Page 102 of My Infatuation with Isabella

Laughter rolls out of Bella. “Did you crack?”

“I fucking cracked! I almost fell over. So, I became the first loser of that game. After that, it just became a thing we did...even when she wasn’t around. She didn’t want us to be sad, but we couldn’t be happy without her...so we somehow evolved into this weirdly dysfunctional family that constantly tries not to show emotions.”

She watches me for a moment as I add in the heavy cream. “Do you...do you still feel guilty about being happy?”

“All the time, especially because she went through so much and I don’t know if she’ll ever fully recover. My parents keep telling me to stop blaming myself...but it is my fault. I shouldn’t have left her alone. It’s an overwhelming feeling, and it was even worse when we were younger.”

“I experienced the effects of emotional hangover week firsthand,” she quips. “Trust me, I know.”

I shake my head. “Nah, you reallydon’tknow how badly I wanted to escape it. That’s why I tried so hard to preserve the air pocket. I find it easier to deal with things when I compartmentalize my feelings. I didn’t want you to see me differently, and I didn’t want all that guilt and pain to spill over into what we had. I wanted to keep our relationship clean and untainted. Being with you was a space where I could be a different version of myself, me without the tragedy. That was my tiny slice of normal...and I loved it.” I let out a heavy breath, meeting her eyes for the first time. “But I was selfish, and I ended up hurting you...losing you. I can never forgive myself for that.”

She tugs my arm to pull me in front of her, then wraps her arms and legs around me to hug me tight. “If it’s any consolation, I also played a verytinyrole in us breaking up.”

I smile against her skin. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” She holds me for a long while before she allows me to step back. “Look at us. Communicating like some bad-ass bitches! Dr. Burkman would be proud.”

Our last few sessions of therapy were a lot of introspection. Dr. Burkman saw very quickly how the dynamic had changed and decided to give us useful tips on how to communicate better because she thought it was something we would need in the long term. She taught us how to identify our triggers and how to recognize the reactions those triggers create so that we can control them before our fights get volatile. She ended our last session by telling us that the therapy didn’tfixus or our problems. It only served to highlight and air out our issues. The hard work was still to come, and if we want to have a better relationship this time, we need to be willing to do the work.

“It felt weird not seeing her today, didn’t it?” I say with a chuckle.

“I gotta say, not getting in my weekly quota of bad jokes makes me feel like something is missing from my life.”

We talk as I finish off dinner, and I like how domesticated and ordinary this all feels. The conversation as we eat is much lighter because she gushes about how amazing the food is and how it has just the right amount of spice. We talk about the most random things, and I find out that she’s afraid of pigeons. Apparently, the sounds they make freak her out. I help her wash up, and after she packs away the last plate, she turns to give me an apologetic look.

“I’m sorry, but I have to kick you out now. I need to get to bed.”

My eyebrows scrunch together, and I glance at the time on the microwave. “It’s eight-thirty.”

“Some of us start work at four in the morning.”

“Okay.” I start heading down the hallway because I assume her bedroom is at the end of it and text Pete to tell him that I’m not coming back to the house tonight.

Bella follows behind me. “Where are you going? The door’s the other way.”

“It’s date four, remember? The terms of engagement state that I get access to your bed.”

She cuts in front of me, stopping right at the entrance of her bedroom. She flicks on the light switch, then crosses her arms, and tilts her chin up to look at me. “And what exactly do you plan to do in my bed, De Lorenzo? Because I have to admit, I’ve been rather disappointed with these terms so far.” She lets out a little huff, and I hold back a smile at how annoyed she is. “For date two, you said you wanted an hour with my mouth and all you did was kiss me for thefullhour.”

I shove my phone into my back pocket, then raise my arms and grip the edge of the doorframe. “That’s because I love kissing you.”

“Then on date three, you said you’d get my hands. I had prepared myself for some dick-rubbing, but no. You took me to the beach, and all we did washold hands. Like a couple of fricken eighth-graders at a school dance.” The exasperation in her tone makes me laugh. “Now you’re standing here in that sexy stance, getting me all flustered because you look...sohot and the way you’re looking atmemakes me feel like I may just spontaneously combust. Honestly...I could use an orgasm right about now.”

“That’s why I got youDyldo.”

“That is not the same as allthis.” She runs both hands down my torso until it reaches my jeans, then shakes her head as if trying to make peace with the fact that nothing’s going to happen. “So, let’s manage some expectations here and you can tell me exactly what you’re going to do in my bed tonight.”

Another laugh pops out of me. “Nothing. We’re just gonna cuddle.Allnight.”

“Ugh!” She scoffs. “I knew it. Any particular reason why you’re being noble all of a sudden when you didn’t seem to care about my celibacy a couple months ago?”

“I have three reasons, actually.”

She impatiently thrums her fingers on her arm. “I’m waiting.”

“Well, firstly, you’ve accused me of using you for a good time on a few occasions, and I want you to see that I’m not just here for the crazy adventures and the wild sex and the fun stuff. I’m here for the sixteen grueling sessions of anger management therapy. And I’m here for the vegan hot dogs at the fountain and long walks on the beach. I’m here for the quiet dinners and going to bed at eight-fucking-thirty. I’m here for all the boring stuff, too. And understand, I’m doing all of this without even a handjob at the end of it, so that’sreallyboring...and I am here forallof it.”

She drops her forehead onto my chest. When she looks up at me again, she lets out an irritable sigh, but I see how the concealed smile causes her lips to twitch. “You’re making it so hard for me to not fall for you again.”

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