Page 50 of Loved to Death

“Mr. Paulson.” Thomas nodded with a smile. “Shen and I should probably go visit the boardwalk to feed before relieving the current watch.”

Thomas knew Shen was confused, but he kept his eyes on Mr. Paulson.

The quartermaster nodded and went to join another conversation while Thomas took the drink out of Shen’s hand and put it on a side table, along with his own.

“Let’s go,” Thomas said, nodding toward the front of the house before walking out with Shen following close behind.

Once they were away from the crowd and on the street, Shen fell in step beside him and said, “I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“I should be happy for you.”

“But you’re not.”

Shen sighed.

When nothing further was said, Thomas put a hand on Shen’s upper arm and pulled him off the street and into a small dark alleyway. He moved Shen to stand in front of him. “Talk to me. Tell me why you’re so unhappy about the captain’s offer.”

Shen faced the ground. “You’d make a great captain.”

“That’s not an answer.” Thomas put both hands on Shen’s face and forced him to make eye contact. “Tell me why you’re unhappy,” he ordered.

“It’s not a simple explanation.”

Thomas’ eyes narrowed at the unusual lack of compliance. “I don’t care if it’s simple or not. I want an explanation. Are you jealous?”

“Jealous?” Shen scoffed. “You should know better than anyone that I would hate the responsibility of being a captain. I find joy in following orders, not giving them.”

Thomas raised one eyebrow at the irony in that statement given in this particular moment.

Shen sighed and moved in to lean his entire body against Thomas, with the side of his head on Thomas’ chest. “The simple answer to the complex explanation is that I’m homesick.”

“Homesick?” Thomas asked, putting his arms around Shen and holding him close. He sensed Shen’s relief and knew he was being earnest, even though Thomas didn’t understand what he meant.

“Not homesick for my family, or even San Francisco specifically. I’m homesick for a home I’ve only dreamed about. A home with you.”

Frowning, Thomas said, “You don’t feel like the ship is home?”

“It’s your home, notourhome.”

Thomas thought back over the past few months, and then over the past few years, and realized Shen had been growing more and more unhappy with time. It had just happened so gradually that he hadn’t taken note of it as unusual. “But it could be our home if I were captain.”

“No.” Shen pulled away and made eye contact. “You and I together make one. I fulfill your needs and you fulfill mine. And in that way, we are equal. But no one else on the ship sees us that way. Not even the captain. To them, I’m beneath you. Socially, economically, and spirituallylessthan you. So it could never beourhome.”

A wave of remorse coursed through Thomas. He leaned down and gently kissed Shen’s lips before whispering, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault they see me that way.”

“Maybe not, but it’s my responsibility to see to your happiness.”

Shen shook his head. “It’s not—”

Thomas cut him off. “You see to my happiness every time you follow my instructions, and you just finished explaining that we’re equals in a way that penetrated my thick skull. So please don’t tell me it’s not my responsibility to see to your happiness.”

Shen slowly nodded.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t notice how unhappy you’d become recently.”

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