Page 58 of One Night Rancher

“She was the brightest, prettiest, most... She was just so fun. And being sick made it so she couldn’t be fun. So she couldn’t have fun. It wasn’t fair. It’s not fair. She was just a little girl that loved butterflies. How the hell is it right that she’s gone?”

“It isn’t. It’s one of those big unfair things in the world.”

“But how do you believe in miracles, in mysteries? How do you dream and hope and all that shit that you do? How do you do it, Cara? Because I don’t get it.”

“Because I’ve accepted that there are things that I’ll never know or understand. But I also don’t believe that what happens to us here is the end. And so it’s a deep tragedy within our understanding, but I just don’t think that’s where it stops. I can’t believe that. Because I look around this world and I see miracles. I see miracles and shafts of sunlight and butterflies. There are always so many butterflies. Around you. Around me. I think she might be with you.”

“No. I just... I can’t...”

“I get it. It hurts to hope.”

“Don’t say that. Like you’re patronizing me. Like I’m the one who’s ridiculous. When you... You’re the one that believes in all these things that you can’t see.”

“But there are so many things that we can’t see, Jace. So many things. This, this between us. Don’t you see the miracle in that? That you found me? But you found the girl with the pink butterfly Trapper Keeper. That you were there for me, like you were compelled to be. Don’t you think there’s something magic in that. And here we are, and we were each other’s best friends all this time, all this time. And we can be more too. And isn’t that a miracle. That not only are you my favorite person to talk to, but when we are together like this... It’s so bright and hot and wonderful. What isn’t miraculous about that?”

“And why couldn’t I have the miracle that I wanted,” he said, his words coming out hard. And he could see a brief flash of hurt in her eyes before she dismissed it.

“You know I didn’t mean that,” he said. “You know I didn’t mean I didn’t want you.”

“I do,” she said. “Because I know you. I know you don’t want to hurt me. But I think I kind of get that you don’t want to love me either.”

Her words hit him in the center of his chest. They were quiet. And they weren’t angry. They weren’t accusing him of anything.

But they cut deep.

And they were true.

“What does that even mean? Between the two of us. What difference would it even make?”

She looked up at him, her eyes sad. “I don’t know.”

“Well until you know, what’s the point of making it an issue?”

“That’s fair. Let’s go to bed.”

“You still want to stay the night?”

“I still want to marry you.”

And he would take that. Because he wanted to take care of her. He wanted to be with her. Like they had always been, and like this too. So even though he knew he messed up, he was going to go ahead and accept that.

“All right then. Let’s go to bed.”

“I just wanted to say... Or I need to make it clear.” She said nothing for a moment, and then she looked up at him, her green eyes firm and steely. “I don’t need you.”

She might as well have shot him directly in the chest. “What?”

“I don’t need you. Even when I was a sad, flat-chested middle school girl, I didn’t need you. I had been kicking along in my life just fine without you. You were great. You are great. But I would have survived if you weren’t in my life.”

She stood up then, naked and resolved, and he almost felt like he didn’t have the right to look directly at her. “I’m tough. My mom is a drug addict who doesn’t want me. Thankfully I don’t remember very much from that time of my life. Very, very thankfully. Thankfully, mostly what I remember is my grandfather taking good care of me. I remember you being a good friend. And those things... They matter. But I don’t need you. I didn’t even need you for the hotel. I had it all worked out by myself, and I could’ve waited. I could’ve waited to remodel things and patch the raccoon hole. I could have.”

“What exactly is your point?” he asked.

“My point is that I don’t need you, Jace Carson. I just want you. So all of these things that you’re doing, all of this stuff that you think makes you indispensable, that’s not what it is. It’s watching stupid movies with you. And it’s spending the night in a hotel and fighting about ghosts. And about whether or not raccoons are cute or vicious. It’s those little things that feel like the biggest things. The way that we talk about everything and talk about nothing. The fact that I did tell you that I hadn’t been with anybody, even though I was drunk. And a little bit hitting on you. But no matter how that had worked out, I knew that I could trust you with that information. Because I’ve always known that. And that isn’t about needing you, in the sense that I’m dependent on you. That is about wanting you around because you are the most trustworthy, wonderful, caring friend that anyone could’ve ever asked for. And that’s not... It’s not you needing to be my protector or my caregiver. That’s you being you.”

And he realized something, as those words came out of her mouth. She was right. She didn’t need him. She was hands down the strongest, most incredible woman—person—that he knew. She had been through a lot, and she had a sense of humor and a firebrand personality. She was confident and capable. She had planned all her finances out in order to get the loan for the hotel in the first place, had even taken care of arranging all the logistics for the ghost sleepover.

She didn’t need him.

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