Page 4 of My Infatuation with Isabella

“And you wanted normal so bad because of me.”

“Not because of you. It wasneverbecause of you. That asshole fucked up our whole family. I tried to escape it, but I went about it all wrong. I’m the one who keeps messing up, so I don’t want you to feel obligated to help me out of this situation. If you don’t want her to know, then I’ll find another way to fix this, but whatever choice you make, I’ll respect your decision.”

She mulls it over before giving me an uncertain smile. “Can I meet her first? I need to see if she’s someone...I can trust to know all this stuff about me. You’ve already told her quite a bit of the bad stuff, and I don’t want my trauma to be the only thing she knows about me. I’m more than just that one awful time in my life. After she gets to know me a little better, and she can see that I’m okay now and I’m not...a lunatic, and I can see that she’s someone I can trust, I’ll decide...if that’s okay with you.”

This is a catch twenty-two for me. Bella probably won’t agree to anything until I tell her the truth, and I can’t tell her the truth until she agrees to this. But this is what my sister wants, so I have to find a way to make it work.

“Okay.”

“It’s just...I want to get to know her and like her without judging her for hurting you, and I want her to get to know me and like me without judging me for my past. I don’t want her to pity me.”

“You don’t have to explain your reasons to me, but...I just want you to know that I think you may be a little over-reliant on your personality. I don’t think she’s gonna like you either way. I don’t even like you.”

She doesn’t flinch. “Dude, if she could fall in love with your lame ass, then her standards are exceptionally low. I don’t even understand how she stayed with you for ten months in the first place.”

I ruffle her hair, then lightly shove her shoulder. “I have that bad boy charm that she finds irresistible.” A loud laugh bursts out of her and I do a dab to solidify my victory. “Yes! That’s another win for me.”

When the doctors finally allowed Dana to come home, she took the lead in our game, so I’m very vocal about my wins.

“It wasn’t even funny,” she says. “I only laughed because of how ridiculous that entire statement was.”

“I still win.”

“Yeah, well, I’m still in the lead.”

She sticks her tongue out at me before she stands up, dusts herself off, then takes out a pack of cigarettes from her jacket pocket. I hate the habit, but I say nothing about it. It’s better than drugs, and she says it helps take the edge off. I can understand that because I use my punching bag for the same reason.

She knows I can’t stand the smell, so she moves a few feet away before she lights up. “So, are you going to tell Fran about all this?” she asks, blowing out a puff of smoke.

“No,” I reply, shaking my head. “I don’t understand why everyone keeps asking me that, like I’m just supposed to sit her down one day and say:Hey, Fran. I slept with another woman. I know that kinda makes it seem like our five-year relationship means nothing to me, but...no hard feelings, right?”

“If I were her, I’d wanna know.”

“No, Fran doesn’t need to know anything. Besides, we’re in a good space now. She just started talking to me again, and everything is still kinda fragile, so I don’t want to say or do anything that’s going to hurt her. If I tell her about Isabella...it’ll crush her. I’m just going to see how everything plays out, and if I need to tell her, I will. Bella is adamant that she never wants to see me again after our last session, and if that ends up being the case, then telling Fran is just going to hurt her unnecessarily...and I’ve hurt her so much already.”

Dana exhales another puff. “You know, for a guy who is the furthest thing from a player, you certainly go around breaking a lot of hearts.”

“Tell me about it. Maybe love just isn’t in the cards for me.”

“Well, let’s be honest. You have a lot working against you. I mean, you have the personality of a dead locust.”

My face scrunches at the absurdity of her statement. “That doesn’t even make any sense. What kind of personality does a dead locust have?”

“None. It’s dead! The fact that I had to explain that to you shows that you’re not smart either. And if you’re lacking in brains and personality, you should at least be good-looking, but guess what?”

“I’m not.”

“You’renot. I don’t know what to tell you, bro, but if you want to find love, you’re going to have to be...someone else.”

“Have I ever told you that you are thebestlittle sister? You’re so kind and supportive and you always know just how to pick me up when I’m down.”

“I’m the best?”

“I hate to break this up,” mom interrupts from behind us, “but the lunch crowd is coming in, and we need all hands on deck.”

“Sure thing, mom.” Dana stamps out her cigarette, then goes back inside.

I follow my sister, but my mother grabs my elbow before I walk in.

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