Page 52 of My Infatuation with Isabella

“It’s going to cost me a fortune. The damage was extensive. How is he with mind alterations? I may also need him to eradicate the images of your flapping dong. It’s what made me fall in love with you in the first place.”

“Can we talk about this fantasy of yours?” I chuckle, resting my forearms on the counter to lower myself to her eye level. “I find it quite disturbing. I don’t understand why it’s flapping. And why am I running?”

“It’s metaphorical,” she replies, trying to suppress a laugh. “It symbolizes you running through my mind.”

“Mm-hm, and am I running on the beach or something? Is it like a scene from Baywatch?”

“Let’s not get carried away. You’re not Baywatch material, and even if you were, you’re on a Zac Efron level at best. You don’t come close to the Hoff.”

“The same Hoff who acted in Sponge Bob Square Pants?”

“No need to be facetious. You don’t even come close tothatHoff.”

I don’t know how she lured me into a lighthearted conversation like this when I’m still so angry, but she has this magnetic pull that draws me in every time. Maybe I was easily lured because I’m enjoying this. I miss talking to her so much. It’s weird. The longer I talk to her, the angrier I’m becoming. I don’t even know if it’s really anger or if I’m just frustrated with how things turned out. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wanted a lifetime with her, and our paths converged for a meager ten months. It wasn’t enough for me, and it’s bugging me that it ended when it didn’t have to. I didn’t want to ever bring this up again, especially not now, but I can’t seem to contain my frustration.

“Why did you lie to me?” I whisper, and the disappointment in my voice reinstates the awkwardness that was lingering between us just a few minutes ago. “I trusted you, Bella.”

She makes a sound that is somewhere between a scoff and a laugh. “Trust is a very bold word when you had no intention of sharing any part of your personal life with me. It’s even bolder to use that word when you consider howyoubetrayedme.”

Based on all the secrets I kept from her, I guess I can understand her doubting me, but I was never unfaithful and lying wasn’t the solution to that problem. “You should’ve?”

“Just let it rest, De Lorenzo. You’ve moved on, and you’re happy with the woman you’ve always loved. There’s no point in lamenting over the past. What’s done is done. We just move forward. You stay out of my life, I’ll stay out of yours, and we can both put this whole ordeal behind us.”

She’s right. I know she’s right, but thisordealis nowhere near resolved, and it isn’t sitting well inside me. All these issues are just hanging, and it feels unfinished.Wefeel unfinished. Again, I have to remind myself that there is nowebecause we are...finished.

“Yeah,” I concede with a small nod. “The past needs to stay in the past.”

“Good...because I need that.” The smile that curves on her lips shows her sadness, but she tries to cover it up. “It’s like Allan Poe once said?”

“It’sEdgarAllan Poe and please don’t complete that sentence.”

“One has no choice but to forge ahead on a path that leads to the future when all the past holds is the memory of a poor man’s Hoff.”

“Well, that hurt.” I laugh, and my surprise at the comment gets another giggle out of her. “A poor man’s Hoff? I think?”

“Don’t be mad,” Fran says, stepping up beside me to drop several packets of coffee beans and granules on the counter. “We’ve already established that my lack of willpower is a problem.”

“Geez, Franny.” I straighten to make space for everything. “Are we buying the whole store?”

“Tommy is a very persuasive salesman.”

“I have a gift,” he says with a shrug when I give an unimpressed look.

Bella doesn’t say anything. She quietly scans the coffee and packs it into a bag. I pay, then just sort of linger there after she hands me the receipt. My feet are reluctant to move because I know this is going to be the last time I see her, and part of me is clinging to this moment, refusing to let go.

I meet her topaz eyes and somehow my brain tries to commit every little detail of her face to memory while at the same time trying to erase every image of her from my mind. Fran tugs my arm, and that’s my cue to say goodbye.

“Uh...good luck with your new radio show.” I look from her to Tommy to her again. “I know you guys are going to be great.”

Tommy shakes my hand, but she just mutters a soft thank you. I walk to the glass door and open it for Fran and Helen to step out. I’m still aren’t ready to leave because I stay at the door for a couple seconds even though the two women have already walked a few feet down the sidewalk.

I step outside and as the glass door closes behind me; I turn back for one last look. She smiles, then presses two fingers to her lips to blow me a kiss. It isn’t a taunt. It isn’t a power play. It’s just a sweet, simple goodbye, yet it rips me open inside. Our entire past is condensed into that one small gesture, and seeing it in the present makes me realize that I have never and will never love anyone the way I loved her.

* * * * *

GRIPPING ONTO THE EDGEof the vanity in the bathroom, I inhale deeply and exhale slowly. I’m so edgy. After I left the coffee shop, I went back to the restaurant and could barely focus on anything. When I got home, I had a full hour with the bag, but I still couldn’t work off all this restlessness building inside me. I want something, but I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is.

I don’t know if I want my head to stop racing with all the flashing images of her. I don’t know if I want her husky voice to stop ringing in my ears. I don’t know if I just want to get her out of my system. Touch her one more time. Kiss her one more time. Fuck her one more time. I don’t know what it is I want, but not being able to have it is driving me insane.

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