Page 43 of Reckless Liar

All I want is you.

I know you need me too.

At the time those words sounded so romantic, so mighty in the face of the pain I’d faced in losing him. I wanted to believe in those words—that he came back for me, that he came back because he loved me and couldn’t live without me. But once again, there was more to the story than I expected.

“Max never saw what he had. He never appreciated all the amazing gifts in his life. If I could’ve been as charismatic as Max, as funny, as confident—the things I could’ve done with my life. Then maybe I would’ve gotten the only thing I ever really wanted. Yeah, Max had a shitty childhood, but so did I. But at least he had you. You were the only good thing he thought he had. When are you going to see the truth, Ana? He was never going to let you be free of him. You know that, right?”

I pulled myself up until I was sitting back on my heels above him. “You don’t get it. Back then, I didn’t want to be free of him.”

He lay prone next to me, staring at me straight on. “I know you didn’t. I knew that. I’m not telling you that I expected you to choose me. I’m not an idiot, Ana. I’m telling you that you deserved better than Max. You deserved better, and he knew it. You need to think about that while you’re dragging his ghost around with you everywhere you go.”

“I am not dragging...” I blubbered, shocked. “You are being such an asshole right now. I hope you know you’ve ruined a perfectly pleasant night for me.”

He tucked his hands under his head and looked back at the ceiling. “It’s worth it. I don’t care if you’re mad at me, Sweet. I’m tired of lying to you. I’m tired of holding in Max’s secrets. It’s not worth it to me. Not when I know you aren’t letting him go.”

“This isn’t a three-step process, Xander. This,” I hit my hand against my chest. “How I’m feeling, this is grief. I don’t know how I can let it go. You make these comments like they’re going to help me get over it. But I don’t know if they will. All they do is make me feel worse.”

He propped himself up, leaning back on each elbow. “I don’t want you to feel worse, Ana. I want you to understand the truth.”

“You know, hearing these things, finding out about the girls, the drugs, the money issues. It’s like I never really knew him. And do you know where that leaves me?”

Xander had the good instinct to stay quiet as I continued talking. “I lost Max—I lost the person I loved more than anything in the world. And then the farther away from his death becomes the more I find out about him, and every time I find out something new, it’s like I’m losing him all over again. Because that means I never really knew him. Every time I learn something new, I have to reconstruct the man I lost, and I feel the ache of his dying all over again.”

He looked stricken at my words. “That wasn’t what I meant to do, Ana. I wanted you to understand the truth about him.”

“You can’t love a man you never really knew. That’s the only conclusion I can come up with. So more than anything, that is what I’m grieving. The loss of the love of my life. The death of the man I never wanted to be free of.”

“Do younow?“ Xander whispered. “After all this time do you still love him?”

I set my jaw looking down at Xander, his face so open and honest. While I allowed myself to be blind to Max and his fallacies, I knew, that no matter how much Xander’s words stung, he would never delude me. I owed him the same as much as I could offer. “I am always going to love the man I thought he was. I don’t care how much it hurts to hear, it’s the truth. I need you to know that the person I considered him to be, the one he let me see—I am always going to love that man.”

“Even if it isn’t the real Max?” he asked.

I shook my head as I clambered up onto my feet. “Have you considered, if I didn’t know him, then you didn’t either?”

He seemed unperturbed by the remark. “You’re probably right. But I don’t have my whole identity wrapped up in his deception. Like I told you, I refuse to keep his secrets anymore. Not when you deserve the truth.”

“I can’t believe how you’re being right now. I’m going to bed.”

Before I slammed my bedroom door, I heard Xander yell across the condo, “Still worth it.”

Chapter eighteen

“My car wouldn't start this morning.” -Ana after being twenty minutes late to work

Goingtothemallwas never a pleasant experience for me. Without Scarlett as my buffer, I felt especially exposed. While I considered buying my mother’s birthday gift online, I knew she appreciated the little touches that only came from setting foot into a store—taking the time to go through the wares, feel the fabrics, smell the candles—before deciding on a gift.

By the time I had my presents in hand: a set of blown glass earrings and her favorite scented hand cream, my nerves were shot. I decided to treat myself to an overpriced coffee. Waiting for my order to be called, I glanced around. So far, I’d avoided having to make awkward small talk with anyone making this overall, a successful shopping trip. As long as I could make it to my car unscathed.

“Venti americano for Cherry.”

A woman brushed past me, huffing, “It’s Shur-Ree.”

Sherie grabbed her drink and turned toward the condiment bar which unfortunately was directly behind me. I considered taking off, but still had to get my drink and I was certain that leaving would cause more of a scene than staying put. Sherie saw me, a toothy grin breaking across her face.

“Ana? Right?”

I struggled to find words. I was never any good at making small talk with people, and talking to the woman Xander was potentially dating? No way. “Hi Sherie. How are you?”

---