Page 90 of A Dirty Business
I grinned back before going into Bear’s office.
He stepped back and waited to shut his door.
I moved to the side. He had two windows with the curtains both drawn, a desk, a chair, and a love seat, which was pushed up against thewall. The love seat was covered with files and papers, and Bear didn’t sit, so that told me this was going to be fast or uncomfortable.
Either way, I tightened up my resolve and waited, getting prepared for whatever he was going to send my way.
“This about my mom?”
He shook his head, a sad look flashing for a moment. Disappointment was next, and that was a gut punch. Bear nodded and then shook his head. “Yes and no. She was a mess when I went over there.”
I shifted back on my feet. “What kind of a mess?”
“She was passed out when I got in, but she woke when I was leaving. She started in, swearing at you, swearing at me until she realized who I was. She stopped with me, but not you. The things she said, they alarmed me, Jessie.”
I lined my insides with steel, not letting anything in.
He said, shaking his head, “It’s not right, Jess. Not what she said, not what I just saw you do. You walled yourself off, and I’m getting that it’s a coping mechanism. I know enough psych to know the reason for that, but it ain’t right.”
“I don’t know what you expect me to do about it? You’ve been around enough. You know how she feels about me. I check on her, but I try and stay away as much as I can. She’s a drunk. Sometimes she’s worse than other times.”
“I’m not saying you should do more.”
He was talking gentle with me. I could feel his pity, and I hated that.
He added, a gruff drop in his voice, “I’m saying maybe you should step back completely. Your mama, things in the past shaped how she is today. It ain’t your fault. No one thinks that, even her, but she’s angry. It’s turning her bitter and hard. She’ll get worse.” He looked away, and it was then I clued in that he was nervous for this talk. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down once before he looked back to me. “I hada talk with Leo one night. He said he’s worried about you. Can feel something’s going on.”
I gritted my teeth. “He say my work performance is slipping?”
“No. Your work is up to usual standards, which is high. You’ve always been a good worker. That ain’t the issue, but we get feelings in this business. You know it. I got ’em when I was overseas, but so does Leo. Something’s off with you. We think it’s time you step back from checking in on your ma. Totally back off. Let us step in. We’ll take over.”
They thought it was my mom bothering me.
A wave of relief and guilt hit me all at the same time.
“What are you proposing?” My voice cracked.
“Stop worrying about her. Leo and me, we’ll check in on her every day. I ain’t married, and neither is he. We’re old bachelors, know this is how it’ll be for us for the rest of our life. We got some extra time carved in our daily. He and I both care about her. I been taking care of your mama since we were in sixth grade. This ain’t no different, but you’ll just know I’m watching over her. You step back. Stop worrying about her, and do your thing. We got her. We’ll have your back on this.”
The thought of not worrying about her? Because she weighed on me. Every day. I gave up a long time ago trying to get her to stay sober, but I got her to stop going out. She drank at home. She was a dangeronlyto herself that way, but even in that way, there was only so much I could do.
She hated me, blamed me for everything wrong in her life.
Maybe it was for the best.
I jerked my head in a stiff nod. “Fine.”
His eyes closed, and his shoulders slumped down. “We’ll let you know when we need you with her, but it’ll be a while. We’re going to try and work on her, get her into a sober house or something. We’re not just going to check on her—we’re going to try and help her.”
Right. Because that’s not what I’d been doing. They’d do better.
That burned. But, fuck.
I was blinking back stupid annoying tears, and my throat was rubbing up against a knife in there, but it was what it was.
They’d help her. They’d do what I never could.
My voice was rough when I grated out, “Thank you, Bear. I appreciate it.”
