Page 96 of Heartbeat

“So,” he said. “Ethan.”

“What about him?”

“That’s what I’m asking.”

“Oh, I—I don’t know, man.”

“Yeah, you do.” He looked at me with nothing but empathy, in true Jonas Miller fashion.

“At first, I thought it was nothing, you know? Just some dude who seemed to be bored with himself.”

Jonas said nothing. Again, typically so.

“Then, I thought it was just another mistake,” I continued after taking a moment. “Some regret, waiting to happen. But I…”

I didn’t know why I felt so weird about admitting it. Jonas wasn’t the issue. Neither was Ethan. It was, as it always seemed to be, me. I’d always had the tendency to do things but not necessarily say them out loud—say them to myself, more so than others. Something about not uttering certain words and phrases had always seemed a bit safer, as if not saying them somehow shielded me from whatever result I was afraid of. Utter nonsense, I was aware. But still…a habit.

“It feels good,” I said.

To feel.

“He makes me feel good,” I continued.

“You know, I thought it was just…fun. At first,” Jonas said. “It took me listening to you talk about him for about a minute before I understood.”

“Understood what?”

“That you’re screwed, my friend.”

I laughed. “I know.” I shook my head.

“Are you really going to talk to Marcy?”

“I have to. She knows everyone.”

“That’s going to be—”

“Awkward?”

“Brutal.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “That too.”

“You know, I dated her, so…I do have some insider information.”

“Yeah?”

“When you see her,” he said, looking at me. “I don’t know how angry you still are, but… take it easy on her.”

“I’m not angry at her, Jonas.”

“You’re not?”

“I was never angry. But, c’mon. This is Marcy we’re talking about. She’s the one who’s angry at—”

“—everyone,” we both said at the exact same time.

“I know,” he said, sounding rather resigned.

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