Page 11 of My Infatuation with Isabella

“That’s because youcan’tprove it.”

I just want this conversation to end, so with an annoyed breath, I give him what he’s asking for. “I love Fran, and she’s the woman I want to marry.”

He smirks as if I proved his point, not mine. “That’s not the same thing...and you know it. Dyl, we’ve been your friend for years, and you may hide things and tell us a lot of half-truths, but there are certain things you can’t lie to us about. I think you’re forgetting that we’ve seen you laid-out, pussy-whipped, off-the-charts in love...and you don’t have that with Fran.”

If there was one way to get me to go from zero to sixty in a single second, that would be it. The fastest way to make me lose my cool is to bring her up. “You’re fucking right, I don’t,” I bite out, heat searing beneath my skin. “Don’tevercompare Fran to Bella because they arenotthe same. Isabella was just a fling, a fling that lasted ten months too long. Fran is sweet and kind and level-headed and?”

“Safe,” Scott fills in.

“And what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with wanting to be with someone I can trust, someone who won’t betray me, someone who’s not gonna go level eight crazy on me and fuck another dude!”

My voice cracks at the end of that sentence because I still feel the pain and betrayal as if it happened yesterday. She ripped my heart out, and sometimes I feel like I haven’t fully recovered from that. Two years. It took almost two years to stop torturing myself with that video. I kept watching her disappear into that room over and over again. Picturing her lips on his – those lips that were supposed to be mine. I drove myself insane imagining everything that happened in that room. She was my first, and it gutted me to know that intimate moments I had only ever shared with her, she had shared with someone else.

Sometimes I wish I had just seen it. For weeks, months, I’d just sit up in my room, pressing play repeatedly, hoping that video would go a few seconds further the next time I watched it so I could know withcertaintywhat the fuck she did with him. I wish the whole damn thing was caught on camera because leaving it up to my imagination was so much worse. All I could think about was his hands running up her thighs, his mouth on hers, his body on top of her. She was supposed to bemine.

And I know I messed up. I pushed her away one too many times, kept too many secrets. I was selfish and inconsiderate. During those three weeks, I was only thinking about one girl, and it wasn’t Bella. She had every right to be mad. But mad and level eight crazy are two completely different things. I deserved the former, complete with arguments and rants and cussing, but I sure as fuck didn’t deserve the latter.

I thought we were more than that. I thought we were up on a pedestal so high that the low level she sunk to just to get back at me didn’t fit at all. I say it to myself and other people all the time. She was just a fling...but she wasn’t. She was my air pocket, the ray of light during the darkest time of my life. I gave her my heart, my soul, everything I had to give. I put myallinto what we had, and I thought she’d treat that with more care.

After she ended it, I tried to push my crumpled feelings aside and be strong for my sister. She needed me. Our family had to band together because the chaos that unfurled in our lives was too much for any one of us to deal with on our own. But even while dealing with cops and lawyers and doctors, I still couldn’t stop thinking about Isabella. And the pain was always there, lingering like a dark cloud at the back of my mind, coming back to haunt me. Even now. I’m happy now. I’ve moved past all that. I’m with an amazing woman and we have an incredible life together, yet it just takes one comment and all that shit from the past resurfaces.

Maybe I was so focused on my sister at the time that I didn’t give myself the space to process and deal with it properly, but I still feel this suffocating tightness in my chest every time I think about her. She had this effervescent energy that crept in and fused itself with the very fibers of my being. When she left, she sucked that energy out of my life, so it always feels like something is missing. She took a piece of me that I can never get back.

I’m glad the gym is empty because the attack came out louder than I intended. The two people running on the treadmill on the other side turn to look in our direction, so I lower my voice when I speak again. “You know what happens when you fall for a girl who lights a fire in your soul, Scott? You get burned.”

“So you’ll settle for someone where there’s no spark at all?”

This is getting heated, tensions are rising and Scott better back off before I lose my temper. “Who the fuck said I’m settling? Who said there’s no spark between Fran and me? You don’t knowanythingabout my relationship!”

“Only what I see, Dyl.” He swipes the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. “You know I love math, right? So, let me ask you a math question. If I give you a hat with five balls in it, statistically, what are the chances of you choosing any one of those balls?”

“Twenty percent,” I reply.

“Okay, so if I give you a hat with only one ball in it, what’s the chances of you choosing thatoneball?”

I hide my irritation and answer the question. “A hundred percent.”

“Correct. But the question that has to be asked is, are you really choosing if there’s only one ball?”

“You’re speaking in riddles. What exactly are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying you’resettling! I’m saying the chances of you choosing Fran is a hundred percent because there is no alternative.”

I grit my teeth, my retort coming out sharp and jagged. “There’s no alternative because Francesca is theonlywoman I want to be with.”

“Dyl, please listen to me. This is a mistake. I think you’re too young. I think you’re rushing into this. And I think you’re doing it for all the wrong reasons. If you don’t believe me, just ask Pete.”

Both of our eyes zone in on Peter and he crosses his arms, looking from Scott to me to Scott again. “I...uh...I think Dylan is very capable of making his own decisions, and if Fran is the woman he wants to be with, then we should be happy for him.”

“Thank you,” I say to Peter, but my eyes never leave Scott.

Scott sneers and shakes his head. “You know, Pete, ever since we were kids, you’ve always been that guy. Even if you can’t stand a chick, you’ll still give a thumbs up to the relationship because you don’t want to cause waves. But you can’t be that guy today. Today, you need to say something. Cause waves because this is serious. He’s gettingmarried. This is a major life decision.”

“I’ve learned the hard way that where you two are involved, I should just go along with whatever you guys want when it comes to women.” Peter gives a nonchalant shrug before his eyes move to Scott. “When I wasn’t happy about your secret relationship with Cat, you were gonna cut me out of your life.” His focus shifts to me. “And when I tried to warn you about Isabella, you were ready to punch me in the face. So, now I don’t say anything because I don’t need to deal with that type of shit overwomen. You guys do whatever you wanna do, and I’ll be happy for both of you no matter what you decide. I live by the simple philosophy of bros before hos.”

That statement instantly pisses Scott off. “The fuck you just say?”

“Did you just call them hos?”

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