Page 58 of Heartbeat

“Why not?”

“Because,” I said. “Because I’m still the same guy, only different.”

“How so?”

“Liam. And everything that happened after Liam. And…”

“Yes?”

“What’s happening now.”

“Go on.”

I sighed. “For a long time, I thought I’d left myself in that lake. But I didn’t.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“It doesn’t mean it didn’t take something from me,” I said. “It just means that I came out of it…less.”

“Less than what?”

“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “Just less.”

“Tell him that.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because he looks at me, and he still sees the guy I used to be. Which is still here, somewhere, only not exactly the same— See? I’m not making any fucking sense!”

“What do you see when you look at him?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged.

She tilted her head, 100 percent calling my bullshit. “Tell me and you can have a cigarette.”

“No.”

“Okay.”

We stared at each other for a moment, me trying to be chill while Dr. Foster looked excruciatingly pleased with herself.

“Shit.” I reached for my backpack and took out my Marlboro Reds.

She waited for me to light up and take a drag.

“What do you see when you look at him?” she repeated.

“My best friend. And I don’t want to hurt him, but that’s what happens to the people in my life.”

“Are we still talking about Jonas?”

“You know better.”

She smiled smugly, and we sat in a few moment of silence.

“He asked me out,” I said.

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