Page 24 of Dirty Crown
My Kings all had left for school an hour before I got the call. They were diving back into their studies, but I was waiting to find out my future.
If only Avery hadn’t dragged me into the situation with Seymour, I could have slipped back in with minimal consequences. Even if Ivan didn’t advocate for me directly, everybody knew who I was. Everybody knew I was loaded, and could cause a world of trouble if I wanted.
They didn’t know I wasn’t like a lot of kids who had grown up with wealth, I didn’t use it as a weapon. In fact, my money still made me feel slightly embarrassed at times, ashamed to be rich now when most of the world still struggled to survive.
I always felt like I hadn’t earned it, so I didn’t deserve it. Maybe I’d get over that once day, but for now it wasn’t helping me deal with my current situation.
I’d even used Ivan’s influence to help Ryker and Kingston, but it hadn’t helped me so far.
When I got out of my car, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was trying something new lately, focusing on the positive instead of getting tangled up in the negative thoughts that always took over my head. I knew it wasn’t going to change my life or anything, I wasn’t one of those ‘manifest your destiny’ types, but I was tired of being scared all the time.
And that’s what it boiled down to, my anxiety was driven by fear. I’d lived in that state for so long that it had become normal for me. When I wasn’t afraid, I was waiting for something to happen. It was as if I was constantly holding my breath, and that left me exhausted and anxious a lot of the time.
I was tired of feeling like that, so I’d read online that focusing on the good in my life might help. It needed to center myself before big events like this, so that even if it didn’t go my way I wasn’t going to let the blow to my fragile stability send me spinning out of control.
I guess that’s what it was mainly about. I was tired of feeling like I was just balancing on the razor’s edge. On one side was violent madness where I used my money and power to fly to Austria and gun down the Kostins like the dogs they were. Where slit Maksim’s throat instead of merely slicing his chest, and I shot Ilya after making him watch.
The other side of that was the one I pursued now, with my deep breathing and positive affirmations. That was the side where I gave mercy and sought peace. I wouldn’t ignore the world’s problems, but I wouldn’t let them consume me. I could do more people more good if I took care of myself and the Kings first and then worked outwards from there.
I could help when I found abused people, I could destroy when I found bullies.
But I wouldn’t make that my entire mission, I wouldn’t spend my life looking for horrible people. I could spend my life looking for victims and giving them some relief, that would be enough.
“Are you okay?”
I opened my eyes and realized I’d been standing there for an awkwardly long time. Neve had caught me like that, I didn’t know how long she’d been in front of me as I’d stretched.
“Oh,” I laughed nervously. “You caught me. I was just trying to psych myself up to go find out the results of last night’s meeting. To find out if I’m allowed back in.”
“I wish Seymour was found so they’d get off your back,” she said. “I mean, the cops cleared you even if that one bitch was being a total twat about it.”
Neve had gotten more outspoken now that she had two boyfriends. Although she’s been on the way on her own, I liked to think I had something to do with it.
“That’s basically what my friend Penny said,” I replied and laughed. “You two would get along.”
“Does she have more than one?” Neve asked, raising a single eyebrow. I got her drift.
“No, she’s firmly attached at the hip to her one and only true love,” I said. “It’s cute, actually, they’re like one complete person when they’re together. They’re very happy.”
“So I’m your only wild friend like you?” she asked with a sly smile on her face.
“I guess so,” I replied and joined her in letting out a small laugh. “I never thought about it like that, though. Like there’s us and them, I feel like everybody just figures out what fits and goes with it.”
She looked stricken and her face fell. “Oh my god, I’m sorry,” she stammered. “I didn’t mean to imply there was something wrong with your friend. I was just trying to be goofy, to take your mind off things.”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” I said and waved my hand as if sweeping away any negativity. “I’m sorry if I came off as a condescending asshole. I just meant everybody is entitled to their own lives, and I don’t want people to think that I’m judging them for anything. As long as it’s consensual and safe, then people can do what they want.”
“I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to apologize,” Neve started to say and then laughed louder. “Fuck, I’m such a dork. I can’t even talk about having more than one boyfriend without sounding like a total creeper. Clearly I’m not the wild friend here.”
We talked it out a little more, and I realized Neve was just trying to be accepted with her new lifestyle. I understood that feeling, the pressure of needing to fit into society’s narrow standards and the need to escape them. Neve was feeling what I’d gone through in the beginning, when I’d felt like a slut at one moment, and a liberated queen the next. Like I was simultaneously better than, and yet worse than everybody else.
The human brain was so stupid sometimes, the things our own thoughts put us through.
The alarm went off on my phone and I took another deep breath to center myself.
“Well, this is it. Time to find out if I slink off with my tail between my legs, use Ivan’s money and power to bully my way back onto campus, or they decided to let me come back,” I said.
“I’ll walk with you. Give you whatever support I can.”
