Page 89 of Reckless Liar

“Troy’s over you, by the way. If you were worried about that. You’ve been replaced.”

I glanced over at Dulcie and Troy standing on the edge of the dance floor, their arms locked around each other. He whispered something in her ear, and she ducked her head into his shoulder to laugh.

“I wasn’t worried. I’m happy for him. Dulcie seems nice. She’s gorgeous, smart, and all that.”

“Yeah, she does. He’s not such a bad guy either, I guess,” he conceded.

“So, you like him now?” I asked, smirking.

“Well, yeah, once he stopped being into you, I liked him plenty.” He frowned at the admission. “I don’t think I could’ve handled being here if you two were still into each other.”

I was struck by the honesty in his response, the way his words offered me a hope I didn’t want to take. I pulled away slightly. “I should go sit down.”

I stepped back and Xander grabbed my wrist softly. “Wait, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. That was creepy.”

“What am I supposed to do with that comment?” I shook my head and tried to pull my wrist out of his grip. “You can’t say that to me. Not anymore. You made the choice to leave and with that you lose the right to comment on my love life. Now let me go, Alexander.”

He dropped his hand and I turned to stalk away from him, toward the beach, kicking my heels off once I got to the sand. Picking up the hem of my dress I walked until I hit the edge of the water where the sand was cool. The thin waxing crescent moon hung brightly in the dark sky, casting light onto the water. I realized I’d left my shawl sitting on the back of my chair and rubbed my arms to warm myself against the wind picking up over the bay. It was much warmer back under the reception tent where heating lamps were strategically placed to warm the late spring night.

I willed myself not to cry. I’d gotten through most of the night without completely ruining my makeup and ruining Scarlett and Emma’s big day. I only had to get through the next hour and then I could leave. I could go back to my childhood room and stare at the old pictures taped to my mirror. I contemplated finding my parents and asking them to take me home early. My mom would if I asked her.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t have said that,” Xander said from behind me. I startled at his voice, glancing over my shoulder at him. “It’s the shots, loosening my tongue, I guess.”

I turned to face him. The lights from the party illuminated the space around him so his face was only a shadow—yellow rays filtered through his light curls in a corona. “I don’t believe that. And I know you don’t believe that. Alcohol doesn’t put fake words in your mouth, they only twist them, but in the end, when you strip it down, it’s the truth.” I stepped toward him, stopping a few feet away. “You told me once that I couldn’t have it both ways. I can’t want you—I can’t ask you to want me and not commit to us. So why are you doing it to me?”

“You’re right. I did say that,” he whispered.

“You’re the one who left me. You’re the one who pushed me away. I told you that I needed time. I know I made mistakes, but in the end, it was you who ended things. It was you who broke us.” My voice cracked. “Broke me.”

“I know I ended things. I know that, but it was only because...” He raised his hand to rub his hair in that familiar gesture I loved. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m scared shitless. I built up this idea of what we’d be in my head, and I had these plans of how it was going to go. About how I’d handle myself once I finally got the chance to try with you.”

“I didn’t want to come tonight, I didn’t want to do any of this,” he continued. “Without you, knowing that I’d see you and you might not want to talk to me, knowing I’d lost you. I was miserable.” He glanced back over his shoulder at the party. “You know, yesterday, at the rehearsal, I got back earlier than I said. I saw you guys walking out to the beach and I couldn’t bring myself to go out there yet. I hung back and watched you.”

“What?” I scoffed. “But you wouldn’t even look at me. Why would you...”

“I couldn’t. Not right away. I knew if I looked at you, you’d see how broken up I was. I didn’t want to look as pathetic as I was feeling. So, I stood back and watched you until Pam started yelling for me. You looked so beautiful. I thought maybe you’d look as miserable as I felt, but you didn’t.”

“Xander... why can’t you see?” I bit back a small cry. “I am miserable.”

He scoffed loudly. “Yeah, right.”

I shook my head. “I thought you said you knew me. What happened to your big talk? How can you not see how utterly devastated your leaving made me?” I stepped closer, dropping my dress in the water. I could feel the wet sand sticking to the hem, dragging heavily against my ankles. I reached out, laying a hand on his arm. His skin felt warm and familiar. When he didn’t pull away, I rubbed my thumb against his downy hair. “Being without you, I am bereft.”

Slowly he brought his eyes up to meet mine. He was so incredibly sad, it made me let out a small sigh. The sound of laughter and late seventies disco music carried over the beach to us. He stepped closer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist. He pulled me tight against his body, my chest crushed to him. His hand spread across my lower back, and he set his chin on the top of my head. I could see the party in full swing, a clump of guests muddling through the cha-cha slide. I could hear a hoot of revelry and felt so far from it. Xander’s hand burned through my dress.

“Can I take you home? Just to talk, I promise.” He asked, his voice so soft I could barely hear it against the waves and the party.

The word ‘home’ rang in my ears I nodded against his chest. He pulled away, looking down at me. I wondered if he was going to kiss me but instead, his hand slid down my arm to take my palm. With damp, sandy hems, we took the long way around the house, bypassing the party.

Chapter thirty-one

“Just one more kiss.” -Ana, to herself after Xander kissed her.

Theentiretenminutesin the truck we didn’t speak. He held my hand, and my favorite radio station was on. When we parked at his condo, he hesitated, turning to me. I could hold his hand, but I couldn’t face him, I couldn’t lean into him. Not yet. I pulled away and walked to the front door, pulling out the key I never gave back. Silently, he followed me into the foyer.

Without me living at the condo for two months I expected a huge mess, dirty dishes littering the floor and garbage on the counters. Instead, the place was clean, with fresh vacuum marks along the hallway. The hook where I always hung my purse was empty, the bowl we kept our keys in had a new flattened penny in it. Xander stood behind me, sliding my sweater off my shoulders, his fingers brushing against my bare skin to rest on my elbows. I knew I could lean back into him and feel his lips against that spot between my neck and shoulder. His hands would be on my hips, and I’d sink against him.

I pulled away, not ready to have his hands on me. I knew if I turned to him in this place where we were always safe to be together that I’d lose my resolve to speak.

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