Page 57 of The Wrong Sister

“I want out of this bed. I feel stir-crazy, Griff.” She stands up, swaying slightly.

“Meens…” I start, but her look silences me. It burns with a trace of stronger Mina.

“Please, Griff. I need this.”

I take her free hand, letting her set our pace. We walk slowly to the living room. I hand her the remote. “Pick something for us to watch. I’ll get dinner.”

The ramen from Linda and a couple of episodes of Miss Fisher have both of us feeling a little lighter; a little more human. We head back to bed, beyond worn out. I try to kiss her gently good night, but she pushes for more. I pull back, worried about hurting her and she glares at me. It’s the most Mina expression I’ve seen since she was hurt.

“A kiss isn’t going to break me, Griffin!” Her voice softens, cracking with emotion. “I…I don’t want to think anymore. I don’t want to remember. Can we just feel for a little bit?”

My chest aches. She presses her lips to mine again and I don’t hold back this time. I almost wish I had. I feel too much. It’s so much, so fast. I don’t know how to confront the intensity of my emotions. There aren’t any boxes left to check off.

34

mina

I’m awoken by another nightmare and Griffin is already there, holding me. My heart is racing and I feel like I can’t breathe. I can still see the giant hand reaching for me, feel the fingers squeezing my throat. He had been following me, stalking me, chipping away at my feelings of safety and comfort. I’m gasping for breath. My cheeks are wet with tears. Griffin is making soothing noises and rocking me slightly. He holds a warm hand against my chest, helping me to focus on my breathing. When I’m finally calm he gently wipes my cheeks and turns me so I can lean against him without putting pressure on my broken arm or face. He’s incredibly thoughtful and caring. I’m still fucking angry that I need it, though. Furious that I need to be taken care of.

“How do you know how to do that? Bring me back down, I mean.”

He still has his hand flat on my chest, the reminder to breathe deeply and slowly more necessary than I’d like.

“I learned how to help someone struggling with anxiety, back in high school.” That feels vague but I don’t press. If he wanted to say more he would, I can only assume it’s not his story to share. It’s quiet for a while and as I’m beginning to think Griffin has fallen back asleep, he speaks again. “Mina, are you ok? Truly? Before you brush me off and insist you’re fine…this feels like more. I want to help, but I don’t know what to do.”

I think about it. Really think about it. “I don’t know. The nightmares would say I’m scared. I’ve never felt so helpless.” I breathe deeply, swallowing around my bruised throat tissues. “More than that though, I’m embarrassed. And angry.”

“What about?” he asks softly, his breath caressing my cheek. The dark makes me feel less exposed.

“I’ve been doing BJJ since I was a kid. I know better! I shouldn’t have let him get that close to me. I should have been able to take him down easily and get away. Instead, I froze. The first time in my life I’m met with a legitimate personal threat and I stood there, completely unable to move! I’ve always thought of myself as strong and independent, but you had to come to my rescue!” I’m trembling, both from fear and fury. “Seeing you running for me, across that yard, kept me fighting, Griff. I couldn’t breathe. My vision was going spotty. I thought it was already over.” My voice cracks and wobbles. I hadn’t let myself admit the truth before now, had stopped myself from remembering the depth of that terror. “I thought I was dead.” His arm tightens around me. “I truly thought that was it. And then I saw you.” I can’t speak anymore and the tears come again. I think I’ve cried more in the last few days than I have in my entire life. I hate it. Zero stars. Do not recommend. Griffin lets me cry, his presence soothing while the darkness around us blots out some of my shame.

* * *

All week Griffin has been right here, taking care of me. I’ve never been this vulnerable with anyone before. I’ve never needed anyone to take care of me, but I also never would have let them. I didn’t ask him to and he didn’t ask permission. He was simply there. As if it was a given that he would sleep upright in an uncomfortable chair next to my hospital bed; that he would bathe me and help me get dressed; that he would hold me when I woke crying out from nightmares. It’s more than I would have expected from any boyfriend—certainly more than should be expected in such a new relationship. Griff has become a fixture in my life again. It will be a strange adjustment to go back to the way things were. I’m starting to feel desperate for that: the way things were. I’m going stir-crazy in my apartment. I’m tired of feeling weak and needing help with the most basic things. It doesn’t matter though, because I don’t even have a cast yet. I can’t go back to work, I can’t make it through the day without needing to nap, my body still hurts…

None of that addresses the real issue, the thing I’m avoiding thinking about by leaning into my frustration. It’s easier to be angry and restless. My body and my poor decisions already made me more vulnerable than I’ve ever been. I’m terrified to add emotional vulnerability on top of that.

For years now, since I was barely a teenager, I’ve wanted Griffin. He was my ideal guy. I dreamed about his silvery eyes and his sharp features. I fantasized about being held in his strong arms. I thought he was kind. Smart. Steady. But I was only a kid; it was mostly those broad shoulders and his cute face. Even when we reconnected as adults, it was instant lust. All the things I was attracted to as a teenager had been amplified. Adult Griffin is strong and sexy. I didn’t think past that intense physical connection. Things have changed for me and I’m scared—afraid to my very core.

Griffin is principled and reliable. He doesn’t shy away from hard work and he’s always the first to offer tangible help. He’s patient and caring, considerate and intelligent, organized and driven; he’s everything I’d want in a partner and so many things I didn’t even know to want. He’s good to me and I love who he is, as a person. I love…him.

Perfect fucking timing, Mina.I’m a literal, physical mess. I have a lot of work hanging over me. We haven’t been a couple for very long. I’m not good with feelings and have always done everything possible to not open myself up to others. I don’t like people to have power over me. And I’m in love with a guy who never leaps. He weighs all the options, considers all the angles, and thinks everything through before moving forward. Griffin doesn’t take risks. And I’ve shown him, without a shadow of a doubt, what a big fucking risk I am. He’s here taking care of me now, but what if that’s only because he’s too noble to break up with me while I’m hurt? I can’t even allow myself to think about what will happen if he doesn’t return my feelings. I can’t consider it. The very idea is too painful. It will break me in a way far worse than the damage Troy did.

Griffin has already asked me about my mood. The fact that I keep sinking hasn’t gone unnoticed. I don’t know how to handle it. I can hear Griffin moving around my kitchen, making coffee. He’ll be back in here soon, continuing to take care of me, while I’m slowly losing my mind. I reach across my body for my phone. I do know someone that might be able to help me.

Me: SOS

Raff: I’m here. What do you need?

Me: Feelings help!

Raff: Well, you know I have lots of experiences with those fucking things

Me: I’m drowning, Raff. I can’t do anything. I don’t have the energy to go anywhere. Griff hasn’t left my side, taking care of EVERYTHING

Raff: Is his presence pissing you off? Do you need a break from him?

Me: NO!

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