Page 77 of My Infatuation with Isabella

Tommy:Syd, you’re so quiet over there. What do you think?

Sydney:I’ve never been in a relationship long enough to test the limits of my jealousy, but from my limited experience, I know that men are lying cheaters. Dump his ass, Jessica. He’s probably still calling her and deleting it from his call log.

Tommy:(Sucks in a breath) Syd, babe, you’re gorgeous, but if you want to find a man, you’re gonna have to do some introspection and work on yourself. Cynicism and an obsessive love of food can’t be your only personality traits.

Sydney:(Giggles) I’ll work on it.

Tommy:Jess, before we let you go, do you have a request for Flashback Friday?

Jessica:Can you please playWannabeby the Spice Girls. I want to dedicate it to my best friend, Reba. We used to sing this song in my bedroom all the time when we were growing up. She was Sporty Spice, and I was Baby Spice.

Me:Great memory, Jess. We’re going to play that right after this commercial break.

Syd and I lip sync and dance in the studio while the song plays. It’s one of the best parts of this job. Fun is just effortlessly built into every day. I’m a little breathless when we sit down again and put on our headsets.

Sydney:Spice Girls? Man, did that put the spring back in my step. Why don’t they make music like that anymore? If the Spice Girls were around when I was growing up, I would’ve been Posh Spice.

Tommy:I don’t know. You seem more like Cynical Spice to me.

Me:(Laughs) Alright, let’s get back to the lines. Who do we have next?

Kylie:Hi, guys! It’s Kylie.

Tommy:Kylie, hun, how the hell are you? You haven’t called in, like...three weeks.

Kylie:I’m good. Just stuck in traffic. I’ve been sitting here for thirty minutes now.

Sydney:Well, that sucks.

Me:So, Kylie, as our most regular and opinionated caller, what do you think? Are you axing the ex?

Kylie:So, as you know, my ex-husband and I were together for fifteen years before we got divorced. I would never be able to delete the pictures of us together. Those are pictures of our first house together and our kids growing up. If I start dating again, the new man in my life has to understand that I can’t erase fifteen amazing years of my life. If he comes into the relationship knowing I’m a single mom, then he needs to understand the past that comes with that.

Tommy:Point heard, but where do you draw the line in a situation like that. In fifteen years, you collect a lot of stuff. Let’s say he buys you earrings for your tenth wedding anniversary. Would you still continue to wear them if you were in another relationship?

Kylie:Yes.

Tommy:See, I don’t agree with that. You cannot carry sentimental things from old relationships into new ones. You can’t have things like clothes or jewelry or...tattoos...

Me:(Rolls eyes).

Tommy:Or...mix tapes for those of you who were born in the eighties. You need to let go of those things if you got them from your ex. They shouldn’t be special to you anymore.

Me:I’m going to play devil’s advocate here. When you’re in a relationship, your partner knows what you like, so that’s what they’re gonna buy. Sometimes you make a comment in passing and you say: Oh, I saw the most beautiful pair of earrings at Tiffany’s, and he goes out and gets them for you.

Sydney:Girl, if he’s buying you things from Tiffany’s, he shouldn’t be your ex. You need to hold on to a man like that...even if he is a lying cheat.

Tommy:Can someone call a doctor? Syd’s been burned really bad.

Me:My point is that those could be your favorite pair of earrings and now you can’t wear them anymore because you got it from your ex. Doesn’t make sense.

Tommy:There’s too much emotional attachment. I don’t want to be nibbling on someone’s ear, then find out their earrings came from their ex. There is no faster way to send a dick to its death than the acknowledgement of an ex during an intimate moment. It shrivels...then it dies. Mehp...Mehp...

Me:What is that sound you’re making?

Tommy:That’s the sound a dick makes when it dehydrates...Mehp...It’s shriveling...Mehp...It’s pruning up.

Me:This imagery is going to haunt me for days.

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