Page 151 of Heartbeat

“Knew what, Ethan?”

“That you were real?” he said, and it sounded more like a confession, a secret he’d never spoken of to anyone. “I knew someday I’d find you, and guess what? I did.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but he raised his hand.

“No, you listen to me, Tom. I did!” he said, with a certainty that was almost scary. “And I don’t know how long we have, but this? This isn’t it; it can’t be. It isn’t enough—you know that. There’s gotta be more than this.”

“I don’t know that I’ll get better. I—I may always be like this.”

“I don’t care!” he yelled, raising both arms up.

“Well, I do!” I yelled back, even though I didn’t mean to. “I care! Do you think I like being like this? The broken guy who can’t cheer up? Who only feels any sort of normalcy when he’s around you?”

“Then be around me!”

“It’s not fair to you!” I said, narrowing my eyes again.

“Fuck fair!” he shouted. “I don’t give a shit about fair. Is this fair? Is this better?”

“I didn’t say it was—”

“I don’t care that you think I can’t handle this. I can. I want to try; why can’t you let me do that?”

“What about after?” I asked.

“After what?”

“When you leave. What then?”

“Who says I’m leaving?” He looked appalled.

“People leave, Ethan. And I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but I fucking suck at handling it.”

“People stay, Thomas,” he said. “I’ll stay.”

I took a step back, shaking my head. “You don’t know that—”

But he took a step forward. “Neither do you!”

“Why are you doing this? Why are you—you were supposed to—”

“I was supposed to what? Get over you?”

“Yes!”

“Well, I can’t!” he shouted, sounding so out of himself. “You don’t think I’ve tried to get you out of my head? To stop looking at you and feel all of this?”

I couldn’t say anything. I kept watching as he put his right hand to his chest as he spoke, just over his heart.

“Look, I know you’re scared, Tom. I know you’ve been through hell, and maybe some of it I had a part in—”

“You didn’t—”

“Doesn’t matter. But this isn’t just about you now. You don’t get to decide something for me. What about me, huh?”

“Ethan, I just—”

“You were sad when we met, but guess what? I was lonely. I’ve been lonely ever since I was a kid, and it never went away; it never got better. Not until you—”

---