Page 66 of Reckless Liar

He furrowed his brows in thought. “I think Max stole it from Damon Porter’s house during a party.” He glanced at my face before looking away quickly. “I didn’t really ask him. I know he didn’t buy it though.” He chuckled low.

“How old were you?” I asked softly.

“Fifteen, or so. I think. Something like that,” he mused.

I sucked in my breath. I knew Max did things like that, I would’ve been completely blind not to see it, but it still came as a shock finding out these secrets years later.

“He didn’t go down on it?” I asked.

Xander shook his head. “No. After I crashed, we chucked the longboard in the woods and went home. I probably should’ve gone to the hospital, but we didn’t want to explain how I got hurt. The board would’ve been discovered, and Max and I would’ve been in big trouble. Plus, my dad didn’t have the money for medical bills.”

I struggled to find the right words. A sense of loyalty to Max feuded with outrage over the situation. “But Max was the one who stole it.”

He shrugged, “That’s how it worked out. You knew how it was, Ana.” His eyes caught mine, so much never needed to be explained between us. I was right to tell my mom that Xander understood. That kind of magnetism was undeniable. When I was in the center of Max’s life, it was a level of happiness nothing could compare to. But Xander understood the price of that loyalty. Max hurt me, repeatedly, but he hurt Xander too.

“I do,” I murmured.

He leaned down, grabbed his sweatpants off the floor and pulled them on. He kept his back to me, clutching the side of the bed with tight fists.

“Look, I hope I can say this to you without it sounding like some crazy sob story. The thing is, all my life, I’ve played second fiddle to my best friend. Even with him gone, having to fight with both the memory of him and the guilt for wanting what was his.” His back was tense, his head hung down. “More than anything I want my best friend to be alive and I didn’t want to want you this way. I feel guilty, because I realize that without Max around, I might finally get a chance to show you how happy I could make you. It’s enough to break me.”

“So, you felt guilty?” I asked softly.

He turned to me, frowning. “Of course, I felt guilty. That I should be the one who lives when he was such a... big person. The world is a darker place without him around. People loved Max. You loved Max.” He chuckled under his breath, shaking his head. “Do you remember that day we all met?”

I nodded, remembering the way I’d seen them getting chased by that awful boyfriend of Dana’s. I’d never seen an adult act that way in public. On TV I’d see clips of two men fighting before my mother would quickly change the channel. But I’d never seen that level of anger in person, and certainly never seen it focused on kids. “Of course. It’s a hard day to forget.”

He bent his knee and leaned toward me. “The thing is no one had ever tried to defend us like that before.” He shook his head, a wistful smile on his face. “And certainly not someone like you. You wore lacy socks, for God’s sake. Your little hair clippy things always matched your dresses. I can remember it all. You were so different from us. You had a brand-new bike, with wheels so shiny you could see yourself in them. You owned two pairs of rollerblades; your parents threw you pool parties at the private country club. No one like that had ever spent any time with kids like us, let alone risked their pretty white tights to try and protect us from Max’s abusive stepdad.”

“I never saw it that way,” I argued.

“But we did. We knew from the moment we saw you standing in the road, something in all three of our lives irrevocably changed.”

I agreed with him, nodding softly, and gripping his hand. He sighed loudly, looking away from me. “It was my idea to come back for you. Did you know that?”

I stilled, the memory of that day changing before my eyes.

He kept talking, his voice wavering. I knew we were on the edge of something we could never come back from.

“We thought you were right behind us, but when I saw you weren’t I told max we had to go back to check on you. You came toward us and though it was me who wanted to look for you, it was Max who hugged you. It was Max you cried to. In that moment I knew that’s how it was going to be. I knew it’d be Max’s arm around your shoulder as you cried, while I stood there looking like a fool, watching you two and knowing that if anyone deserved a hug, it was me.”

“I never knew,” I whispered.

“It doesn’t matter now. The thing is, I shouldn’t have been surprised. Max was always picked before me in sports. He was the one who made people laugh. The teachers let him get away with turning in assignments late. He had something about him that made things a little easier.” He shook his head at me. “He had you and I never would. For so long I told myself I would not be jealous of a single thing Max had, if only I could have a chance with you.”

I was speechless. How could I argue with this? I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be upset with Xander or happy about his confession.

“Falling in love with your best friend’s girl breaks all sorts of rules. I knew better than to act on it. I was used to Max getting his way and stepping aside so he could get everything he wanted. I lived on his scraps, profiting from the boost in popularity, from the friends he attracted, with the alcohol he scored and the girls who always swarmed around him. I’d tell myself it was enough.”

“But it wasn’t?” I whispered.

“Not without you.” He pushed his hair out of his eyes, looking dejected. His voice was soft. “I will always feel guilty because I’ve always wanted you. I feel guilty because I wanted us to happen for the right reason. I didn’t want you to want me because of Max, or despite Max. I wanted you to want me forme.”

He sighed loudly and roughly scrubbed his face, his facial hair scraping against his calloused hands. “But most of all, I feel guilty because I’m finally getting everything I wanted. I get a chance to try to be with you. I’m guilty because all my waiting around, being second string in Max’s life, was the price I had to pay to be with you. I feel awful, but that doesn’t make me want you any less.”

“If you feel so guilty, why did you pursue me?”

A wistful smile crossed his face. “Max, honestly. I thought about how upset he was when I wanted to date you. He did everything he could to stop it. I wondered if he’d still be upset. But then I thought about what he did when the situation was reversed. Max knew he wanted you and he got you. So, I decided to honor him and take a page out of his playbook. For once, I was going to do what he’d do. I’d go after what I wanted and let everything else be damned.”

---