Page 143 of Heartbeat

“I can’t answer that, can I?”

“Why not?”

“I’d have to talk about him. And we can’t talk about him,” I reminded her as I let the room be taken by white smoke.

“I’m asking about you, not him.”

“Yes, but…just trust me, I can’t say.”

“Thomas, you’re extremely smart. You can answer my question without us having to discuss him.”

“You’re way smarter than I am, so you can probably gather that whatever plan I had in mind involved your son, and it’s too fucking weird to tell you,” I said, looking away.

“You’d started making plans, then.”

I nodded.

“How did that feel?”

“Doesn’t matter how it felt. It’s not happening,” I told her, mid-puff.

“Why not?”

“I’m pretty sure I gave you a Marlboro, right? Did I mix them up?” I pretended to search my backpack.

“This is your last session, Thomas. There’s no reason for things not to go back to how they were.”

“Going back isn’t an option,” I said, making sure I could do it with as much confidence as I could possibly muster.

“Why not?”

“It’s been months.”

“Yet I don’t think that matters, does it? At least not to you.”

“Why do you say that?”

“You still blush every time we talk about it.”

I couldn’t help but sigh. “See, I can’t have you say those things. You’re his mom.”

“And I would really like to talk to you—as his mom—just as soon as we end our professional relationship.”

“Now, that just terrifies me,” I said, making her laugh.

“Let’s go back to talking about change, then.”

“Awesome.”

“What’s the biggest change you’ve experienced? The biggest one you’ve noticed?”

“Aside from my hair?”

“I…yes.” She humored me.

“I think I—I’m not hiding anymore.”

“From what?”

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