Pizza Woman brushes off when she doesn’t receive a response. “I’m sorry. Would you believe me if I told you that that’s totallynotusually how I am? That most of the time people have to likeyankme into a conversation?” She has another bashful bite of her bottom lip prompting my eyes to steal a hungry glance of the damn thing. “Holy shit, I just asked two more questions right after declaring I ask too many questions!”

It’s impossible not to smirk.

Quietly chuckle.

“God, I hope you’re laughingwith meand not at me.”

Still unable to form words, I hastily nod.

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