Page 219 of The Parkers' Handsome Holiday
“She is happy to see me moving on,” I sipped on my drink. I hadn’t wanted to bring up Layla, but I couldn’t avoid it.
“I was a wreck after Layla died,” I told Tiffany. “My mom was the one who saved me. She picked up the pieces and started watching over Austin. There were days when I didn’t want to get out of bed. She let me sulk in quiet as she watched Austin. Finally, I came out of my emotional coma and was able to go back to work, but if it wasn’t for my mother and her support, I don’t know where Austin and I would be today.”
Everything that I was saying was true. If it weren’t for my mom, I don’t know that I could have pulled myself together to be the dad that I was for Austin. I was lucky to have such a tight family after Layla’s death.
“That’s awesome,” Tiffany said. “I’m glad that you were able to lean on your family after Layla’s death. Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” I said. “Ask anything.”
She took a sip of her wine before she spoke again.
“Is it weird talking about her?” she asked. “I mean, I don’t want you to feel like you have to talk about her if you’re uncomfortable with it.”
I was quiet for a minute, thinking of how to word my response.
“I’m not uncomfortable talking about it,” I finally said. “I actually want to talk about her, so you can understand my past, but I don’t want to talk about her so much that you’re worried that I’m still not over her. But on the other hand, I don’t know that I’ll ever be over her. I’m not sure that I am supposed to be over her.”
I felt a bit embarrassed, babbling like an idiot, so I quit talking about it.
“I get it,” she said. “I mean, not to compare the loss of your wife to the loss of my father, but I understand where you’re coming from. It’s not that you should ever forget them, but there comes a point in time where you need to let go. It is possible to feel both sadness and happiness about letting go?”
I smiled. She had understood where I was coming from. She realized that I would always love Layla, but also that there was room in my heart to love someone else, like her.
“Thank you,” I said. “I should have realized that with your father’s death, you would probably understand where I was coming from, at least with the loss part.”
She nodded.
“It’s all about being open with each other, right?” she questioned. I couldn’t help but notice as she said that, she failed to look me in my eyes, but I shook it off. I was just looking for reasons to be paranoid. I couldn’t let my wandering thoughts get me in trouble tonight. We were having such a perfect night. There was no reason to ruin it.
“Absolutely,” I said. I raised my glass to hers to cheer her words. She was right. If we wanted this relationship to work, we had to be honest with one another. I vowed to myself right then and there, that I would always be honest with Tiffany going forward. There was no need to lie or hide anything from her. We were both adults moving toward an adult relationship. Plus, there was a child involved. We didn’t need to play games when Austin was part of the equation.
Tiffany took another sip of her wine and smiled at me.
“Really,” she said, “Thank you for inviting me out tonight. It gave me a bit of Christmas cheer. It was nice to feel involved in something Christmas-like for one moment.”
“You’re more than welcome to come to our Christmas lunch tomorrow,” I told her. “My mom would probably have a fit if she knew you were home alone.”
Tiffany shook her head.
“It’s okay,” she said. “I’m actually quite okay with the idea. I’m looking forward to being alone. It may sound lonely to you, but to me, it’s a much better reality than last Christmas. Christmas has never been the same since my dad died. It will never be the same. I’ve finally accepted that. I’ve also accepted the fact that my mother is never going to change, either.”
I felt bad for her, but I knew that she was capable of making her own decisions. If she didn’t want to see her family for Christmas, that was her decision. I also didn’t want to guilt-trip her or force her into coming over for Christmas. She had done enough by coming out with us tonight for the tree lighting ceremony.
“So, what did you end up getting Austin?” she asked. I moved the dinosaur toward her. She probably had no clue what the hot toys were this holiday, but she was staring at one. I had worked my ass off in order to secure that damn dinosaur for Austin. It would be worth it seeing his reaction on Christmas morning, though.
“This is cute,” she said, spinning the dinosaur around.
“I scoured the internet for this,” I explained to her. “I paid about four times what it was worth, but I couldn’t find one. He has a buddy to match, but I couldn’t find those anywhere. That might have to be a birthday gift.”
“You’re a great father, Cayden,” Tiffany told me. “Most dads wouldn’t go through the trouble, especially single fathers. I know some that just throw gift cards at their kids. They never take the time to get to know them.”
“I’m just trying to do the best that I can,” I told her. It was the truth. I had to be an outstanding dad to make up for his mom. It was a constant fear of mine. I didn’t want Austin to grow up feeling less loved than he really was.
“You’re doing great,” Tiffany told me. I appreciated hearing that. I worked hard to provide for Austin. While I felt guilty for having my mother watch him when I was at work, I knew that it was the best for both him and me.
“Thanks,” I said. “I just can’t wait to see his reaction to this toy tomorrow morning. I’ll videotape it and send it to you.”
She smiled.
