Page 58 of The Wrong Sister

Me: That’s not it at all!

Me: The feelings are the problem—I’m the problem, not your brother

Raff: This is hard without body language. You’re gonna have to lay it all out for me

Me: I have too many feelings and I can’t do anything except feel them! I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m frustrated being here. I’m exhausted. I’m vulnerable. I’m hurting. I’m scared. I’m so fucking angry with myself for getting within that guy’s reach and taking Griffin into that situation. All these feelings are bubbling around in there and I feel like I’m going to explode! And here’s Griffin, taking time off of work, cooking, cleaning, holding me through panic attacks

Me: IT’S ALL TOO MUCH!

Me: what do I do here, Raff? Help me!

Raff: You’re not going to like what I have to say but it has to be said.

My stomach is twisting itself into pretzels. I’d do just about anything to get rid of this.

Raff: You need to feel those things. The problem isn’t that you have all these emotions, it’s that you always push them aside or stuff them down deep. You’re allowed to feel things, Mina.

You NEED to.

Me: I DON’T WANT TO!

Me: You’re supposed to be helping me! I don’t want to feel these things. I want to go back to how things were before.

Raff: You can’t. Deal with it. You’re strong enough. Stop acting like you can’t handle it. Step the fuck up Brookner!

Raff: I can’t know your motivations for sure but I think I know you well enough to make educated guesses. Tell me how far off I am:

Raff: 1) Frustration: you’re a doer. You WANT to be out of your apartment because you want to be at work, helping people, doing something real. You NEED to be resting and dealing with your shit or you won’t be in a position to help anyone.

Me: bullseye

Raff: 2) Hurting: of course, you are! Parts of you are literally broken. Let them heal. That’s going to take time and rest. You can’t skip this part.

Me: that sucks but I’ll allow it

Raff: 3) Vulnerability & Fear: we both know these go hand in hand for you. You survived that attack. Troy is in jail. Don’t let him have any more power over you. I imagine you’re scared to be weak in front of Griffin but have you noticed where he is? RIGHT THERE. He didn’t run. He’s with you, taking care of you because he wants to be. Let him. Don’t take this from him, he cares with his actions.

Me: I hate you

Me: (no I don’t you beautiful bearded unicorn of a man)

Raff: 4) Anger: hello old friend. Anger is your default. It’s safe. It’s easy to be angry with yourself. That’s fine as long as it fuels change. All you can do is commit to doing better next time. It’s done and over with. You’re not accomplishing anything by raking yourself over the coals. You made a mistake. Everyone does.

Raff: Is that really it? Is that the crux of your issues?

Me: no

I sit, hands trembling, thinking about what he has said and what I left unsaid. Fuck it. I’m not weak.

Me: I love him

Raff: oh shit

That about sums it up.

35

griffin

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