Page 119 of Heartbeat

“I know what day tomorrow is, Noah,” I finally said, perhaps a tad more aggressively than intended.

He widened his eyes and then broke eye contact, looking down at his feet. I felt awful.

“Look—” I started.

“If you want me to stay with you this time, I will.”

“Noah.”

“It’s fine. Really, it is—”

“Listen,” I said, waiting until he looked at me before continuing. “It’s awesome that you offered. But no.”

“So, you’ll be alone?”

“Who says I’ll be alone? And even if that were the case, so what?”

He glared at me as though wanting nothing more than to tell me to fuck off—and with good reason. But I figured I couldn’t keep acting as though I still had tags on my wrists at all times, so I just pretended not to notice the stare.

“I can be alone, Noah. I will be alone, at some point.”

“I know, but tomorrow—”

“—is the day you’ll spend with Kim. Provided I get to meet her and you give me her number and the address of every place you’ll be going to. But aside from that, it’s what you’ll be doing.”

“Are you sure?”

“Dude,” I warned him.

“Fine,” he said, somewhat vexed. “I don’t know why I offered; you’ll probably be spending the day having wild sex with your boyfriend.”

“Probably,” I said, and it got him to smile.

“Thanks, Thomas.”

“No problem, man.”

He turned around and started to walk out of the kitchen but doubled back. “Tommy?”

“Yes, I’ll give you my credit card. Don’t worry.”

“No,” he said quietly. “That’s not it.”

“What, then?”

“Please, don’t do it again,” he whispered, then quickly turned and exited the kitchen before I could respond.

I leaned back on the counter, looking in the direction he’d gone off to. I finished my beer and took a couple of sips from Ethan’s before grabbing another one from the fridge and going back out to the living room. Ethan was surrounded by Noah, Blake, Jonas, and Summer, gesturing broadly as he spoke as though retelling some amazing occurrence, all eyes resting solely on him. I kept watching them interact, admiring him until we caught each other’s eyes and he smiled, tilting his head and motioning as if to call me to him. I smiled back, but I stayed put.

Sometimes, if I concentrated hard enough, I could take in a moment and catalog it, making sure that memory got filed somewhere safe from the workings of time or fate. This was one of those memories, one of those moments. Whatever anxiety I had in the merging of what sometimes felt like two, often three different worlds, turned out to be misguided. It was a good night, one in which I was capable of prolonging whatever normalcy I was growing used to experiencing whenever I was in his company, while being able to extend its reach to those in my life I’d for so long felt disconnected from, one way or another.

It felt exquisite, having this lovely night of worlds colliding.

The only thing I worried about was this nagging feeling I couldn’t really escape from. It resembled that little voice inside my head whenever things seemed to be going too well, reminding me the universe is made of balance and therefore no true positive could ever be achieved without a negative being put into effect. That voice was the only part of that night that felt less than perfect. But the rest? As I stood in the living room, watching Ethan laughing as he talked to my brother and my friends—old and new—I couldn’t help but wonder if he knew.

Could he tell I loved him?

Chapter Twenty-Two

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