Page 38 of Compassion

“Look, if it were totally up to me, you wouldn’t doanything.You would just accept all the help I’m trying to give because I care about you, move your shit into one of the spare rooms, and make yourself at home however you saw fit, but we both know your clouded conscience – for some reason – won’t allow that, so this is an alternative solution. Webothget what it is we really want, which isyouout of the cold, safe, and somewhere I can find you when I need you.”

Warmth rapidly spreads throughout my chest. “Need me?”

“Want you.”

The heat swiftly moves to lower regions as I ask, “Want me?”

“Err…um…” Her face starts twitching and cringing in winces while searching for more appropriate phrasing I honestly hope she never finds. “You uh…you know what I mean.”

I’m not sure that I do.

But I’m not sure that I want to.

She shouldn’t get attached to me.

Just like I shouldn’t get attached to her.

And yet I’m pretty sure we both already are.

Why didn’t you stop this shit from happening?!

Tightening my grip on the cart, I cautiously investigate, “For how long?”

“How about we don’t try to eat the whole elephant at once? How about we take it one bite at a time?”

“Who the fuck eats elephants?”

“Lions. Hyenas. Crocodiles. They all go after baby elephants or the sick ones in the herd.”

“Why do you know that?”

“I know a lot of random things about a lot of things. It’s a blessing and a curse of reading so much.”

Offering her a warm grin can’t be helped. “Just a blessing, sweetheart.”

The faintest amount of red touches her cheeks prior to her adding, “Anyway, the phrase isn’t about actually eating elephants. It’s just something my dad has always said to me about dealing with big problems or issues. It’s somethinghis dadsaid to him. Andhis dadsaid to him. And something I hope to say to my own kids someday.”

“You will.”

My reassurance is met by a bashful grin.

What? She will. I didn’t correct her to sayourkids, which would be a reason to blush. Huh? No, I don’t think we’ll have kids together someday. Fuck, I don’t even think we’ll be friends longer than a couple days. Clearly, you’re just as insane as she might be.

After ditching the organizing area, we grab the aforementioned oil and a couple of other house maintenance items I think we might need for this arrangement. Meandering through the book section is next with both of us grabbing a couple new books. Jaye grabs fiction novels – one romance, one young adult contemporary – and I grab two non-fiction – one autobiography, one biography. Eventually, we find ourselves in the food selection, the area we should’ve been in long before now. I do the best I can encouraging to grab itemsshelikes or wants only to be met by the insistence webothpick out things. From what I gather by the comments she makes, this is new. Typically, she has always bought what Chris wanted. Liked.Preferred.And when he didn’t have a preference, she either didn’t get it or referred to her mother’s choice. Repeatedly hearing how she’s lost her capability to choose even the simplest things hurts in unpredicted ways.

Maybe because I hate how it sounds like she was bullied into being someone she’s not.

Or maybe because I’ve lost my own ability to have choices too due to survival needs.

Both? You think it’s both.

Our cart gets overrun with what I believe to be more than we need and during the check-out process, the jaw-dropping bill just further confirms it. I do my best to casually insist we can put some things back to which Jaye playfully brushes off to meandthe cashier. My attempting to assist in bagging the items is also blocked by my new landlord yet before leaving the building she manages to get an application for the store that swears they’re always hiring.

Her victorious strutting back to the car is equally irritating and sexy.

Sheshouldalways have this much confidence to her.

She’s brilliant and kind and curvier than a 1962 Tuxedo Black Chevrolet Corvette.

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