Page 37 of The Parkers' Handsome Holiday
She’d paused, a blueberry pinched between her thumb and forefinger, about to be plucked from its branch, and she’d smiled. She let go of the berry and crouched down in front of me. Her cream-colored skirt was stained blue, as were her lips from sneaking in a berry every few minutes. She took my shoulders in her hands and rubbed them with her thumbs.
Then she had said the simplest thing to me. “I want you to be happy, baby girl. That’s all. Just happy.”
Now, as my mother stood before me free of blueberry stains, her words rang in my head. I nodded, and she let go of my face. “You said you wanted me to be happy.”
“And are you?”
My bottom lip trembled again. “No, Mom. I’m not. I’m so alone.”
She laughed. I looked up, confused. She was shaking her head at me so vigorously that her braid fell over her back. “Oh, sweetheart, you are so very far from being alone.”
“But I don’t have anyone. I go home to an empty apartment once every few weeks and think about you and Dad and everything I’ve lost.”
“You can choose to think about other things. Like Kelli. And Judy. They still need and love you very much.”
“Kelli,” I breathed. Her name stirred something inside me that felt wrong. Fearful. It felt like there was something I had forgotten.
My mother took my hand and rose slowly to her feet. “You still have a lot of trials to endure, baby girl. But you will never have to face them alone. Your father and I are always with you, no matter what. And with us in your heart, you can face anything. Right?”
“I don’t know.”
“Of course you do,” my mother said, her laughter floating around us in the breeze. “Come on! Let go, Lina. Let go!”
She let go of my hand and, with a bubbly giggle, lifted the skirt of her dress and started running barefoot through the grass.
I watched her go. Her braid flew behind her as she went, and her laughter fluttered back to me, filling my chest with lightness and hope and joy. Why couldn’t I have held on to this a little bit longer?
I ran after her.
She cried out with delight and threw her arms up to the cloudless sky as she twirled in dizzying circles. When I caught up with her, she took both my hands, and we both leaned back, spinning in wide circles, both of us laughing with our eyes closed.
The sun was radiant and warm on my face. It was bright behind my eyelids. I felt like the same little girl I used to be. Free. Wild. Full of life and spirit and not burdened by heartbreak or fear or loss.
Death.
Grief.
Guilt.
When we stopped spinning, we fell apart and collapsed on our backs on the grass. We stared up at the cloudless sky and caught our breath.
“Were you happy, Mom?”
My mother peered over at me through the tall blades of grass. “Yes, baby girl. I was happy. So was your father. Very happy. And we loved and still love you more than anything.”
“I love you guys too. And I miss you like crazy.”
My mother reached for me through the grass, and I took her hand. “It’s time you find someone else to love, baby girl. Someone who will make you laugh like your father did. Who will keep you safe. And love you. And cherish you. And who you can make a life with and create memories with of your own. It’s time to stop looking back.”
I swallowed. “But I don’t want to forget you.”
“You could never forget me, Lina. Even if you tried. Your father and I are part of you. But death is a part of all things. It does not mean new love and life can’t bloom again. It is like a flower. Destined to grow and die and be reborn over and over. But you must water your flower to keep it strong.”
I smiled.
My mother sat up, and I sat up with her. She gazed out across the open field and lifted her other hand, pointing out over the hills in the distance. “Do you see him, out there?”
I looked where she was pointing and squinted against the glare of sunlight. Then I saw him, a man walking away with his head down and his hands in his pockets. He was in shadow, even though there were no clouds above him.
