Page 50 of Loving Carter

“It surprised me, that’s all,” he says, walking over to the table and testing the legs for stability.

“We were kissing, which he could see. Obviously, he and everyone else here knows,” I say, moving closer. “Does that upset you?”

He sighs, and the sadness in the sound rattles me. Everything was perfect just a few moments ago.

“I wasn’t thinking, and I should have been. You know I still plan to leave, right? What happens to you once I’m gone?” he asks.

“I’ll be fine,” I say, hoping that’s the way it turns out. I’ve known all along that he’s leaving. Okay, I don’t think about it, but yes, I’ve known.

He shakes his head and walks over to stand directly in front of me. “I worry about you. I don’t know specifically what I’m going to do yet, and I’ll let you know if I make any decisions.”

“Please do. Let me know the second you decide,” I say.

I’m trying to be mature and adult about this, but I’m thankful when Carter is called over to help with one of the other booths. I need some time to think things over.

Around me, I hear the chatter from the other people building booths, but all I can think about is that Carter is going to leave. This isn’t news to me. I’ve known all along that he’s going to leave. I just thought...

I’m not even sure what I thought. I didn’t think he’d forget about his plan for his life simply because we’ve kissed a few times. I knew from the start that this wouldn’t last forever. But I did think we’d have more time.

Because I want more time. I want time to be with him and explore what’s happening between us. I feel more alive now than I’ve ever felt before. Every time I see him, my heart beats faster, I catch my breath, and my skin tingles with awareness. Maybe I’ve always been attracted to him and was just too blind to see it. I don’t know.

What I do know is that he’s come to mean so much to me. It goes beyond simply wanting someone. It’s deeper than that. I feel alive when I’m with him.

If I’m honest, I think I’m in love with him, really in love with him. Not like a friend. No. This love is much deeper and different.

This knowledge makes me feel unbelievably sad. For the past few weeks, things have been going well, but now, I once again feel like a failure. It feels like this relationship with Carter is my worst failure yet because I know it will haunt me for a long, long time.

But maybe I shouldn’t look at it as a failure. I went into this relationship...Is it a relationship? Well, whatever it is, I went into it with my eyes open. I haven’t failed, and nothing has changed. I knew he wasn’t staying in Endearing from the start. I have nothing to be upset about.

So why do I feel like I just jumped out of a plane with no parachute?

Chapter Eight

Skylar

This barbecue at theranch should be interesting. Tillie Warren called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to come. She also had me ask Janie. I didn’t think Janie would want to come because she never has before, but I overlooked the Kellan appeal. Janie jumped at the chance.

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