Page 141 of Heartbeat

The Pain You Choose

I remembered standing by the water, watching as the speedboat slowly came into view, growing larger by the second. I remembered how the sheriff had his head down when he walked up to where we were standing, how he took his hat off and sighed deeply before looking up and meeting my gaze. I remembered how Mom collapsed to the ground along with Emma when they heard the news. How Dad tried to fit them both in his arms as all color had gone from his face. I remembered Summer, standing next to them, holding Noah, unable to breathe. How when she turned to me and caught my eyes, her expression changed, for some reason, and she started looking scared. I kept wondering why none of the deputies were doing anything. They were just standing there, watching as my family disappeared—I was so disgusted by it.

I let the blanket that was around me fall to the ground as I made my way to the speedboat. Boarding it, I found Liam on the floor, covered by a black tarp. I sat on my heels and gently removed it, exposing him. He was so pale. His hair was glued to his forehead, and there were leaves and small branches stuck to it as well as to his skin. So I started carefully removing them, one by one. After I was done, I took his hand in mine and squeezed as hard as I could—it was the only attempt I made to try to wake him up. I sat with him until they took him away. I didn’t really know how long that took.

It was still one of my strongest memories. The smell of the dirt, the different shades of green, how yellow and brown the leaves I had removed from his skin were, the lines on the faces of my family as they stood powerless behind me. Everything about that morning was so clear—too clear.

I’d always been able to do it, too—to recall instances and events in extreme detail. It was something I’d been thinking about a lot, lately. The last time I saw him, that last touch. At his funeral, I didn’t dare get too close, and I’d always found it peculiar how everyone in my family was so ready to be next to him then, while he was in a suit, lying in white satin—looking nothing like himself—yet I’d been the only one with him when he was brought up to the surface.

Endings, I supposed. My endings. That was what I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about. About what happened when time moved along, and all that it took with it when it did. Liam, Ethan. I remembered everything about the last time I was with each of them. It was all so vivid. Strange, what time could do. It could break apart, fuse, mend, and keep memories still—all without much warning or interference. Maybe that was why I didn’t shut down. Because I knew it wouldn’t matter. Time would simply keep passing, and there was nothing I could do to stop it—at least not on my own.

And so it did.

I used to wish for time to bend whenever I was around him. To have it slow down when he was with me and move along faster when he wasn’t. For it to stretch, so that moments would be capable of holding entire days within them. It never did, of course, but it felt possible. So much felt possible around him.

Days turned into weeks and months. Before long, school was almost over and Dr. Foster’s friend was finally going to start seeing me. When she told me, I almost texted him—almost.

I barely saw him anymore. He was constantly training or hurrying along somewhere, always with Dean or Lucy at his side, never looking at me. The few times we had caught each other’s eyes, he’d always been the first to look away.

Jonas and Sam had started hanging out. Blake had become friends with Summer and Marcy. Adam and I were always ditching class and going to the fourth-floor bathroom to get high. Everything had changed, though not much did, if that even made any sense.

I was on my way to the library, walking slowly as I reread my favorite chapter of The Wall before finally returning it, when I bumped into someone and almost toppled back.

“Fuck me!” I said, yelling at myself inside my head for being such a fucking loser, while at the same time, I was grabbed by the wrist and pulled back up.

It was then I saw Ethan was the one who had kept me from falling.

“S-sorry,” I said, looking up at him.

He gazed at me for a second before quickly turning serious, letting go of my arm, and taking a step back. I watched as he bent to grab the book that had escaped my grip.

“Sartre, again?” he asked, unfolding some of the pages before handing the book to me.

“Still, actually. I’m returning it,” I said, trying so hard not to stare.

“Just in time.” He managed a faint smile.

The way he looked at me made it so hard for me to focus.

“Congrats on the win, by the way,” I was able to say.

“You heard, huh?”

“I saw,” I corrected him, making him instantly grin. “You were fast.”

“Well—” He tilted his head slightly to the side. “Not as fast as you.”

“You still got that gold medal.”

He moved his hand, almost as if he was about to reach for mine. But he stopped himself, running his fingers through his hair instead. “I told you I would,” he then said quietly.

It was the first time in weeks that we’d exchanged more than three words. It was also the first time I noticed how he still kept looking at my lips as I spoke. And that was it. The moment I decided to tell him I didn’t really care about going back to St. Yve’s for however long it took, if only it meant I got to be with him again.

“Ethan, I—”

“There you are!” Lucy interrupted me, all but jumping in between the two of us. “You said you were going to class,” she said, scolding him.

“I did? I mean, I…I was—am. I am,” he said, still looking at me.

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