Page 356 of The Parkers' Handsome Holiday
Now that it was clear that Bailey was going to be in my life, at least for the time being, if not long-term, I had to think about what I wanted to do about what I wanted to tell Ethan. It wasn’t something that I’d ever had to think about before. Beth and I had been married before Ethan was born, and I hadn’t dated anyone since I had lost her. I had never expected to date anyone again, even though Beth had told me before she died that she wanted me to be with someone who made me happy, someone that I could share the rest of my life with.
Instead, I had tried to close myself away and deny the fact that I needed anyone. And I supposed when it really came down to it, part of what I loved about Bailey was that I didn’t need her, and she didn’t need me. She was independent, and she let me do things my own way. But somehow, our lives just seemed to fit together as perfectly as our bodies did.
It was a strange and heady feeling, and I was powerless to stop it.
Something of that must have shown on my face when Dad asked about Bailey, because after dinner, while Ethan was getting his things ready for school and ski club the next day, Dad caught my arm. “You’re getting serious with her, aren’t you?” he asked in a low voice. But he didn’t seem worried about it, just curious.
I nodded slowly. “I really like her. Love her, actually,” I admitted, shrugging my shoulders. “I don’t know how to describe it. She’s definitely not Beth, but I guess I don’t need another Beth in my life now.” I paused, scuffing a foot on the floor. “This sounds really bad, but if I met Beth again now, I’m not even sure that we would be together. I’m just not the person that I was back then.”
“Death can change a person,” Dad said sagely, nodding at me. “I’m not the same person I was when I met your mother either, remember. And sometimes, I do wonder if it would be better if that’s who I was now. But at the same time, you can’t hang on to the past forever. Humans are born to change.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” I said, nodding. I wasn’t sure what else to say, though. Sometimes I forgot that Dad’s loss of my mother would have affected him in some of the same ways as my loss of Beth. Granted, he hadn’t had to watch his loving wife get sicker and sicker until the end came for her. But despite Dad’s gruff exterior, I knew that he wasn’t made of stone either. He had loved my mom once. He still did, I was pretty sure.
So if there was anyone who even kind of knew what I was going through, it was probably him.
“Is she coming back to Utah now?” Dad asked.
I sighed and shook my head. “I wish,” I said. “Apparently the board of directors at her family’s company wants her to stick around Vegas for a little while to keep her brother in check. They don’t like what Ian’s done with the company since his father’s death.” I made a face. “And you know Bailey, she just can’t tell them no. Especially not when it’s Ian’s job that’s on the line.”
Dad grimaced. “Have you talked to her about how difficult it is for you, not knowing when she’s coming back?”
I nodded. “Yeah, we’ve talked about it. And I do believe that she’s going to come back. I just wish it were sooner.” I paused. “And I’m still kind of worried that I’m going to go back to the mountain tomorrow and Kayla or someone is going to say something about her not coming back again and I’m just going to…lose it. Lose my faith in her return or something. I know that’s not fair.”
Dad shrugged. “It’s easier to believe that she’s not coming back,” he pointed out. “Harder for you to trust her. But you know that you have to trust her, if you want things to work between the two of you.”
“You’re right. And I know it. I know I can’t let anyone get in my head, but like you said, it’s just hard for me to trust her. Especially after everything with Beth.” I paused. “And that in itself isn’t fair. First of all, Bailey isn’t Beth. And second of all, it’s not like Beth ever lied to me or anything. I just feel like we promised one another forever and I didn’t get that.”
There was nothing that Beth had been able to do about it, of course. I knew that if she had had her way, she would have gotten better. She never would have gotten sick in the first place, even. But I couldn’t help feeling like towards the end, she had kind of given up. And I knew that she had been in a lot of pain. That the only reason she hadn’t wanted Ethan there in the hospital with her was because she didn’t want him to remember her like that. That she couldn’t handle our tears and so it was too hard to have us there with her.
But at the same time, it felt like that forever had been cut short. And what if that happened again, this time with Bailey? What if it didn’t matter what she wanted, if the company and the universe and whatever else conspired to keep her there in Vegas while Ethan and I stayed here in Park City?
I had told Bailey that we would figure out a way to work things out. That maybe I would move to Nevada just to be with her. But could I really do that, if it came down to it? It would mean pulling Ethan away from his school and his friends, from his favorite sport and his favorite season. I had a responsibility to the boy. Even more than the responsibility that I had to myself or to Bailey.
I just had to hope that Bailey would come back. That she would figure out things with the casino business. Ian had told me that he could tell that Bailey wasn’t happy there in Nevada. And she had reminded me that she had quit working for the casino business even before she had hatched the idea of moving to Utah and buying a ski resort. She didn’t want to be there.
But she wasn’t there now because she wanted to be there. She was there because she had responsibilities as well. And maybe our different responsibilities would keep us from putting together lives that could mesh with one another’s.
“My stuff’s all ready!” Ethan announced as he skidded into the kitchen in socked feet. He was already dressed in his pajamas and ready to go to bed.
Dad looked like he wanted to say something more on the Bailey subject, but I just gave him a small shrug. “Thanks again for looking after Ethan while I was gone,” I said. “I guess I should get his stuff double-checked and get him into bed.”
Dad nodded slowly. “Don’t worry about it,” he said. He knelt down in front of Ethan, giving him a little fist bump. “See you Tuesday,” he said.
“Uh huh!” Ethan chirped.
Dad let himself out while I led Ethan upstairs.
“Is Bailey back yet? Will she be at the mountain tomorrow?” Ethan asked as I checked through his ski gear.
I glanced over at him and sighed. “No, she’s not back just yet,” I told him.
Ethan frowned. “Doesn’t she want to come back?” he asked.
“Of course she does,” I said. I tried to think of some way to explain things to him. “Her brother still needs her help in Nevada. Because she’s so good with business.” That was sort of the truth, at least.
“I can’t wait until she comes back,” Ethan continued. “I want to go skiing with her!”
“I know you do, buddy,” I said. But it wasn’t like I could promise him that we would definitely get to ski with her this winter. What if Bailey didn’t make it back until the spring? The business would keep on running without her. As much as she seemed like she wanted to get back, there was no real pressing reason for her to need to come back as soon as possible. And maybe the longer she stayed in Nevada, the more she would realize that that really was where she belonged.
