Page 74 of My Infatuation with Isabella

“Scott! I thought he told you. He rubbed it in my face so much I thought he went around telling the whole goddamn world.”

“Why would Scott tell me that? We have a pact.”

I stop pacing and turn to look at her. “I just want to put it out there. This pact of yours is ruining lives.” I resume pacing then stop again. “Actually, I did tell you. You asked me about Fran in your hotel room and?”

Her eyes widen. “And you said she was a victim of thezombie apocalypse! If you expect me to know what that means, you are sorely mistaken.”

How is that not obvious? “What else could it mean considering I stripped you naked ten seconds later...and youletme. I thought that meant we were on the same page. Plus, I told you I love you. How do you misinterpretthat? And what about the fact that I don’t wear a wedding ring?”

“I thought...I thought you take it off when?”

“Don’t,” I warn, gritting my teeth to get my temper under control. “Don’t finish that sentence.”

“Dylan, please sit down,” Dr. Burkman interjects, and she waits for me to do so. “We’re getting sidetracked playing the blame game. Let’s resume the session, shall we? You said it got very ugly with Fran. What do you mean?”

“I mean I was a dick to her, Doc.” I thump my fist on the armrest because I’m still angry with myself. “She suggested date nights and weekend getaways for us to reconnect and I just...wasn’t interested. And it wasn’t just because of my unresolved feelings for Bella. Fran is pushy. If she wants something done within a specific time frame, then she wants itdone. So, we found out that I can’t have kids...and the next week, she’s already telling me how to change my diet and researching treatment options. I told her I didn’t want to start taking meds. I’m a healthy guy. I don’t just put anything into my body, and I didn’t wanna start taking all these hormonal drugs like Clomid and Letrozole and all that other stuff she was talking about without fully understanding the side effects. I may have a low sperm count but everything...works. I didn’t want to start taking stuff and risk messing up something else, but she just could not accept that decision.”

Dr. Burkman must hear the frustration in my voice because she gives an understanding nod. “So, she kept pushing?”

“Of course, she did. Eventually, I told her that we needed to accept the hand we were dealt and two weeks later, she’s calling adoption agencies and looking for sperm donors...and I was, like, fuck, can I just get a minute? This shit is a lot to process. It wasn’t just about not having kids. I still had trauma and paranoia to work through before I even considered taking on that responsibility.” I run my hands over my face because I still feel the crushing pressure. “I was getting more and more frustrated and the things I used to love about her, like her ruthless determination and drive, those things really started to bother me. You know, Doc, Fran and I started dating again after a very chaotic time in my life. I was craving some sense of stability and she gave me that. At the time Ilovedthat about her, but...there’s only so much rigidness I can operate within. It became a lot to deal with. She was so overbearing, and I just...I didn’t want to be around her anymore. If there’s one way to kill a man’s sex drive, that would be it. It got to a point where I didn’t...want to do it, and it felt like because sexwasn’tgoing to lead to a baby...she didn’t want to do it, either...which made no sense because we agreed that we weren’t ready to have kids atthatpoint.”

Dr. Burkman scribbles something down, then looks at me again. “Did you communicate your frustration?”

“Yeah. The more I told her to back off, the more she insisted that wehaveto plan because, you know, it’s a long process to adopt a kid, and we can’t just wait a year. It was too much to ask for just a bit of time for me to...come to terms with this condition and figure out whatIwanted to do.” I sneer, shaking my head. “I started working late, going out with Scott and Peter every chance I got. We were fighting a lot, arguing over every little thing. It became...hostile...and exhausting. Then Christmas 2025 rolls around, and God forbid, Ieverhave a good Christmas...”

“I do see a consistent pattern,” Dr. Burkman says somewhat playfully.

“Very consistent,” I reply with a chuckle. “Anyway, we’re having lunch with my family, and my sister makes a comment – I can’t even remember. Now, understand Dana is always a ticking time-bomb at that time of year, so the comment was a little...bitchy, but she meant it as a joke. Fran lost her shit, though. She took it so offensively, and I don’t understand why. We all grew up together. She knows that my family’s jokes are...not for the faint-hearted. So, then it was an argument about me taking my sister's side over hers, and I just snapped. I told her to stop being so anal about every goddamn thing. Could she just lighten the fuck up? Well...that was it for her. After months of arguing and fighting,thatwas the straw that broke the camel’s back. She didn’t speak to me for a few days, and then on the twenty-ninth...” I laugh because the whole thing is so ridiculous. “Shit, get this. On the twenty-ninth, I get served with divorce papers. I don’t know if she did those online forms or if she’d already started the process before Christmas, but I was shocked at how quickly she got it done. She wanted to make sure I got it on thetwenty-ninthbecause we got married on the twenty-ninth of April and she wanted the timing to be exact. She also wanted to go into the new yearsingle. Even our divorce had to be on a fucking schedule!”

“Did you protest?” Dr. Burkman asks. “Try one more time to make it work?”

I shake my head. “I signed it on the spot. And then...she started crying because...” I run my hands down my face, remembering the pain in her eyes that day. “She told me what hurt her the most was that I accepted it so easily. She wanted me to fight for her and our marriage and...I didn’t. I made vows to this woman, Doc, and when it came down to the wire, I didn’t even fight. I have to live with that guilt and shame forever.” I let out a deep breath, trying to let go of those feelings, but they’re embedded in me now. “I let her keep the house. I packed up my stuff the same day and moved in with Peter. Before I left, she told me...uh...she told me now she can find herself arealman because...because apparently not being able to have kids makes me less of a man.” I sigh heavily, rubbing my hand over my jaw. “Fran is not the type to say something like that. That came from a place of hurt...and I pushed her to that point. It just got so ugly. So, yeah...afterexactlytwo years and nine months of marriage, I’m now divorced, I have no house, no car, I’ve been arrested, I’m in anger management therapy, I can’t have kids, and I broke the hearts of the only two women I’ve ever loved. Doc, please explain to me how I managed to fuck up my life so badly in such a short space of time? I’m only turning twenty-six in August.”

“If there was a quarter-life crisis Olympics, you’d be a gold medalist,” Bella teases. “You stuck that landing and nailed it like a boss!”

I laugh at that. It seems like the tension has eased a tiny bit. Dr. Burkman uses the last few minutes of the session to give us activities for homework. She suggests that I analyze how I allow guilt to dictate my actions. She points out that I stayed in a marriage I didn’t want to be in because I felt too guilty to leave and I was afraid to hurt Francesca. I let Fran keep my house because I felt guilty for not trying harder. I let Bella vandalize my car because I felt guilty about leaving her at the hotel. In particular, she asks me to analyze my feelings of guilt regarding the incident with my sister because that is a key driver of many of my actions, especially when I get violent. My guilt also makes me overcompensate and overly accommodating of my sister’s needs. While she understands that Dana’s privacy is important, it is an undeniable fact that it’s the reason I kept secrets from Isabella, which inevitably led to us breaking up.

She tells me that my guilt either makes my reaction too passive or too aggressive and those reactions are exactly why I’m sitting in anger management therapy with no house, no car and I have two women who hate me for breaking their hearts. She’s right but I don’t even know where to start to correct that behavior. Her key takeaway message is that I need to start putting myself first. While I should consider other people’s feelings, I shouldn’t let that stop me from doing what I want and what I think is best forme.

I take that message with me as we walk out of her office. Bella is quiet as we step into the elevator. It’s less hostile but still awkward. I think she’s trying to reorganize her thoughts in her head. And so she should. I still can’t believe she would think that about me. It doesn’t matter, though because all her doubt is my fault. I don’t know how I’m going to navigate this, but I’m going to find a way to make it work between us.

“So, I was thinking,” I say as we step out of the elevator. “You’ve been rather abrasive since we started this because you thought I was still married...which I’m not. And now that our misunderstanding has been cleared up...can we have a serious conversation...about us?”

She stops on the sidewalk outside the building and crosses her arms. “There is no us, De Lorenzo.”

“There could be. So...” I take a nervous breath. “So, let’s start with the elephant in the room. Is it a deal-breaker for you that I can’t have kids?”

She thinks about it because the long-term implications of my question tell her where my head’s at. “No...If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Keith, it’s that it takes more than bloodlines and genetics to be a parent. A family is a family regardless ofhowthey become a family.”

“Okay...so if that doesn’t bother you, then...then why don’t we try again? I want to try again.”

“Dylan...” She sighs, shaking her head as if it’s not even a possibility she wants to consider. “We have such a painful, convoluted history. There’s too much hurt and lies and mistrust.”

“We can work on that.”

“You’re still really mad at me, too.”

“Yeah, I’m mad. I’m gonna be mad for a while. I’m mad because that lie took you out of my life. I’m mad because I lostyearswith you, Bella...and it hurt. It still does. Youhurtme so deep with that lie. For six years, I believed you slept with another guy. Pain and betrayal like that don’t just go away. I genuinelyhateyou for doing that to me...but I understand why you did it. And just because I hate you for one reason doesn’t mean I don’t love you for a million others. And just because I’m hurt and angry doesn’t mean I don’t want to work this out. I can be madandbe with you at the same time. I can do that very easily. That’s what being with you is like. You’re a frustrating woman.”

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