Page 28 of My Infatuation with Isabella

“Exactly. And that guy had a dick on him. Plus, he was so good with kids. He was the whole package.”

“Why did you break up with him?”

“He didn’t like my relationship with you, and hehatedthe fact that you were my first.”

“I didn’t finish, so it doesn’t count.”

“He didn’t see it like that, and he just didn’t understand our dynamic. And that’s one of the many reasons why none of them are likeDylan. He just got me. I haven’t been able to connect with another guy the way I did with him. Maybe I’m just romanticizing it in my head, making what we had more than what it was. I mean, deep down I know his heart always belonged to Fran, so I know that everything I felt was one-sided...but I stillfeltit. And it was strong and powerful and not something I’ve ever felt for anyone else. I just wish it’d been real. I wish...I wish he could’ve felt the same way about me.” My voice is starting to give away my emotions. My throat squeezes tighter because the weight of the pain is crushing down on my chest. “Fuck, I miss him, Tom. I don’t think about him all the time. Months go by, and he doesn’t even cross my mind...but then one day, out of the blue, he just pops up in a conversation like this, and I realize how much I miss him. I’m hoping it goes away someday, but I think he's always going to have a piece of me.”

“This piece?” Tommy reaches over to touch the tattoo on my neck. “I can’t believe you would get a tattoo that symbolizes yourexon your body. That was so stupid, IzzyB. It’spermanent...and then you put it on your neck where everyone can see it.”

“This was his favorite spot,” I say softly as I reminisce about the hundreds of times he tucked my hair behind my ear. “And this spot is always going to behis.”

“And what happens when you finally meet someone and fall in love? How are you going to explain that you have the King of Hearts on your neck?”

“If I meet someone and I love him so much that I give himallof me – heart, body, and soul – I’ll tattoo another heart over the K, then it will just look like a trail of hearts. Simple. But until I find my perfect guy, this spot will belong to Dylan.” I spin my chair around again, staring at the light on the ceiling. “And I will find him. He’s out there somewhere, frantically searching for me, and I’m ready to give up the ho life and wait for Mr. Right. It will be like emotional blackjack. I can feel it now, Tom. Lucky number twenty-one is going to be the guy I marry.”

He sits forward again, his eyebrows drawing together. “Diego was number twenty-one.”

I shake my head. “No, Diego was twenty. I’ve only been with three guys since high school. Jonathan, Antonio, and Diego. Dylan was number seventeen. Do the math.”

His eyes narrow with a mixture of confusion and vexation. “And where does Bradley fit into all this?”

I want to slap myself. For reasons beyond me, Tom has always been meticulous about keeping track of my sexual partners. Knowing this, I should’ve been more careful. I’ve always been totally honest with Tommy...except for thatonetime. I let him believe that I’d slept with Bradley because if he knew the truth, he would’ve told Dylan. And if Dylan knew the truth, he would’ve tried to work it out, and I was such a sap for him that I would’ve eventually believed his lies and forgiven him for what he did. But years have gone by now and none of it matters anymore, so I decide to confess the truth.

“I never slept with Bradley Kemp. I was so stupidly in love with Dylan at the time. Do you honestly think I would even let another guy touch me?”

He’s livid now. “Izzy, why would you lie about something like that?”

“I didn’t lie. Charlotte lied. She started spreading rumors that I slept with him, and everyone believed her because I had a reputation, so they judged me without even asking any questions. You and Dylan were the only two who didn’t believe the rumors.”

“So, you lied tous?”

“I didn’t lie! I just...sort of...twisted the truth a bit.”

He’s so angry that he stands up and walks to the other side of the room. “So, what really happened, then?”

“One of Bradley’s friends wasverydrunk, and he kept touching me and asking me to dance, trying to get me to drink even though I told him I didn’t want any. Lana was wasted and didn’t want to leave. She was drinking body shots off me, and his friend started making very inappropriate comments. Brad saw how uncomfortable I was, so he asked me if I wanted to go into one of the bedrooms and wait there until Lana was ready to go home. We only went in there to get away from his friend, and we ended up talking about movies for three hours...and Charlotte conveniently filmed the part of me walking into the bedroom with him, even though she heard our entire conversation.”

Rage flares in Tommy’s sea-green eyes. “That’s it? You didn’t even kiss him?”

“No!”

“So, why did you just go along with the rumors?”

I shrug because it’s only now, as an adult, that I can see how childish and immature my actions were. “I was hurt, and...I wanted to hurt him too, so when that video started circulating, I sent it to him, hoping that if he saw it...maybe he’d come back to me...but Fran is the one he wanted to be with. I didn’t even cross his mind forthreeweeks, Tommy. You know, everyone thought Dylan and I were so in love.Iwas the only one in love. Dylan loved how I made him feel, so he would’ve tried to hold on to that. He would’ve tried to make it work because he wanted me as an escape, but you can’t have a relationship like that. It wasn’t even a relationship. As I always tell you, Jada Pinkett described it best. It was just...an entanglement.”

“Why’re you doing a drive-by at Jada? What did she ever do to you? You just keep her name out yo’ fucking mouth!”

I laugh, feeling momentary relief from the pain in my chest. “I generally do...but only for the month of August.” That’s as long as the relief lasts because the ache returns then, and I feel very much like Chris Rock when Will Smith slapped the shit out of him. “But, yeah...it needed to end, so I let him believe the rumors because that was the only way he would’ve let it be. Besides, it all worked out. He’s better off with Francesca...and I think he knew that all along. That’s why he ended up marrying her. I mean, just look at what would’ve happened if he stayed with me. I’m flakey. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I just can’t get it together. Fran is probably a vet now, and I’m working evenings atBowled Overjust to make ends meet. I don’tevenmake ends meet because I’m still living with myparents.”

God, I’m such a sap for this guy because it’s six years later and just talking about this makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep. I have no idea why it still hurts so much.

Maybe it’s because I trusted him, and I thought he wouldn’t hurt me.

He did.

Maybe it’s because I believed so much of his bullshit, and I thought he genuinely cared about me.

---